Feel guilty posting as I haven't logged on for such a long time now. I think I like to feel that I wasn't attacked by cancer and sometimes only sometimes I don't think about it on waking each morning.

I have just got my 2 year all clear end of June, a lovely big milestone to complete. I do so hope everyone else is well or getting well as I am.

Seriously considering the Walk in October as I live near to London so there is no excus. I have been touched by so many that have been struck down with this disease so very recently.

I have had a busy year, reached my 40th birthday with a celebration trip to Las Vegas & a horse ranch (only had my aching bum to think of there!). Most amusing watching my husband trying to ride and be brave on the big big horsey!!! On my return (literally stepped off the plane) we picked up my Birthday Boxer puppy (named Loopy!!) who controls my life so much at the moment, I've never been so busy, knackered! and happy.

Anyway I will sign of now but I am hoping all is OK with you all.

Best & the kindest wishes to all
Yvonne aka Smiler
x

Hi Yvonne,I'm on ten years and I hardly ever think about it unless something triggers it. Every year that goes by gets sweeter. All the best. Hagg.

Yvonne

Sounds good, I reach my 1 year anniversary soon and will soon get to post the first year of my survivor story.

To Smiler

Great news well done

200mins

milestone coming up
congrats

Regards
Dave and Sue

Such a wonderful feeling to pass this milestone. Congratulations.

Yvonne

Last time I saw my consultant he told me that the greatest risk of cancer coming back was within the first 2 years, so that was a great milestone to reach!

Anyone know any general stats on the 2 year thing? The general 50% for 5 years is quite often mentioned, but I never hear anything for other time frames.

Hi, when I was in hospital, I was the only first timer the others were all repeats just after 3 years.
So thats what Im aiming for

Anne

Congratulations Yvonne... I know exactly how you're feeling as my 2 year all clear for cancer of the larynx was on 30th May this year. Congrats also on reaching another milestone the BIG 40
Linda AKA uksweetheart

Its seven years since I was diagnosed with the cancer and its been over five since I was declared cancer free. The cancer however did not really leave me in peace and took away my ability to eat any solids or drink any liquids. I have not had a sip of water in seven years.
Everyone here has been very inspiring and I am really grateful to each one of them but I feel its high time I got this done and over with. I hate my life with such hatred that I cannot believe there is so much hatred in me. Its is not wallowing in self sympathy - I am not that kind of a person but one who calls a spade a spade. I do not want to lead an imperfect life which I am. The arguement could be that nooone is perfect - that, however, is a personal opinion.
There is a huge Budhist cult here and who keep praying for people and they are praying at this very moment that I pass away peacefully and thats what I want. As everyone, I too shall be missed for some time but then things will settled down to being normal again and life will carry on but to carry on living like this I will become a burden on my sons, my wife and many others which is not exactly of how I think and look at life.
So my dear friends, I will carry on posting messages that may be helpful to any of youll and I will share all your happiness and will cry with you till such time I can - that is a promise.
love to all,
Ananth

Ananth,
I'm sad to see you're stil feeling so low.
It is a fact that no one has a perfect life - but then people like you are dealt a far harder card than others.
I'm still hoping your current frame of mind will pass and you'll revert back to your chearful cheely self. & in the mean time, we're here for you to let it out.
*big hugs*
Michelle

Uksweetheart,
congrats on your 2 years out!

Michelle

Ananth,
I hope your dark times pass soon. I can only guess how hard it is not being able to eat or drink and it is bound to get you down. Hang in there though, I have read so many wise words from you on this site,we are all here for you.

Dear Michelle and Hagg,
Thanks a ton for lending me your shoulders and trust me it makes a world of difference. The point still remains is that I cannot eat or drink orally and will never be able to do for the rest of my life.Initially, I thought cancer had made a better person out of me but with time I realised that it was nothing of that kind. I really do feel for everyone who has gone through this ordeal as I can feel their pain, having been through it myself.
Day in and day out all I get to "eat" are milkshakes mixed with a lot of vitamins, soups or vaious kinds and a lot of energy drinks. They have kept me going and will carry on - but to think of this for the future is sickening.
The way I look at it, that it makes both my sons really miserable to see me this way, my wife - a pillar of strength cannot bear to see the stoma and the only person who has been by my side throughout is my mum. She even to date spends a lot of time with me, where we discuss anything and everything under the sun. I can see the pain in all their eyes but they all try to hide it just the way I do when I face the world. I really feel that it will be a relief if I do go away as noone will have to live with pain and most of all - I.
I have really led a fantastic full life and there is nothing left that I wanted to do and have not done it. Everyone gets amazed at the fact that anyone could have lived this much and the cancer survival is a cherry on the top.They feel I am talking through my hat ( never wear one!) and its only when they see my snaps, my certificates and my knowledge of so many places, does it convince them. This is the part I miss so much - I miss my travelling, I miss my houses, I miss my friends. The world was a very small place seven years ago and today thinking of even taking a flight to the UK is a bad idea. My outings are very limited as you all know, we Indians are not really known for partying or having fun. I cannot go to the movies as its terrible as far as the noise is concerned and then sitting through the same and moving in and out of the place as my sailva gathers and I got to spit it out.
Anyway, I think I will be okay after a few days and once that feeling comes around shall I start making my plans for the future of my sons and family. I , with their consent, have decided they accept Spanish Citizenship or British ( I hold a Spanish and my wife British as her mother is British ). I remained back in India as when my father passed away, caring for all the elders in the family became my responsibility and noone wanted to come and settle down in Spain. England was out of the question. It was heart wrenching when I had to sell off all my properties in London and Barcelona including my office ( set up for my wife) in Mexico city. Everytime I think about that day when I decided to go to the doctor for a checkup. I get really angry for having taken that checkup. At least, I would not have to survive like this.
I am sorry that I am babbling away - but at the age of 42 - to loose everything I earned with my hands and brain - is killing. As I keep telling everyone - I cannotturn the clock back and its time that I started believing it myself and get out of this stupid mood which I will and that will be thanks to all you wonderful people.
Love you all,
Ananth

Dear Ananth
I have been thinking of you such a lot since I read your posting last week (I think ~ time flies, can't really remember) when you said how your sons no longer want to spend time with you (because of your situation). I'm not sure how old your boys are, Ananth but I do know that young men can be heartbreaking. Our youngest boys are 21 and 23 and the youngest one particularly has hurt me so many times just by seeming to not want to share his life with me/us. I really think it is a generational thing. Since your boys were young when your ordeal began, you can't know that their manner now is any different to how it would have been had you continued on your healthy way. I think we just have to accept that our children can have a very strong focus on 'me' without realising how important it is for those of us who love them, to feel wanted and to be included in their lives. They really have no idea how deeply it hurts.
You are wise enough to know this heavy mood will pass so try to ride it through without being swamped by it. As Hagg said, you have so many wise words for anyone and everyone else on the site and we all feel for you.
Actually just today when Trevor and I were going from the r/t dept back up to the day centre (which I must tell you is named in honour of Sir Donald Bradmans wife, Jessie who was a patient and supporter of the cancer centre)for his chemo and he was looking and feeling miserable I thought to myself "Why did I have to notice that bloody lump?". We (you and I)both know that if we hadn't found it when we did, things would still have been horrid for everyone and your sons were only little boys then, so what would life have been like for them without you?
As a mother who has watched her son suffer through cancer, believe me I know the joy that your Mum must have every day that she is able to live, laugh and cry with you.
Hang in there Ananth. The sun will shine on another day for you and you know that we are all in the stands cheering you on.
Love
Deborah

Hi Ananth,
Every one looks upon you as a major person someone that we can look upon with admiration. I read your postings and even with what i am going through think how great you are, you find words and thoughts that give people joy and give us the inspiration to continue unabated. I have just started on my full PEG feeding and the idea of it was horrifying but then I Thought "Ananth has been doing this for 7 years and he is still hanging in there and laughing about it". There are others here in Australia that I have met that are going through the same process as I am and I talk to them about the MCF and how it is such a good site to visit for Clarity and Inpiration so think off me as one of your good friends and keep the fun rolling(I will try and learn abit about Cricket to keep the teams running)Stay Strong
TREV

Ananth, As everyone on this site knows, the mind can be your worst enemy but you will come through the other side. Kick its ass.