I suppose Belle has givin you all the lowdown on my condition. I thought I would give this a go...I am currenty going through this very weird hoorific phase of depression/andxiety, and opiate withdrawl. Once in a while I have a day where I feel normal, myself. But the rest of the time I am low in energy, depressed and terrified to leave the house. I guess this is part of the process, at least that's what my psychotherapist has lead me to believe. I'll be so glad when the bulk of this nightmare is over and I can move on. I have gigs to play and a son to raise and so much more to do. Is anyone else going through this horrific phase? let me know!!! Also if you are still undergoing treatment maybe I can help. I have been through the gammet and survived.

Doug! Great to see you come on the site. Belle has spoken a lot about what youv'e been through and I can honestly say I know exactly what youv'e been through. Like yourself, the diagnosis of Cancer and the following treatment almost crucified me. As if Radiotherapy followed by feeding through a tube and enormous pain & Discomfort wasn't bad enough, the depression that also followed was mind numbing. It took some eighteen months for me to start to feel like taking on life again and almost three years to completely come to terms with what I had been through. The side effects of treatment are the downside to the whole scenario of treating mouth/oral cancers because of the damage it causes and the way it leaves you feeling. Having said that....in time the emotional wounds and the battlescars start to heal. Obviously we will always have problems like dry mouth in varying degrees for all of us, and like myself....you may have to sacrifice a few teeth from Rad effects but generally i'm going from strength to strength. I don't think i'll ever feel as confident or as happy go lucky as I once was but then again i'm 47 now anyway so i'm mellowing somewhat anyway.
The point really Doug is that two years ago I still couldn't care less wether I woke up or not in the mornings and sometimes wouldn't get up at all. I even spent two months in a Mental Health Unit being weened off of Morphine.(I was diagnosed and treated for my Cancer March thru May 2003.) It's all so very different now and I took on a great job that I really enjoy at the start of the year. This really helped to take my mind of things and rebuilt my self- esteem. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a little weaker than it once was, but it's definately there.
Take your time with your recovery Doug and just don't expect too much too soon. You are still shattered from your experience. You have been through more than most people will ever be able to contemplate going through and to claw your way back to some kind of normality takes a lot of inner strength, patience, and the support of your loved ones to carry you forward.
I noted you said you had "Gigs to play".
I'm a musican myself Doug. Perhaps we can swap a few tracks online if you have any recording work on your PC.
If you didn't live so far away I'd come round and drag you out for a beer!
Keep up the good work.
Steve.

Hello Gentlemen ...My name is Rachel...and i so admire your strength and you williness to proceed on ...Only a person that actually has to go through this would know the hardship it brings along with it - so i will not try to pretend that i know what u guys have gone through - I do know that my husband Steven has gone through much of the same since he was diagnosed with 4th stage tongue cancer a year ago to date - He is still on a feeding tube and has many days when he is depressed and doesn't even wanna deal ! I try to stay strong for the both of us but sometimes that just isn't enough ! He is always tired but makes an effort to get up even for a few hours a day to get out in the world and be productive...it saddens me so to have to watch him attemp even the littleist task when he was such a Strong indiviual before all of this ... Next Tues he is going into the Hospital to have his ephogus stretch to the point we hopin that he may b able to eat again - he is not able to swallow anything due to radiation scar tissue blockin his upper ephogus area - He just wants to be able to eat like a normal person would -Anyway -Im blabblin on i guess - I just wanted to tell Doug - Hang in there hopefully things will get better and to Steve - Thanks for the words of encouragment !!!

Rachel ....

Rachel.
Please give your husband Steve my very best wishes and please encourage him in every way possible to keep positive and keep hold of faith for the future.

This is a poem I wrote in December 2003...one night when I lay awake in a terrible state of depression. It's called "The way it is". Now I like to think of it as The way it was.

As the day unfolds and darkness falls
I look upon my time
In a world immersed in sadness
Of famine, war, and crime
The love I’ve lost and brushed aside
The fears I’ve overcome
The turbulence I’ve lived through
And the things I haven’t done
I often think of times gone by
And how it could have been
But I can’t move on with memories
And the future can’t be seen
I held a light that burned so bright
And stumbled on the way
Now the flame is just a flicker
As it lights another day
I’ve lived the way I’m destined
There is no turning back
And the wall that seemed so solid
Has now appeared to crack
Fragile is the life we live
And the things we have to face
The balance of our nature
That makes the human race
My thoughts unfold inside me
As I lay awake in bed
Not knowing what tomorrow brings
Is what I’ve come to dread.


STEPHEN LEE OSTROWSKI DECEMBER 2003

(THE WAY IT IS)

Hey Steve, Rachel
Sorry it has taken me a while to respond. This post was originally in the general chat section, hmmmmm, I wonder what happened.
Yes, I know a thing or two about the depression that follows treatment. The narcotic withdrawl, and the general continuing nightmare. Sometimes I stand outside myself and ask; Am I really going through this? Steve I have some recorded work ...I'll send you some tracks soon. Rachel I have had my throat area stretched a number of times...eventually it works and he'll be able to eat again. Though you have build up to it. Anyway it's good to meet you folks, hello form Seattle!

OK Doug. Get in touch when you are ready.
Stevieo1958@aol.com