Hi,

I'm Diane i am 43 and divorced and have 2 dependant children aged 9 & 11. My father is an alcoholic and still lives with my lovely Mum who has grafted all her life and is still in full time employment at the age of just turned 65. She loves her job as a cook for an autistic childrens home and often comes home to my Dad in bed drunk or the battles of everyday alcoholism. I have had coiunselling for post natal in the past and have heard about co dependants and my Mum has got into the habit of drinking with him for probably the last 25 years, coupled with them both smoking I got the news last night ( approx 22 hiues ago) that she had been diagnosed with mouth cancer and a lump below her tongue has been removed but she thinks she may have another one on the other side emerging. I have cried on and off continuously and came across you guys -i am in shock , i don't know where to turn they are two children really , I have to work full time and still look after my two kids, I am so worried I won't be able to hold it together and have read lots of awful stories about what really happens, she is due to go into hospital and have an op then RT after, I have already made an apt at the CAB ( my dad thought my mum could pop in on the way to the hospital!!!) this is what i am dealing with! this is one of the worse days of my life.

Hello Diane
You poor, poor thing. How well I remember the shock and emptiness and uselessness and sorrow and anger and, and and .............
All those horrid feelings that come with the news of a cancer diagnosis. It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate already and that you have long standing issues with your Mum and Dad. To cope with the day to day issues you must face as a single mother, you have a strength of character that perhaps you aren't aware of (too busy getting on with life). This will help you through some tough times ahead. Do you have other family to share the load with?
I really don't have any great words of wisdom to offer you, Diane. You will get more support than you can imagine from the lovely people on this forum and although at this point it may seem that you (and your parents) won't be able to cope with what lies ahead ~ you will be able to. That much I know is true.
It won't be long before you get some responses from others in your own neck of the woods but in the meantime I hope you can take some warmth from the fact that someone way down at the bottom of the world is feeling for you and sending every positive vibe possible.
Hang in there and be sure to use the forum to seek answers or to summon support. Whatever, we're all here for you.
Love from Down Under
Deborah

Hi Diane

i am so sorry to read about your terrible news.On a practical note,cancerbackup uk and macmillan cancer support should be able to help you with pratical matters like financial help,help with transport to hospital,prescription charges and social backup for your family.You should be able to find web sites on google or phone numbers in your local directory.Also ask to see the hospital social worker.

regards liz

Hi Diane, So sorry to read your story. Is your mum going to Leighton, which consultant is she under? My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago and is now cancer free so there is some light at the end of the tunnel even though its a bumpy ride, you will always have somewhere here where you can scream, cry, lots of us here wearing the tee shirt. Let us know how you get on

Thank you so much for your support, I feel a little better today , went to the doctor for a chat after the post and I'm having an MOT t make sure i am strong enough for both of my parents aand my kids etc, I have also had a chat with work wo are being great. Today is another day , i feel much more positive , still tearful and very frightened about what could lie ahead , but just knowing there are guys like you out there.... i can't tell you how much this has meant to me. Told my kids ast night and my lovely partner of only 7 months ( which will be a tough test for us both) Funny what the kids come out with and how they pick you up. In answer to your question Angie she is initially going for tratment at Fazakerley then i think Leighton under consultant Vaughn my Dad seems to recall. Cookey i will get in touch with cancer Support they will need all the financial help they can get.Deborah, the power of the internet - I was in such a daze yesterday i thought this website was British! What a surprise to hear from 'down under' thank you everyone , your replies have helped me me enormously xx

Dear Diane,
What a shock for you, we are in the same situation, my mum recently diagnosed with mouth cancer of tongue on 13th May, 09.

We have and still are experiencing loads of different emotions and fear of the unknown. My mum is going into hospital this coming Sunday for her operation on Monday for removal of most of her tongue (frightening thought) and lymph nodes in both sides of her neck.

I am spending every possible moment with her this week that I can taken week off work, loads to do and obviously to talk things through with her, as she wont be able to speak for a while. I think that will be the worst thing for her at the moment. My dad also is ill, he suffers with alzheimers disease, so as you can imagine this is devasting for him, as he relys on her so much for his general care.

I feel so sorry for you having to cope with this alone, as your father will probably not understand either. Do you know what operation your mum is going to have? My mum will probably need radiotherapy if she is strong enough for it.

Take one day at a time, I used to find this hard as I am the type of person who likes to plan ahead, but unfortunately, with this illness you cant. My mum is up and down, the pain she is in is tremendous, so she has good and bad days.

I hope you are coping ok, I have good and bad days, today not to bad cause mum and dad were in good spirits, one day this week was awful as dad started wandering, never did it before, cause he is so worried about mum and cant bear to see her in pain, we didnt know where he was, such a panic.

Keep your spirits up, its a terrible time, and loads more to face yet, but got to get mum better.

Take care
Shirley

Hi Shirley ,

So sorry to hear about your Mum. I actually read some of your posts before you replied to me so knew a little bit re your situation.

My Mum has been told at this stage by her consultant ( she saw a locum before)that it seems the cancer is in its initial stages and that she may not even need to have a scan! i was worried by this ( not having a scan that it) and my parents seem to think the consultants word is gods and she felt afraid to insist on a scan. Lots of family stuff going on to be honest, and resulted in my mother telling me to 'back off' ( she is a very aggressive person by nature) I think she is in next Friday then next Monday Tuesday for an op, at this stage no one know whats really going to happen in hospital , but fingers crossed she may have caught it early. Wow life has its ups and downs! but I am a firm beleiver that we all have our own set of problems and it is how you dela with whatever comes through the door! I am lucky as I have a few reall good close friends who have been there for me an awful lot. As they say life is sent to try us a times , but also tomorrow is another day if its been a bad un. nce gain thank you so much for your support. I will keep all posted.

So sorry to hear of your news Diane. It's a very frightening time - my mum too was diagnosed 2 yrs ago and yes she is still here, aged 79.

A piece of practical advice Shirley. Make sure your mum has paper and pen. My mum went through loads. I would also advise having cards or bits of paper with set phrases already written, like "I need the toilet" "can you wipe my face" etc. Sometimes I looked at mum's writing pad and it had the same things written about 20 times !!

Other than that, all I can really offer is "hang in" there. It does pass and everyone in the hospital was absolutely lovely.

Hi everybody

Diane, do you have any siblings who can help you with your parents? My mom was my main caregiver, but my sister came to stay with us for a while after my surgery, and my dad and brother looked after mom.

You are so right, Winnie. I was given a gift of a dozen legal pads while I was inpatient by an incredibly thoughtful coworker. I wrote rather a lot of notes, considering that my right forearm had a large, fresh wound on it (I'm right handed, but no one bothered to tell my otherwise fantabulous surgeon). My handwriting leaves a lot to be desired under normal circumstances, so it was even more of a challenge for my family to read my lefthanded scrawl. Noisemakers are also helpful, Shirley, especially if you're out of eye range and your mom isn't talking. I was given a very shrill bicycle horn--mom ended up hating the -ing thing, but it worked.

I hope everything goes well for your moms.

Julia

hi Diane,

Have'nt heard form you for a while, just wondered how your mum is doing. Did she have any treatment or operation.

My mum had her operation and is doing really well, she is talking and has just moved to our local hospital for convalescence. Its only 2 weeks since her operation, and the consultant said it would be a minimum of 4 weeks stay in hospital. She is hoping to be going home in 2 weeks.

Hope your mum is ok
Shirley

Hi Shirley,

I hopr your Mum is getting better and good to hear she is now in a hospital near to you and fingers crossed she will be home very soon.

Well its been a bit of a mad and crazy few weeks. Mum went into hospital a couple of weeks ago and they took away the lump on under her tongue - they were also dur to tke away the lymph nodes on her right side . To our amazment when i went to see her they decided not take the lyph nodes away and she was sat up i bed still witht he pencil marks on her neck!. After a 5 day stay in hospital she came home. Lots of family anguish as my Dad didn't cope too well while ahe was in hospital and we had all the problems with him and his alcoholism . Anyway she heard only last Thursday that the pathologuy report was clear and no radiotherapy was needed . For now she is ok and has to go back for a monthly check up witht the consultant for the next year.
This weeken we have just been down to London for my brothers wedding - it was amazing both her and my Dad were there! So good news she caught it early and hopefully fingers crossed no more treatment in the foreseable future. In essence it has been a hugely stressful time for me and my family , but along the way i have learned so much, it is so unbeeivable to know people like all of you guys on here are out there and I have gotten great comfort from that , plus we met some really lovely people in hospital who we are still in touch with and have not been as lucky as my Mum. Mum is thinking of finally giving up work and being with my Dad ( who needs her!) and enjoying life - this has been a massive wake up call for her and to thse around her.

Thank you for your kind wishes and again I wish your Mum all the best for the future.

Diane x

Wow! Simply wonderful news, Diane.
Love and best wishes to you and your parents, especially your Mum.
I knew you could do it!
Cheers
Deborah

Dear Diane,

So good to hear from you, and that your mum is doing so well, thank god they caught it early for her, and she doesn't need any further treatment.

My mum is still doing ok, still in hospital, can't eat anything, but having no speech therapy so dont know if she will eat again. She is swallowing her saliva, but needs to pass a swallow test to make sure it doesn't go into her lungs, dont know when that will be.

She is very bored in hospital, sitting down all day, not moving around attached to feeding machine which she hates. She is scared of reality when she comes home and doesn't feel ready yet, especially as my dad cant help much because of his illness.

I worry about how she will cope at home, but obviously she needs to get home into some sort of normality. We dont know what the next step is yet, whether she needs radiotherapy or not.

Thanks for listening
Shirley