Thanks Ananth. My manager has already replied, and is putting my request into the system. It will be a few weeks before the admin work is done and the personnel dept get in touch with me. Hopefully I will be stronger and more able by then.

On the voice sounding younger. It is not at all pleasant, it sounds a bit disturbing.

Martyn

Hi Martyn
Its really great to hear you sounding so much more confident. Just a few weeks ago you could not even have contemplated going back to work and here you are thinking about it now.

The people at work will be curious but in the most part people are kind and will want to help you settle back in. Your looks are not the person you are and unlike those at work you are special because you are a survivor.

Keep posting - we all want to hear you.

Patricia

On going back to work. I am very apprehensive about the return process - it will take at least a couple of months to get started.

I am still terrified of the cancer returning, and feel superstitious; returning to work is going to provoke the cancer to come back? But just laying on my prolonged sickbed is hardly doing anything for my well-being. I need to escape the fear and do something that is positive.

I think that I am still in shock from the diagnosis and subsequent treatment. I have taken refuge in my convalescent status and do not want to tempt fate by trying to find a way back to the normal world.

Not much of a choice really, I need to return to earning a wage - sick pay entitlement will soon be used up, and the state sick pay is not enough.

Best wishes to all

Martyn

Dear Martyn,

I apologise if this hurts anyones sensibilities as this post is something that I have decided upon and has no bearing on others and neither am I preaching. I have been living with cancer for over eight years now and for a fact, I can say - I have never ever been scared of it. I ws not scared when it came on and neither am I scared today. As per the doctors, the cancer seems to have returned and on hearing that I stopped all visits to the doctor or to the hospital. I explained to the doctor why I had taken this step and he understood me very clearly that I was not keen to spend even one day looking at the walls of a drab hospital room with all the moaning and groaning. I prefered to live my life the way I always have - to its fullest and i still carry on doing what ever makes me happy and never bother about if there will a tomorrow or not.

I have covered myself for all eventualities and when the time comes around - well it time to go. Nothing more, nothing less. Its not in my hands to change the course of things and what is meant to be will be. If that is so - then why worry about it and just live each day full and with all richness that one would have pre cancer. If something has not happened today - why worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes - so live for today - one day at a time and make every minute count.

As I said this is my way of looking at life and it has nothing to do in whichever manner anyone else may want to look at things. Each one should do what they are comfortable with and thats life!

Lots of love,
Ananth

Ananth

Just clarifying from your post: You are saying that the cancer has returned and that you are not having any medical treatment or contact?

Martyn

Dear Martyn,
I had mentioned it earlier when the doctors determined it was back. This was towards the end of last year but they would not give me a time frame and after hearing that I decided to put all my things in order and live normally as I have always done. Though the stupid thing is not into the pain stage as yet - I can feel my strength decreasing and am not able to work out or run(my pet hobbies) very much any more. However, I still do go out, meet up with friends, go shopping to the mall etc. My elder son Varun has taken over my blue beauty(my super bike - the Hayabusa) and I dont drive anymore as I have a lady chauffer in my wife - so my outings too are limited but not stopped.

As I said what has to happen - will. I cannot stop it and see no reason to go to a hospital and get hit hard with mdeication when you already know the result. This was a promise I had made to myself and also made my mother, wife and boys - that they will never ever take me to the hospital against my wishes. I had a torrid time right from 2000 to 2004 and my body really took a massive battering and the after effects have not been too nice either- the tracheostomy (where I managed to create a device to talk) and the peg tube, inserted in 2000 making it eight years on liquid feed.

Thats what I guess life is all about. We will worry about tomorrow when it comes - why fret and worry about something that has not yet happened but you imagine it will happen. Again as I say this is my way of looking at things as each one have their own independent views on this issue.

However, what the thing really has not been able to touch is my sense of humor which at times is funny and at times not funny at all. The people who are publishing my book asked me very seriously if I thought I'd be alive to see the launch of the book!!!! Now that was a
laugh and I looked at it in that light instead of loosing my cool etc.

So thats where I stand as of now,
Take care and lots of love,
Ananth
Take care,
Lots of love,
Ananth

Ananth,

I am so sorry, I did not know

Very Best Wishes

Martyn

Dear Martyn,

What are you sorry about? Life is a game - you win some and you loose some. The first time around I managed to keep the guy(cancer) at bay and I did emerge the winner but with major battle scars. This time around, I know I cannot defeat him and this is not being positive or negative but just accepting facts. As I mentioned I have lived a life which most people cannot believe or imagine and there is nothing in the world that i have not done except for the things I did not want to do. I have really lived life on my terms and as my mother and family put it - its doubtful if anyone can even get reincarnated seven times and still catch up with the life I lived in these few years. have no regrets,neither do I blame anyone or ever raise the question "why me?" I am well aware it has to strike someone and it chose lucky me. Well so much for luck.

At least everyone is prepared for the final exams and hope I get through them peacefully and pass out with honors. Life is as what you see it and I see it from an angle that I got the cancer for a reason(there are millons who smoke and are all healthy as bulls) and once i have completed the reason as to why I was the lucky one to be selected - its time to bid "adieu". However, I am going to complete my fifty years on this earth before catching the train out - hopefully I will get to travel first class as I have always done!!!

Again Martyn - I am not preaching or disecting anything you have metioned in your post - but just a small piece of advise - Dont ever get terrified of something that has not happened. You would just be wasting that much of your valuable time worrying rather then living and thats the reason you are here.

lots of love,
Ananth