Hi,

I hope I am ok to join this group, as it is not myself who has been diagnosed with oral cancer, but my brother. And just don't know where to turn for help on how we can help him. I have been perusing the web site for some time now trying to gleen information on what the growth on my brothers tongue could be. Despite many prayers this evening he has been told that he has Squamous Cell Cancer and is going to need surgery and radiotherapy. The doctor has said it is between grade 1 and grade 2, what this means I have no idea and that there is some swelling in one of his lymph nodes. He has been told there is a 70% chance of beating it but if not then he has maybe 2 years. I am devastated he is my baby brother, hes only 33, and life hasn't been the greatest to him thus far. He won't let anyone go to any appointments with him, when he spoke to me tonight he sounded upbeat, but I know he isn't you can see the worry in his eyes.

About 4 months ago he said to me """hey look at this ulcer""" I looked at it on the underside of his tongue, it was as big as an old 1/2p coin, and was kind of raised and white on top. I said I thought he should have it checked out, I found this site and realised how important it was he had this checked, so I kind of tried to nag him into seeing the GP without trying to cause him any worry and say it could be cancerous. By the time appointments come and go its now covering almost half of the underside of his tongue. And he has to wait till next wednesday to see another set of people, and I don't know how long before they will operate. I don't know what to do to help him, I am trying to be strong when we speak and not cry but its all I seem to have done,he has said he dosen't want to speak about it anymore now, hes just said what the doctors have said and thats that. I don't know if he is in denial or if he is just keeping it all inside himself, it pains me so badly to think of him hurting and worrying I can't even begin to imagine how he must be feeling, if I could swap places I gladly would, hes my baby brother, always.
If anyone can offer any advise on how to help him, and/or what I should make sure he has done or receives medically speaking I would so appreciate it. There has been a couple of mess ups already on just the journey to this diagnosis which dosen't tend to give much confidence, I know the NHS is stretched just would like to try and make sure things happen that should so he is given a good chance at that 70%..

Off to open another box of tissues now..

huggs

Michellex

Hi Michellex, I had a type 4 of the same cancer on the tongue. I survived. It was back in 1989. I didn't smoke. The doctors thought it was second hand smoke. I worked on a bookmobile and the driver smoked. I'll pray on your brother and hope that this helped. please keep in touch.
Cath

Michellex, Welcome to RDOC. I am so sorry that you had to come here, but at the same time I am proud that we are here for you. You know I have often thought about my brothers and sisters. What this has done to them. Reading your post just opened my eyes, thank you. I know they always try to sound so happy and upbeat, to use your fraze, but they are so tore up inside. I have been going thru this since 1989. I was 32. So that 70% chance they are giving your young brother doesn't mean a lot to me. Tho I can understand you being upset by it. I wa never told that tho. Not until the second time I got it. He needs to have someone with him. Don't ask just go. Make yourself ready avaiable for him. He doesn't want to bother you with it, or this is how it sounds to me. And I am sure he is in some denial, this is a lot to take all at one time. Don't you agree? I mean it is killing you and it isn't happening to you. Now can you see what it is doing to your brother. To be told that you could die is something that you just cannot grasp until you hear those words. Yes we are all going to die someday, but when a doctor tells you this, you are like,,,who me! I am dieing!!! NO WAY!! It is just such a shock. I will tell you this,, he needs to eat all that he wants to now. All the things he loves so dearly. Because 9 times out of 10 he will not be able to eat them again. I haven't been able to. He needs to start on some vitamins to build up his system. He needs to be in great shape to beat this disease. To fight this disease. This much I know for a fact. If he doesn't have them,,,get them for him. Does he live alone? Is he married? There are so many things that need to be done, that I really had no clue about, no one told me back in 1989. I was just thrown in the room and let go. Luckily I have always been a vitamin taker. So my body was in great shape to fight the battle that I was facing. He is facing a hard, hard time of it. I will also suggest a family portrait. I did this before every surgery. I thank the LORD that I did this too. For I now look a mess. Tho I am still alive. There will be no family portraits of me from no on. I will pray for your brother and your family. I must tell you my heart breaks just knowing what he is facing. I never knew pain until this. Be there for him, in every way that you can. DO NOT PITY HIM, We don't need pity. We need companionship. We need compassion. We need love. We don't need pity, sympathy or sorrow. We have enough of that ourselves, trust me. I have pity buckets, LOL, I mean I almost drown in them sometimes. I am sorry I have gone on and on. You need us,,,we are all here....Just talk to us,,,,Always Vicki Lynn

Hi

Thank you for your kind words, and words of advice. Its been a rather emotional weekend, still can't take it in and am worried sick about this radiotherpay stuff more than anything else. I have spoken to my brother abuot going with him next week and he is adamant no.

My sister has offered also and everyone else in family and hes been quite snappy when declining our offers. So I think best stop asking him on that one.

I so want to let him know what to expect, but.. also I don't want to put any added worry or pressure on him its a very difficult situation but maybe he even knows himself because he did say to me, this isn't going to be a straight in and out like it was for biopsy.

In answer to your questions Viccki, he is single, he has a son from a relationship whom he suppors financially, is in regular contact with and see's as often as he can get there (his ex moved a long way away taking my nephew with her). He lives with my father, who is not the easiest of people to live with, he cares and loves us all but... he is kinda bitter over the break up with my mum, my brother has not seen his mum since he was 2, and I know this affects him, I dont want to go into details of all this but this is maybe why I molliecoddle him so much, and am finding it hard to accept he is a grown man and that maybe he dosen't want his sister fussing over him just to be left to deal with things.

My younger sister is very positive mood, which helps we live just across the street from each other and its comforting to know we can talk about stuff and support each other, just wished my brotehr would take more help, maybe he will as things settle down and reality hits home, because I am not sure it has sunk in yet for him, and really can't expect it to so soon. I am hoping that after Wednesday he will let us help out more and talk to us more, teh thought of him carrying this alone is most painful of all.

I am desperately trying to get my spare bedroom decorating finished so that there is a nice room there for him to come and stay if he wishes to after his op, its quiet and cosy here and with his 2 sissies on hand will have us to take care of him..

Hope your weekend are treating everyone kindly.. Take care...
Huggs
Michelle x

Michelle, It sounds like he is angry to me. Just a opinion. He will need you tho, and you will be there. For now just let him know that you love him. What else can you do--if he won't let you. He has a lot of issues that perhaps you two girls don't have, so for now you have to let him deal with those. I feel for him tho, because he has family support and doesn't want it. There are so so many that have none, and would love to have it..I guess that is what makes the world go around,,,the differences in people. I just can't imagine going thru this alone,,,if you don't have to...WOW!!!! There are a ton of people that would love to tell him a thing or too...But this is his walk, you can't walk it for him..You are a wonderful sister tho, Brenda, I pray that he does know this....Prayers and thoughts--always Vicki Lynn