My husband Bill, diagnosed yesterday with cancer of the tonsils, tongue and lymph galds. The cosultant says the tumour is quite advanced and will present our case to the learned ones to find out what our procedures are going to be: no action a few months to live, surgery massive and invasive. Chemo and Radiotheraby could be. I am reeling. Bill is totally intolerent of needles et al. Dont think, no I know he can not cope. How do I cope. Quite honestly I would rather he died than went through debilitating surgery, chemo radiotherapy. Am I just a selfish bitch?

Dear Angie,from one wife to another, No, you are not being selfish, you are suffering from shock at Bills diagnosis, & the thoughts of the treatment he may have to undergo. All the Spouses on this Forum have been where you are now & its a horribly frightening place. But its amazing what we can cope with when we have to.
Once you know what procedures Bill has to undergo, you will be able get your thoughts together & marshall your strength to get him through it.
In the meantime,mobilise your Family & Friends for help with practical things like shopping , cooking,transport etc so you can concentrate on Bill.
The lovely people here will be joining me in wishing you both a good outcome, come back whenever you can, or whever you need to sound off at someone. All the very best to you both.

Dear Angie and Bill

You must both be devastated with that news. I can only hope that the learned ones have a plan to see you through.

I hope you both have the strength to support each other and I'm sure friends and family will rally around to give you the extra support.

My thoughts are with you - for what it's worth. Hang in there as best you can.

Pete

I have recovered from massive surgery,radiotherapy and hyperbaric treatment Angie. I was diagnosed aged 28 and never thought I'd get through it but I did. I found that after the initial shock I found an inner strength that I would never have thought possible. It is early days for you and you husband but dont give up. All the best to you both. Hagg.

Dear Angie and Bill

You will both need strengh from each other

I would not be were i am today without my wife

She always says we both in this together

Best wishes keep going
Dave and Sue

hi angie and bill

you are naturally distraught at the moment along with fear of the unknown.....the advice and support from the members here is sound and there are no better peeps to understand your situation.....stay positive and come back to the forum often......all the very best wishes

jeffers

Hey Angie & Bill...
Don't feel bad for how you feel. You'll both go through a huge range of emotions.
Bill may surprise you!
It's terrible it was discovered so late.
Best wishes to you both.
Michelle

Angie & Bill

Very sorry to hear your news & best wishes to you both.

I was diagnosed with cancer of the right tonsil & a secondary to one of my neck lymph glands. I had surgery to remove the primary tumour & all my RHS lymph glands with a flap taken from my right forearm to path up my throat.

Surgery was OK, pain relief very effective.

The chemo I had made me feel very ill for a few days each time, but no lasting effects.

Radiotherapy was OK at first, but steadily got more unpleasent.

7 months later I feel fine and it all seems rather long ago.

Thank you so very much, all you lovely people who have taken the time to reply and given me such words of comfort.

I must say, after I had signed on with you and sent my first desperate endeavour, I stayed up till 5.30 am reading lots of stories and it gave alot of encouragemeent. I went to bed and woke Bill and told him everything is going to be ok he isn't going to die.

The consultant rang last night and told me they had elected for chemo/radiotherapy, we go to Christies next Thursday for the plan of action.

I am so pleased that he us not going to go through such radical surgery but consultant had told us that he would only have surgery if it was possible to leave 1cm after taking out the tumour, does this mean that it is so bad that they wouldn't be able to leave 1 cm? if so, are they trying to plicate us with C/R? and how bad is the treatment?

Thank you everybody once again.

If you at the posts from the USA, they seem to go in for the chemo & R/T without surgery option a lot more often than in the UK. Not sure why, but they wouldn't do it if it wasn't a viable option.

I suspect the business about leaving 1 cm for surgery was to have something left behind to reconstruct the forearm patch on to. If they had to take it all out they couldn't reconstruct, making it something of a non-starter?

I think you need to ask your consultant for more certain answers...

"How bad is the treatment?" - Seems to vary a lot depending on dose, duration & the patient. Something you definately need to ask next Thursday.

As & when you get any problems, posting here can result in lots of useful tips on how best to deal with things.

Thats it Angie! Be positive!
I did alot of second guessing the consultant when i was diagnosed...
"what does she mean by this..."
"well I think she must mean such n such..."
& you can run yourself ragged jumping to conclusions!
Everyone reacts differently to Chemo & Rad. as 200 said it depends on the dose and the area treated. You can generally expect with head & neck treatment some difficulty eating during Rad. But remember during yoour darkest days it DOES get better and easier with time. Concentrate on good nutrition now. Make sure Bill gets to enjoy all his favourite foods!
& if you need support or questions answered, everyone here will do all they can.
Good luck with the treatment.
Michelle

Hello Fran

(not sure I am pressing the right keys so apols if you dont receive this ok) My eldest daughter came to stay this week end, preplanned before all this because youngest daugther was going on a course so eldest was coming with husband to help take care youngest's children, (three under 5). Gave space for Eldest and B to have some time together. He tells her he wants her here 100%. never said anything to me (we have enough room to accommodate) vote of confidence in me or what. I am so upset, I feel like packing a bag and just going (except I know I am going to wake up soon because this is actually a dream) Did you have anything like this, am I being too sensitive??

Hi Chelle and 200

Thanks again for your suppport. I need to make a list of all I need to ask - I should take a recorder with me, there are always bits you forget.

Angie

Hi Angie, Im so sorry you are feeling bad at the moment. When we receive a Cancer diagnosis, we tend to become a bit introverted & self absorbed, especially when awaiting results or treatments, & perhaps forget that our nearest & dearest are just as worried as us.
Not knowing your family dynamics its a bit difficult to say why B. didnt discuss your Daughter staying full time. Could it be he is worried about the pressure on You & wants extra help in the house for you, or could it be that he has unresolved issues he wants to get sorted. My Hubby got very irritable & short tempered initially, but only because he was so worried.
I couldnt believe at times how my normally mild mannered man could be so tactless at times!!
Hope your feelingthis morning

I have to admit Angie, i could be a complete ogre to my partner. We've been together 6 years and he's the one i lean on.
I think it was because bi felt so frustrated and inadequate and took it out on the one i love the most.
Also i tried to push him a away bit - there are oso many other girls out there that don't have tubes coming out of them. I felt i was more hassel than he deserved.
I'm sure inviting your daughter was not meant to knock on you. Bill probably felt you'd need some support.
I went to stay with my dad for nearly a month to give Amir a break from having to care for me, and he too felt a bit rejected. But it was never meant like that.
Communication between the two of you is so important Angie. Tell him how you feel. I found it so hard as Amir finds it difficult to be open with his feelings and i just wanted to know how he was doing.
He felt a bit left out as everyone was more concerned with me, but our partners go through it every step.
People forget that.
All the best,
Michelle