Hi everyone, I'm a 34yr old married mother of 3, I have an older sister who's 35 and my mother is 57. My father, also 57, underwent major surgery yesterday to remove a cancerous tumour from under his tongue and they also removed his lymph nodes on the right and left side of his neck. My mum, sister and I went to see him in Intensive care last night and it was so distressing. He was very agitated and confused, he had a clip board and a piece of paper to write things on (which half the time didn't make sense!) He had been cut all around his neck and it had been stapled together, he looked like he'd been run over by a train! It was so distressing to see him like this and I only lasted 2 minutes before I had to leave. The hospital have telephoned my mum this morning and he is still very agitated and confused, how long will he be in this state? Apparently a nurse came in to suction the blood from his mouth and my sister so the new flap of skin which they'd taken from his left wrist and it was all pink and healthy. I have decided that I cannot go back and see him whilst he's in this state and I feel so bad and unsupportive, my sister is going back with my mum tonight and I just cant face it.
Thanks for listening
Samantha

Hello Manta20,

Know it is easy to say but don't panic. Your dad has just had a lot of surgery and aneasthetic which will take a while to get over. He will probably be unlikely to remember anything in a couple of days. Of course it is very distressing for an onlooker but a day or so will make such a difference. Just hang in there and I am sure your mum and sister will tell you that he has improved greatly when they next see him.

L o L

Joan

It'll be alright. It is a shock. My son ran off crying when he first saw me after the surgery - and that was two weeks later. I looked like Frankenstein's monster for a while. As for intensive care that was the worst of the worst of the worst - so if he's out of that it's all good. It is very distressing but as I kept telling myself - it;s better than being dead! Cancer kills. Oral cancer kills one in five. Keep the faith and everything will be fine. It takes time to recover and heal but he will be fine!
Best wishes and send him my best regards as someone whose been there!
Tony

Dear Manta20,

I am glad you reached out to this great site. As you can tell by my log in, I am here for my father too. It is not easy but be strong. Dig down!! Find the strength you didn't even know you had!! Your father needs you right now. He is in a strange place and in pain. Having you and your sister and your mum is what he needs.

I know, it's tough. BUT BE THERE FOR HIM!!! Hold his hand. He needs to see your familar face - hear your voice - feel your touch - see you smile. It Is Not Easy BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Go in and VISIT HIM - step out if you need to and catch your breath and get your butt right back in there. Tell him stories even about the smallest things, maybe a fond memory -- connect with you like you never have. It is ok if you cry but smile too. My brother and I were able to watch his heart rate relax just with us in the room. Try to make him comfortable. MOST OF ALL LOVE HIM - JUST LOVE HIM - he is your father - please go be there for him.

Hiya Samantha

In my case, it was my mum who had the same op as your dad, only the flap was taken from her tummy, not her arm.

I remember all too well that first day in Intensive care, just my dad and I went to visit.

My brother is 5 yrs older than me and he just could not cope with it and rarely visited. His wife didn't go at all, because we would have been scooping her up off the floor.

My mum knew all this before she went in and knew that my brother would react this way - she's known us all our lives after all -

If you really feel you can't see him like that, then offer to help in other ways. Mum's washing, or cooking or cleaning or something like that.

Your dad will improve very rapidly and almost every day another tube will come out and the swelling will go down.... but believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Me and dad left the room and both sobbed in each others arms. To be honest, I felt I was there for my dad as much as for my mum, but your sister can take that role.

If everything goes according to plan, you will be surprised at how quickly he recovers from the op. Don't forget, the anaesthetic alone has a disturbing effect.

If you want to ask me anything, or if I can be of help, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Dear Samantha,
It feel nice to be posting once again after such a long gap. However coming directly to the point almost all of us who have been through various surgeries have had this problem. In my case it was my elder son who came to the hospital once and then never again. He went into a shell as he could not bring himself to accept what his father was and what he had become. Even I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror, so I really would not blame you if you could not remain with your dad for a longer period. Again its only of late that my elder son has accepted the changes in my body and is no longer one who tends to keep away from me.
I am sure your dad will get better very soon and everyone, including your Dad will look at things in a very positive manner and would actually take things to be normal. Its just a matter of time and love.
I have read the responses of all the others here and they are all right and have been though the experience if not directly but indirectly as you are going through right now.
As most of them, I also feel things will turn out just right.
Take care,
with warm regards,
Ananth

Thank you so much for all of your wonderful words of encouragement and advice. Dad has now been moved out of ITU and into a High Dependancy word. My sister and Mum have been at his bedside daily and I am going to go today with my sister. My Auntie (my dad's sister) travelled all the way up from Portsmouth to see him yesterday, and his brother is coming up from Portsmouth tomorrow.
My mum was very emotional yesterday, it's not the way he looks which is upsetting, it's the way he's acting. He is hallucinating badly, spiders in his bed etc we all know it's the morphine he's taking but it doesn't make it any easier to watch!
I'm going to see him at 3.30 this afternoon so will hopefully report back later with some positive news
Thanks again
Sam x

Hi I am Manta20 sister, she told me about this site yesterday. What a great way to get some information and support.

Obviously she has told you all about the experiences that we as a family are having at the moment, I would just like to say that your words of encouragement are greatfully accepted and it is comforting to know that we are not alone.

Off to see Dad again today, I have this notion in my head that I have to see him everyday whilst he is in hospital no matter what. His appearance does not bother me in the slightest and I am always asking the nurses looking after him endless questions. It is how, in my own mind, I can make sense of everything. I also have to make sure that he is being properly looked after, if not I am onto it

Thank you again

Sarahx

Hi Sis, where'd Squidgy come from??

As my sister said, we're off to see dad shortly and will hopefully be able to post some positive news later.

Keep the words of wisdom coming x

Hi Samantha, sure is a hard one to grasp, getting rid of this type of illness. I honestly feel having been hrough very similar experiences to your father, that you are in a challenging situation. Can be shocking, sure.

At least when I had my time away, may family came everyday to see me, my brother even took a week off work to be closer to home.

This I believe has aided my recovery.

Stay strong for your elder family,

Regards

Just got back from seeing my Dad and feel so much better now. Yes he's still covered in staples, tubes, drips etc but he was fully aware we were there. He's talking through the back of his mouth and I could understand most things he was saying. He asked how my 3yr old daughter is and we chatted about his beloved Pompey Football Club. He's currently having a having a blood transfusion as his blood count was 7 and they want it to be 9. They've also put an oxygen pipe through his nose as he had a panick attact in the middle of the night as he thought he couldn't breathe as his tongue is so swollen.
Hopefully my sister and I will be able to write positive progress reports over the next couple of days/weeks.
Thanks again for all your support
Sam x

Hi Sam (and Sarah)

So glad to hear your Dad is doing OK and is able to talk. Also that you are feeling so much better yourself, Sam. Hopefully things will carry on improving apace!

I remember the staples - I felt like the bride of Frankenstein. But they were soon out and now there is nothing to show for them at all.

Best wishes to you all

Gwyn xx

Good Morning each and every one,
All this sounds so familiar even though it is four and a half years ago. When my wife and younger daughter ,Jane, came to see me I was surrounded by electronic gizmos, festooned in drips and drains,arm suspended in some sort of scaffolding and neck full of staples.
Jane looked at me for a while then said "Dad, I think they have made a distinct improvement" this removed any residual apprehension.
Keep Smiling
John

Thank you all again for such wonderful words of advice. I am now seeing Dad on a daily basis and each day is more positive. He is now out of the High Dependency Unit and on to a "normal" ward. He has had all drainage tubes removed and now only has one tube through his nose for his food. Yesterday he got the nurse to teach him how to undo the food tube so that he could walk around and go to the toilet on his own! He is now on regular walkabouts and his happy chatting to other patients to pass the time! The Maxillo surgeon cam to see him yesterday and the was very pleased with dad's progress and was talking about removing the staples on Thursday or friday and if Dad could manage to swallow over the weekend he may be able to come home on Monday!! The consultant hasn't mentioned Chemo or Radiotherapy, infact the last time it was mentioned was at his 1st Consultant appointment about 6 weeks ago, did an of you have to undergo Chemo/Radiotherapy after your operations?
Take care everyone
Sam x

Hi Sam

I have been away on holiday and only just having a chance to catch up. I didn't have the flap like your Dad did but did have a neck dissection for the removal of lymph nodes - I looked like deserate Dan!!!! My 13 yr old and 9 yr old sons came to see me in the afternoon and were quite distressed (especially the 13 yr old cause as he arrived I was being helped to the loo ba a male nurse and was flashing my knickers!!!)

The scar has healed really nicely and strangers don't even know its there unless I point it out!

Best wishes to your Dad

love Chloex