I found this funny "If you want anything in this life you have to work for it" "now quiet as they are giving out the lottery numbers on TV"



Paul

stll waiting for your funnies!!

One of my favourite Homer Simpson quotes

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

Here's some goodens -
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-- Andy Rooney

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
-- Joey Adams

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.
-- Zenna Schaffer

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
-- W.C. Fields

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
-- Marty Feldman

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Mark Twain

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
-- Elayne Boosler

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
-- Jean Kerr

on a wal at the hospital "Death can be Fatal"

The wit and wisdom of Groucho Marx .....
I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution.

From Monkey Business: "I know, I know, you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night."

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Blood's not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

From At the Circus: "You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles."

I drink to make other people interesting.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

and my own particular favourite ...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Robert WT

It makes you think
1 If a man stands in the middle of a forest, speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

2 If a deaf person swears, does their mother wash their hands with soap?

3 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, could it be considered a hostage situation?

4 Is there another word for 'synonym'?

5 Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

6 When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

7 Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

8 What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

9 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

10 What would a fly without wings be called? (a walk?)

11 Why on Earth do they lock toilets at petrol stations? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

12 If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

13 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

14 Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

15 If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

16 How do they get the deer to cross at the road sign?

17 Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?

18 Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

19 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

20 What was the best thing before sliced bread?

21 What shape does a pear go?

22 Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?


Tee hee!

Robert WT

Excellent stuff Robert.You forget what a genius this man was