Hello my name is Julie (33)and I'm martyns(42)partner. Martyn had his voice box removed in may of this year after being told surgery was the only option after a scan showed a grade 4 cancer on his larynx.Martyn recovery has been slow mainly because of a number of fistulas. We have 6 children between us(3 live with us) and I have found the last few months absolutely exhausting.I desperatly want to scream and shout at him and I feel angry and bitter with him.I feel that I get no support back from him, maybe I should'nt get any, am I being the selfish one even expecting any, after what he has been through. I have told him that I feel drained and exhausted, all I get is "you should be in my shoes "I had to take a month off from my job whilst he was in hospital as I found the 175 mile round trip every other day totally exhausting, along with trying to juggle the kiddies to.I love martyn with all my heart and I feel knackered, angry and alone.

Juliee,
I sort of understand how you feel. Doug didn't have his voicebox removed or anything but he did have the feeding tube because he couldn't swallow or eat and alot of other complications and I handled the physical problems with no problem at all. It wasn't until the black depression and anger and the overdoses from the pain meds occured that I started to lose my mind a little. I felt angry with him for not trying harder and not being thankful to be alive when I was so thankful he was still here! Then I felt guilty for being mad at him because he has been through so much but then again...so have I....worrying every day if he will live or die, if he will hurt himself on purpose or by accident, if my will/love is enought to keep him going. The only advice I can give is that it is so important to communicate with him how you feel but not in an angry way that will make him feel bad but in a way that will make you both understand that you still love each other but that there are two kinds of anguish going on and both need to be acknowledged and validated. If you need to talk...let me know and I can send you my email.

I feel that there is a black cloud hanging over us both, and no matter what I do it just doesnt seem to be lifting. Martyn is such a special person and was such a easy going person, up until he had his operation that is. I have read on previous posts of relationships breaking down because of cancer and I want to do whatever I can to save ours. Martyn has refused any kind of medication to help with the depression(the doctor picked up not all was well at a recent visit)Martyn refuses to speak to me when I tell him how I feel, he tells me if I'm not happy then I should leave.

Well medication isn't always the answer. Doug was on five different antidepressents since January and he would do well for a week or two and then go into a horrible suicidal state. He just stopped taking them a couple of weeks ago and is much better. He gets very sad and has anxiety but nothing like it was before. He sees a therapist once a week and that helps and I have wondered if we shouldn't go into couples therapy which I always thought was corny but now I am having second thoughts. I really wish I could help you but all I can say is I have been/am there with the frustration and at least you can have an ear! Oh and Doug was really happy-go-lucky too but think about how much their lives have changed and how scary it must have been facing death that way, it does change a person forever but I still see some of the old Doug in him and beleive things will get better. Sorry if this doesn't help much!

Juliee. You can expect the depression to last for some time and I doubt Martyn will ever fully come to terms with what he's been through.
It really is a life changing experience.
My experience was similar to that of Doug's and I never thought I would enjoy any aspect of life again but that has slowly changed over three years. I'm back on track with work and have developed a lot of new interests and am determined to keep as busy as possible. Although still a little shaky and not as confident as I once was, i'm doing ok.
If Martyn seems snappy with you its because he feels vunerable to the outside world and has probably become very withdrawn with his thoughts surrounding what he has been through. It takes a of lot understanding and patience to see your partner through these very distressing early months/years. Things will improve but he needs all the encouragement he can get from those around him to move forward. I hope everything starts picking up for you both and that everything improves at home. I know my Jane was just as much a victim of Cancer as I was so we have travelled the same road.

I understand that martyn has been through so much, what I find so difficult to take in that he just seems so ungratful for anything I do for him,a 'Thank You' every once in a while would be no nice, but I feel that he no longer wants me or the children around.I have suggested that he sees his GP or even some councelling but he says that he will be fine once he returns to work.

Juliee,

This is so timely...believe me, I will bet you anything he is all too aware of how much you have done and gone through but it is probably hard for him to acknowledge it because he is embarrassed that he is no longer "the man he used to be". Maybe he feels like he is less than a fully functional member of your marriage/partnership and doesn't know yet how to accept these changes so he gets angry but most likely at the situation but it seems like at you. men are kinda funny like that!

Thanks so much for the support we both have had, I have shown martyn the posting that I had done and he was so overwhelmed.I know that over the last 12 months mouth Cancer Foundation has been a tower of strength to me especially.Just knowing that there is always somebody who will try and answer a question for me, thank you all so very very much

Your'e welcome

Juliee,

Its no problem, I know so well how you feel and your last posting came at a time when Doug and I had just had a serious heart-to-heart so I had a "man's perspective" for the moment. I really do know how you feel and there have been many people who have saved my sanity on this forum just by being there and answering some questions/providing some info/insight. Hang in there!

Hello Juliee/Martyn

What you are experiencing is not your fault Juliee, nor is it to be fair Martyn's, you both have had to share a traumatic experience most folks fortunately never have to face.

Martyn should seek and accept help for his depression, that is common post trauma and there is no stigma in accepting such help, it will be short term. The better Martyn feels in himself the sooner he will recover, if his anxiety levels are sky high he will find his recovery process will be significantly retarded.

I have been there Martyn, my operation was in 1995, I know what it is like and had to recover without the emotional support of my wife, who found my new look revolting. But that was not my wife's fault that was just her, she had her own problems with depression long before my illness became manifest.

But here I am almost 12 years on still alive, still in work, still in my marriage. The trauma that you have suffered is so extreme that it would be amazing if you managed to cope without help for depression, down in the dumps, sadness whatever way you want to describe what is happening to you Martyn and what it is doing to you.

My message is simple there is life after cancer and I among thousands and thousands of others are proof positive of that fact.

My heart goes out to both of you, hang in there it will get better, but you must give it time and accept available support which is not a sign of weakness.

Best wishes and may God pour his Grace upon you both. Alan