Hi all, I've not been on this forum much for a while, but coming back I was reading this thread http://rdoc.org.uk/eve/forums/...=642107792#642107792
and found Jenni's post particularly relevant right now. It brought tears to my eyes. In a good way, I guess: sharing. I'm sorry, I don't know how to quote her post properly here, so I'm just going to copy/paste.

"The 'battle' against cancer is a great misconception. I am sure that we have all had dark days that we don't like to remember or talk about. Most people will only see us on our good days, on the bad days we don't go out of our home, and very few people know quite how bad everything was. Every check-up can bring back overwhelming emotions. I have had CAT scans, and ultrasounds, which I driven to in tears. I have been unable to sleep whilst awaitng results of these tests, and I have had to take sleeping tablets to carry on with day-to-day life. My partner has supported me throughout, although on more than one occasion he was surprised when I told him that I was going for a test and I asked him if he would come with me. I know that he knew I was booking the test, but I think he blanks it out. I haven't even told my close family about these check-ups and follow up tests, so they were very surprised when I phoned them up to let them know I had been given the all clear at my last check-up, and didn't need to come back every 6 months anymore. Even they thought that I had been 'cured' when my treatment ended."

Just recently I was going through an up period - I contacted Dr Vinod and proposed my blog as a link in the 'stories' links section, because I reckon it's an honest and helpful blog, for those who are just at the start of the journey, in search of knowledge and companionship within the illness; it is also a frequently humorous blog, and I reckoned it was positive and would just help. I still think so.

And here I am now, a few days later, on the brink of tears all the time (but not, not crying, because One Has To Be Strong) - so, so depressed, going through a what's the POINT phase.

Yes, the emotional toll is very great, and it continues long after the initial treatments and traumas are over. I had my one-year scan (all clear) 10 days ago, and the run-up to it was a nightmare (2 weeks of me being FOUL); it being clear was nice but, you know, it's not that big 'oof' one would really like; because I am not 'cured' and no-one treating me is daft enough to say so (I see the surgeon every 2 months at the moment). And now I'm down down down. Why? well, it doesn't really matter, it just is - the real point is, I hide it. I hide it from everyone, I have told one friend about it (at long distance, sadly, my long time friends are all in the UK, I'm in France); and I have finally 'confessed' here. Why does one hide it?

Because it's too much - for everyone else? Is that it? I don't think so. I have a sense of shame. Shame towards the people who have put so much effort into treating me to make me better, and here I am feeling like life is pointless; shame towards my friends and family who have supported and encouraged me, and here I am 'better' but finding it so hard and feeling so down; shame that I am scared (because I know I'm not 'better'); shame that I don't share. Shame that I'm ashamed. You name it, I'm probably ashamed about it!

It all leads to massive emotional instability - if you don't cry, if you don't share, all this stuff has to come out somehow, and for me generally it's through anger. Which is a real shame for my poor partner. (Then again: he has never been able to cope with my emotional needs throughout this, so I'm afraid he just has to get it poured on him one way or another! would be good if there could be less anger around though).

I recently saw the social security doctor to validate me still not being back at full time work (am part time), and she advised me that I should seek support, she said she sees many cancer patients, and they almost all suffer from depression and emotional problems after treatment. Tomorrow I am going to see doc and will discuss seeing someone to assist, counselling of some sort. Don't want to depend on pills though!!

So - I guess I am rassuring myself and others, it's, if not 'normal', then certainly 'common', to suffer from depression/emotional issues because of all this. I am not alone. You are not alone.

Hi Moptop, if you didn't get depressed (proper depressed as oppose to 'a bit fed up') then you'd be one in a million I would have thought. My depression lasted bloody ages and even though I had my up days I think I was still depressed really.
I recognise all the feelings you state in your post and would just say, dont try to hide it. If you can get on with things and ignore it thats fine but after what you've been through I think you have the right to be depressed.
Dont be afraid to keep asking for help until you feel you have what you need too. I had three counsellors before I got the help of a pyschologist but I had to really push for it.
Hagg.

Hi, Hagg. Thanks for your response, and I'm sorry I havn't answered. But, you know - one of those things about depression, you don't communicate too much!

I am very pleased to say, I have been seeing a psychologist (a behavioural and congnotive development specialist to be exact), who has worked with a lucuemia treatment centre in the past, specifically working with the survivors. She is lovely. My friend from the UK came over to see me, just 2 nights, but we talked and talked and he really helped!

I am still up and down - generally I'm on an up at the moment, but I recognise that I can easily plummet again, and as you say, I'm still depressed really. In fact, in my up periods, I'm hyper, rather than 'healthy' up. But it's a hell of a lot better than NO up!

Being back at work full time is very positive for me, although I am hyper-sensitive to any criticism, and am feeling - oh, all sorts of stuff about that at the moment, but mostly, I really feel like, hey, I'm 51. I'm a big girl now. Will everyone please realise that I am experienced, capable, professional and, at home, I do not need parenting? So much so that I feel like stamping my little feet and yelling.

So in fact I think I'm going through an adolescent crisis!

Oh and - it's nearly 3 am here. I don't go to sleep. I sleep really well once I;ve started, but getting there is so hard. So, getting back into the normal daily time table is really difficult.

hi
i to suffered from depression with the second bout of cancerm
i was lucky my consultant regonised this and refered me to a specialist. i saw her for 12 weeks and it helped so much

Regards
Dave and Sue

I really do sympathise with everything you say as I too have very very up days but then come crashing down very easily.

Once you've survived this awful disease and are given the 'all clear' its never ever really going to be the all clear is it deep down . You are constantly terrified of the cancer coming back, any ulcer, headache, hurting is always the most scary thing to endure. I have been told it does get better with time but its so hard.

I am three years 'clear' now but have just had to go back for a CT scan after a month of severe headaches.A work colleague told me I've got to stop being a hipercondriac with every ache and pain I get and just to try get on with life. I could have honestly punched her in the face as she's no idea what its like to have a time bomb inside you wondering if it will go off again.

I find I do look at life differently but sometimes I do get so so angry when people are moaning at the slightest thing, I work at Waitrose and people have a go at you because we haven't got their loaf in or the eggs they like and I could really say something not very nice to them!!Its a bloody loaf for gods sake, your not dying= get a life...... I've never had these sort of feelings before and sometimes it does really frighten me when I get this temper.

While I'm awaiting my results for my CT scan, my mind is a whirl, I'm not sleeping, I can't concentrate at work. I just want to hide at home on my sofa with my little boy. I'm so scared it makes me feel ill....... vicious circle eh?

Sorry I've had a moan there, fingers crossed I'm ok again this time....please god!

Sammy I am so glad you were able to get in touch with my good friend Denny. Just like so many of us on here she has had her ups and downs. She is all heart. Luckily she just made it thru a big down and is so anxious to get on with her life again & jumped at the opportunity to give you insight from one who has been there & is managing to climb back out again.

Hopefully, in your case it is a false alarm. however, i am in full agreement with you.... when the red flag goes up dust off your battle plan and act accordingly. I checked your profile and didn't see how old you little boy is. bad enough, being scared, but having a little boy just makes it that much rougher.

pete228

Hi all - thanks for responding to this thread, and sammy, I really do recognise those symptoms, lordy. I am being FOUL again at the moment - and in tears - and foul - because I have another scan coming up at the beginning of March. This one will cover the thoracic cage, which the last one didn't (but probably should have done). I have recently been having a few light problems breathing - just, like having a minor upper respiratory tract infection, or minor bronchitis, nothing really noticeable; but when you have had a cancer and you know it is high risk for metastasis to the lungs, and you have a thoracic scan coming up - oh well, you know. I try to think positive, 'they are doing regular scans at short intervals, they can catch anything early and treat it'; but I can't help having the negative side, just thinking I have something. Fear fear fear. It is NOT good for the temper.

My partner finds it very difficult to cope with all this, he is not good at emotions, he is very tired - his backlash - and most of the time, he doesn't sleep with me any more, we don't talk (although we do argue), we have no intimacy, we are not friends. This is really hard for me, I don't feel I have anyone to turn to, I try to protect him from it all because it is hard for him - but I resent that! - vicious circles - I try to protect my parents too, celebrated my mum's 80th birthday last weekend. She's a cancer survivor, so I try to take courage from that.

Oh dear. Venting. Sorry.