It has been a very long time since I have been one the site. I have been reading up on all that I have been missing out on. WOW!!! Just to let everyone know that I am doing GREAT!! Nothing has really change (by that I mean with the outcome of the surgery) but me. I have changed. One cannot help but to change when something as devastating as this walks into their lives. Or is some cases flies. However the case may be for you, it will take you years to finally figure it all out. If even then. I tell you this, I have been up and down every road known to man, some that wasn't known. Some roads are new never been traveled before. Complete terror in what the roads holds in store. I have been in some dark rooms, scared to death. I have been in places where there was fresh breezes yet I could not breathe. The world that I live in has not changed at all, I have. People hurry along without a care in the world. I go to the grocery store, though I cannot eat a thing) to buy groceries for my husband, people standing in line to check out with baskets full of food. Staring at me. Each one talking to the other about any number of things, but to me--I am not there,,no one talk to me. I have gotten used to this now tho. You have to or it will eat you alive. I don't want anyone to tell me to give it time. There isn't enough time in the world to get over something like this. I don't want anyone to tell me that this is normal. Because believe me when I say this--my life will never be NORMAL again. Not that it was ever in the beginning. LOL. I have discovered that I don't need anyone's advise anymore. I know that sounds awful, but once you hear me out you will agree. No one can tell me how I should feel, or think or react. Because there is no text book about any of this. It is a one on one learning experience. And what is good for me may not be good for you. What works for me may not work for you. Depression,,oh you bet. We would have to be ROBOTS not to be depressed. Upset, HELL YES!! Our lives as we knew them, just went out the window, now we are left behind with the remains of a life we once knew and loved. Mad, you bet, I have never known anger, not like this. Yet I cannot find a proper release for it! I will be on Morphine for the rest of my life!!! Me--on MORPHINE!! No one really is to BLAME!! Tomorrow is another day, thank you Lord, for allowing me to have another day..This is what I am thankful for.one more day. to love my family. to see the world. to hear the birds singing outside my windows. to live. Complain yes, I am, I was, I will. I am human. I feel, I hurt, I cry. I will never give up or give in, I will just accept. Accept things for what they really are and try to live a life beside it all. All in all it is a MIRACLE that I am still here at all. There are so many that aren't. I should be ashamed to complain one minute about anything. There is a part of me that is, then there is another part of me that isn't. Because after all, this is not what I EVER in a million years would have ever thought that my life would be like. Doctors more doctors, pain oh the pain. tears, tears, and more tears, Alone in all my thoughts, because to share them only makes the ones that love you feel so helpless that they can't make it all go away. In the end,,it is just you and the Cancer. One on one. ...To all----Bless you,,,Vicki Lynn

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Vicki Lynn,

My dad is in the same boat.. I wont re-write it again but I feel like my world is crashing in on me

eyecandy007--don't let it CRASH in....No matter what you have to stand fast. Your Dad is counting on you rather he will ever admit it or not. He needs your strenght to hold onto. Because his is fading fast. Trust me, I used to be a tower of strenght, now I grab it whenever I can. I guess to re-fuel if you will...Talk to me..I will listen....I will try to help..We have to stick together on this...If not,,,,we are truely alone...Who wants to be---not me...Always, Vicki Lynn

thank you.. its just one thing after another.. He had the surgery to remove the tumor and the lympnode recovered fast the doctors were amazed.. he goes to rehab doing well.. We go to Dana Farber and they said were the tumor was looks good its gone but are concerned about the cancer "roots" if they are going to spread. The opted to do chemo again but my dad is so weak that he wants his body to rest.. Chemo didnt work back then why would it now.. I know I have to be strong but its hard not to cry when I see him now.. They may spread may not.. I think he is opting for monthly ck ups.. I have to abide by his decision its his life.. I/ my Mom praying all the time I feel like God is playing some cruel game

Hi Vicki, just read your latest message. WOW!!! sums up my feelings at this time. You have said everything I want to say. Just me and the cancer, all the advice has been well meant, but it does not help. Like you say it's one on one. I feel for my wife and all my children, as they can only sit back and wait for me to come through the dark, dark tunnel. I, like you, have come to accept my future and I am very grateful for each new day, and look forward to any changes it may bring. I no longer feel the awful self pity that I went through for some time. I now look forward to watching my grandchildren grow up. Thanks for expressing my feelings, and i'm sure many others, so very well. Best wishes to you, i look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Regards Bill

Vicki, thanks for that message.

It's an intensely personal journey for all of us - I can't know all what you've been through, but I can sypathise and empathise with the experience.

We are both helped by the knowledge that it's not just us, that we're not alone, and each of us learns from the experience of others.

I've hated most of what's been done to me, even though it did me good. It hurt, it took away things I used to enjoy like taste and enjoyment at the dinner table. But I also found out how strong my marriage really is - and how much much I love my wife, and just how supportive she has been and still is.

Now after almost five years taste is creeping back. Enjoyment is creeping back. The dizzy spells have gone away. I can eat a McDonalds again, even though I still prefer Burger King, but the nearest one is 80 km away. I'm recovering more and more of what was lost. It will never be the same again - but our marriage is stronger for beating the threat together, and I am still looking forward to celebrating my 117th birthday in another half century or so.

Most importantly for me - I'm still here, complaining. So are you. That can't be bad.

Bill & Phillip, Why I thank you both for sharing your heartfelt honest feeling with me. I am so thankful that I am not alone and never well really be alone. For as long as I live and long after I am gone---CANCER---will still be ALIVE & STRONG...I pray that this site will ALWAYS be here to help those like us thru the most horrifying times of our lives. I like you have also grown to honestly know what the true meaning of LOVE is. What the true meaning of FRIENDSHIP is. What the real meaning of FAMILY is. I wish it didn't have to take this to show me. But it has, before CANCER, I had some superficial people in my life. Once CANCER came they ran as fast as they possible could. The pity bucket for me was deep...I had to crawl a long time to find my way out of it. I no longer pity myself. I no longer cry for hours on end. I no longer dream of a better day. I do pity those that do not look at life like I always have. Those that complain day in and day out about everything and anything. Never once realizing what beauty lies in front of them. I cry about what I am going to miss. I cry for those that are just beginging there battle with this horrible disease. They have no clue as to what lies in front of them...I know only too well. I don't dream of a better day,,,,I just dream for another day...I will say this tho, soon those days will be full of pain no matter what anyone does....I will then no longer dream for another day---yet I will then dream for the day to end....I pray that when that day comes---it will be fast for me. I just lost a very dear friend to this..She kissed her husband goodnight. When he awoke in the morning, she was gone.....I pray this will happen with me. No hospitals...NO clinics...No Hospice...No tubes, needles...Home in my own bed. Ahhhhh, that would be peace....

Miss Vicky Lynn... I've been reading through the messages on this site most of this day and finally decided to log in and start communicating myself. A lot of the older back log stuff from months and months ago is peppered with messages of encouragement and insight from YOU. It only took me ten minutes of reading as a newcomer to realize that you are an ICON on this site. I totally respect the words (straight from the hip) and personal experiences that you've shared. These latest messages from you seem to reveal a tired-as-hell Vicky Lynn. I don't know you and have peaked into your world just today... but I still sense your spark through the cries. After pouring out your heart and telling us you're angry... you are still able to come back with uplifting notes to the folks that responded to your I'm-back-to-the-site message. Even though you would undoubtedly soooooo much rather be just a regular gal with regular worries (not the cancer nightmare types!)... you are instead an inspiration and truth-speaker to others with cancer. (Surely NOT what you always dreamed of being, but it just seems to be your niche... and you are a natural at making these people feel that they can indeed survive another day.) I appreciate you, Miss Vicky Lynn (and all the other site members too), and I'm thankful to have stumbled across this godsend of a communication center today. I'm not the one with cancer... it's my husband... and my whole mission in life right now is to do everything in my human power to keep him from relapsing and dying. It's that simple... I just don't want him to die. May God hold every single person who reads this in the palm of His hand... protect, comfort, and grant miracles if that's what it takes. Thanks for listening. And, Vicky... I'm glad you are here.

Well said Melanie.

Even when Ranting on Vicki you are an Inspiration to us all.

Keep Strong
Yvonne

Yvonne, I didn't realize I was "RANTING" on. I am being honest. I am telling it like it is. For me that is. These are my words my feelings. Thank you for the later compliment.
With that said I was thinking the other day about some of the things I miss.....
I miss:
Licking a Ice cream cone.
Brushing my teeth.
Drinking a Coke.
Eating a Hamburger.
Kissing my husband.
A Hershey's Chocolate Bar.
Food.
Singing a song.
Laughing Outloud.
Lipstick.
I would have NEVER EVER NEVER thought that I would one day not be able to eat, drink, kiss, talk....Who would? Ranting on----This is the one place in this whole wide world that we can Rant/Rave/Scream/Yell/Cry/Laugh/Talk....This is OUR haven. This is our salvation. This is the place that keeps us from going out of or minds. Or the one place that we go before we lose complete control. This place has saved so many from making a grim fatal mistake...I know this first hand...Just trust me....

Me,,,When I am not on here Going on and on and on....I work in our business 4 days a week. I work with a program for the schools here in Las Vegas as well. I take care of our home, our yard, our 2 dogs and my wonderful husband. Then there is me. I really do not mean to sound so bitter. I really don't. If you knew me, I am the one that acts as tho there is not a thing in the world that I cannot handle. I am the Moma that my kids tell everyone that I am there HERO. They don't know how I do all that I do. I am the Grandma that bakes cookies and cupcakes with my 4 grandkids. I am the one that takes them ALL to the park and plays football, soccer or baseball with them. Yes, I am this and so much more. I am the one that is there for everyone.....They all try to be there for me...However they all do not KNOW what to do. Why? They don't have a clue on how this is...That is what this site is for....To inform...To educate...To teach...Thank you so much for creating this site for people like me that need a place to vent, to let it all out, because my family and friends they are too close to the situtation to listen to it all. The tears fall to quickly....They still fall on here as well but I can still type and cry....I can't talk and cry...U get the picture....God Bless All of Us....We are special...HERO'S..You bet....We all are....

Hi Vicky
Great to have you back, I was getting worried about you! I still keep an eye on the message board, even though Paul wasn't one of the lucky ones its good to hear of others still going strong, lots of love to you
Jennie sankey

HELLO JENNIE!!!!! How are you doing? Yes it has been a very long time hasn't it? Yes I do so remember Paul God Love him. How are you doing in the aftermath of it all? I can't even begin to imagine what your life is like. If you feel up to it and would like to talk about it, I will listen. You have been a trooper thru it all, I do know this. It is just so great to hear from you...Vicki Lynn

As always Vicki, you are an inspiration on this site, and one of the stronger characters.
Our adopted leader I think!
I've learned to live with my side effects but i'll never get used to them as they are a painful reminder of what we go through to rid ourselves of the dreaded "C". And of course we are entitled to get mad sometimes. People who have not been afflicted with oral cancer can't imagine what its like to deal with.
The fear is always there.

Vicky

I am saying the obvious but "WELCOME BACK, Vicky". This message board did miss its adopted leader. Keep well.

Best wishes
Vinod