A big hug for each of the guys and thats accompanied with a smooch to all my lovely loving ladies,

I finally managed to gather myself and feel like getting into a kind of mood where I was keen on knowing how everyone was doing. I am really happy thats things are moving and everyone seems very positive about things.
One thing,I came acoss and do want to comment on is Suzies question on how one faces the world? I thought about this Suzie and thought you would have figured out the answer. I know how it is each time you or for that matter so many others here and I hate the stranger looking back at us when we manage to venture in front a mirror. None of us are really happy with the result ( someone would have had to be sooooo ugly, thats its made a difference!!! - that was a nasty joke!!).You know Suszie - how many of the people you meet on the roads do you know? Are they all a part of your life? Are they the ones who are caring for you? I dont think so and if thats so why should you bother about some strangers who are just passing by. Coming to others - the ones who love you - do not love you for your looks but for all that you are. They understand what you have been through and would take every care not to let anyone give you "those" as they already know what you have been through. So - who are your priorities? I am sure you would and should have guessed by now. The point I am trying to make is - not everyone, or for that matter I should say anyone has a perfect life - and noone will ever have one. I could give you thousand of instances who do not what the meaning of Cancer is but are worse of then any of us. So - the point - do not think of the world and you just carry on without the fear of what people are going to say.
I'll give you small example - an inanne but guess you could see what I am trying to say. I have decided to grow my hair and it has grown long in fact very long. My hair is light brown with blonde hilights. I decided to tie a pony tail - not one of those full types(which all tie ) and tie it all collected to the back of my head in line with where my ears are from each side. All the other hair is left open and as I do not like to blow dry or comb my hair - I just let the rest dry on its own giving it a wild blown look. Now when I go aout - I get looks (the ladies love it and the guys hate it!!) from a lot of people because it is not something most people would not venture out to do - especially in this country. I have not had one person say a thing to me and the ones who look - well, I just ignore them. Till date not a peep out of anyone. This is my problem and not theirs - so why should their opinion count. I am living for my family and freinds and nothing else matters. I know it seems a very stupid explanation but think it over.

Coming to Ananth - The Immortal - now - I am really sorry that I relly have not been posting anyhting over the last two three days as I am really not sure as to what happened. I went into a series of panic attacks - which would just not subside and that in turn created hell with my diet and medication as anything I poured into my peg - would not go in unless I used the pump and injected it in. I was a misery till this afternoon and really tried pulling myself together. I got feelings that I wont talk about in this post and trust me they scared me. As I have decided never to ever enter a doctors office ever again - I just took things going from bad to worse.I truly dont know how I managed to pull myself out of the attacks with would be really so realistic but am feeling "almost" back to normal.

The first thing I did when I felt I could handle the keybord as I was shivering like being left out in the Siberia in a pair of Bemaudas was to go through all the posts and I will also add my two bits to all the ones I have missed. Well, I just guess it a part of the deal one makes with life and as the song by Kenny Rogers (The Gambler)- one should know when to ride your luck and know when to pack. I leave the rest for you all to figure out.

With lots and lots of love to everyone, another lot hugs to all - then the smooches to the all the lovely women in my life ( thay are all here now and I am glad and so is my wife!!). Now that I am back look out for more posts.

PS - I love the "Banana" post and wait for my take on the same.

Hey You!
I dunno... When they say this is a roller coaster ride they weren't wrong were they?
One minute you're on top of the world with your 'what will be, will be' & then your rock bottom and having panic atacks. Poor hun! I knew it would have to come out in eventualy though. You can't fool us! Pretending everythings ok and you're coping when ACTUALY thats not the case!
It IS ok to feel low. & It's ok to be afraid of whats to come. & don't kick yourself for it!
Just see each emotion and feeling for what it is and remember that it doesn't last forever! When you're happy you WILL feel sad again. & when you're sad you WILL turn a corner and be happy again.
There's nothing permenant except change!
*bug Hugz*
Michelle

Glad you're feeling a bit better Ananth. You are still an inspiration. If I was in your position I wouldn't cope as well. Hats off to you.

Rob was so brave it humbled me anath.I often wondered if he really was as brave as he seemed or if like you he had times of paralysing fear of what would happen to him.
The one thing he couldnt afford to do was turn his back on the medics.So we just changed
the type of doctor he saw.
Palliative care doctors are a breed unique and in my book deserve recognition for care above and beyond the call of duty as they treat the whole mind and body rather than just seeing you as a walking tumour.You will need help at sometime anath so try not to be too cynical.

chin up sweetie
love liz

As the old story goes :

A man asked a party of people "What can make you happy when you are sad, and also make you sad when you are happy"

It seemed that nobody knew the answer, until a little boy came forward and handed the man a piece of paper, on which was written

"THIS TOO, IN TIME, WILL PASS"

Hi my sweetheart Michelle,
Life is a roller coaster not juts for you and I but everyone in this wide world. We all face some problems and I'd lay a bet noone is really happy with how things are going on in their lives. In my case, trust me - the attacks were not because I was worried of the unknown ( as I had already experienced a sensation earlier) but more to do with my wife and sons. I know my wife is more then adept in looking after my work in the family business as anyone else and then it is her ultimate responsibility. Though the boys are intelligent, I have an intution that they have not matured as much as I would have expected them to. This is what was scaring the hell out of me ( and of course, the chances of India loosing to Ausrtrlia in the ongoing matches!!)

I know its tough to explain or you to really figure out my mind set. I am not scared of saying Hi to the Almighty or the devil - as it may turn out. In fact I will welcome the day when I do leave this existence as it would have ment I have served my punishment ( if one believes in it ) or accomplished what I was kept alive for. I have never been scared and that I can say without any doubts.
One feels scared for others who are directly connected with you and trust me there are a number of people who are and I am worried about their state when things begin to happen.

My life has been full of risks and adventure and when goes in for this kind of a life one is always a step away from stepping into a dark hole or hitting the mother lode. I have always managed to take my risks and come out on top. When I got the cancer - I never expected to live and getting these past seven years itself is a bonus. I do not think I was ever cancer free and its just that it has decided its high time I began my fight again - but this time he is going to be dissapointed as I do not plan to put up a fight.
You are totally correct when you say nothing is permanent except change. Keeping the same in viewthe change will be there but then I will return and I truly hope I return as the same Ananth that I am.
I have not been a very nice person during my professional days and had no qualms about treading on anyones toes or hiring or firing people and if you ask me to do that today, I cannot. I look back and wonder as to why was I playing God to all these people? We have the answer now - dont we?
But, my sweetheatr, what about your news - I have not been able to go through all the posts and I hope ( its has to be, with my blessings!). Do keep posting - I love the sympathy!!
With all my love,
Ananth.

Dear Hagg,
I cannot figure out one thing with friends I have here - what can go wrong? Each one of you is special and jointly undefeatable. I am truly glad to be a part of the gang and hope I will continue for some time to come.
Lots of love and big bear hug.
Ananth

Dearest Cookie,
Rob has been a fighter as to even survive the ordeal of what he has been through needs one to have a lot of will power and strength and a lot of faith in the family and friends. I am sure Rob was never short of that. As I mentioned to Michelle - the panic attacks actually do narrow down to the legacy one is leaving behind and what will happend to your partner and other kin when you are not around. Its not becaues one is scared.
Cookey, I got some great doctors and I can say without any doubts they are some of the best in the world. I honestly do not need any kind of palliative care as that comes into play when one is in need of counselling and in pain. I have no need for either and so I guess - life will just have to continue till I can no longer drive my car or ride my bike or take my boys out for a fun evening.
Thanks for your support I am not happy saying that as Thanks is a word that does not exist between friends.
So take care, sweetheart and tons and tons of love,
Ananth

Dear Winnie,
You post really makes sense as I have no words to reply to the same but just to say I agree. I came in to this world crying and with the world laughing and I want to leave laughing and the world criing.
As you said " This too, in time, will pass"
Lots and lots of love and a big hug,
Ananth

Hi Ananth,

Hope you're not planning on going anywhere too soon as it would be really good to watch some cricket in India with you. Robert has searched high and low for a fellow 'cricket nut' so don't go disappearing now he's found a soul mate.

Lorraine

Hey Ananth
That sympathy you like getting ~ is that because of the cricket results?????????
Love
Deborah

Dearest Lorraine and Deborah,

Did you girls actually think I was going off anywhere? As long as there are women and Cricket in this world - its going to be pretty tough to get rid of me!! I still get a lot of "thooose" looks when I go out (only by the ladies and a few of the other sex too!). However, if they only knew!!
I tried putting some snaps into the album which you can check out - not really very clear as they were clicked by my either my son or my wifes phone camera - but will give you a fair idea of how I look these days. ( How does that song go by that nut - "my shirt is too sexy, my pant is too sexy..... ). Well- thats just a thought and no harm in dreaming right?

The Aussies are really asking for it and by winning the last match was the last straw. They dont realise how a cat plays with a mouse and once in a while the mouse gets away - but its normally the cat who comes up on top ( except in Tom and Jerry cartoons!).

Though I have made up my mind to keep the doctors away and in any case cannot eat the apple, I have not stopped my workouts or my daily running. It has not affected that so far. Lets see how much longer I can sustain it but its never tough to sustain something that one enjoys doing.

I really wish - everyone here could make a group and come over to India for a break. It would be great and it would also give a chance to the Indian doctors to see what the difference in treatments are. Most importantly - no cricket matches - but a nice visit to the palaces of Rajasthan( Where Hurly burly got married!) and of course the Taj Mahal. Delhi of course has its own history and line Rome - the city is also built on seven old cities. I think you all will love it and I do not think you will all have to worry about your diets as everthing is available and in plenty. Think it over and publicize it.
So, hasta luego y com todo min amor,
Ananth