I'm not as sick as others, so why complain..so they say. I am depressed, meds don't work for depression..so why not be happy? I can't be. I am a negative whining loser with a horrible attitude inside. Externally I am bright, friendly all around good guy. I don't want any feedback if you don't mind. I am not committing or contemplating suicide. I just cannot wait for my life to be over. If legal euthanasia were avaiable, I'd seek out the mercy givers. I'm sick of advice. I'm sick of cancer (oh, shut up, Pete, people are sicker than you);(my internal voice). My wife treats me fantastic; she loves me and is the day to my night. She has her own medical dilemmas. And I feel so guilty that I don't want to carry on with life, that I want to go to sleep and dream or not dream forever. Have a nice day, ya'll. Oh, God Bless you, too. (don't wanna foregt the holy baloney routine, do I?

HI Pete, Yes I willl reply to your message.
I have been there many times for similar reasons.
I too would opt out if I could do it painlessly.
I am a coward (read "coward gets Cancer too") and would not commit suicide.

Yes I think to myself they think it 2.5 years now since my operation he should be out looking for a job !!!
Depresion is an awful thing although I say I am not depressed just "fed up" of my situation and the on going side effects like MANY others who come on this site.
Why would anyone one their right mind want to go on when they have been through what we have been through I ask myself.
You can have the best Family and partner in the world but this does not stop you thinking it is Cancer it's a lonely illness

Paul

Just Pete, Can't help but wonder----Why did you post this then, Vicki Lynn

Me thinks he posted because he is angry at the Cancer!
I may be wrong!! :banghead:

Paul

Angry at cancer!!!

Paul I think we can both understand what 'Justpete' is going through,been through!

I think a lot of people still link cancer with fatal consequences!Suicide and depression are major factors with cancer and I still play with both on a daily basis!

I've recently done voluntary work at a local hospice ( cancer ) my own mother thought I was been admitted!!

Every-one needs to deal with cancer in their own way! Some people tend to try and ignore it, which is like how many relatives deal with cancer!

Vicki-Lynn I thought you'd be able to understand 'Justpete' it's not a cry for help! It's like many of my postings on this site,I do it 'cos I want to and I feel better for it! Sometimes I've been known to give out useful advice too!!!!

Oh believe me I do understand. 100%. However, give us a chance to reply, lol....I think we have all been standing right in that same spot more than once,,,,,I sure have. Vicki Lynn

Hello Pete--Ishbel here. You didn't say if Black Dog was sitting on your shoulders all the time or just now and again. If it's just ocassional then accept that you are feeling depressed and really wallow in it. One of the few good things about this horrible cancer business is that we are allowed to indulge ourselves in a way that we wouldn't dare if we had arthritis or something which is equally painful I'm told and very very suicide-inducing. I actually saw the nice man who delivers my groceies in tears when he got back into the van the other day because of the pain in his knees and he didn't know I was looking.
It was a dilemma really. Not have him deliver any more and put his small family business even more in the doldrums....I talked to his wife about it and she said if he lost my custom it would be the last straw.
I don't kow how you should deal with your depression really. Your wife sounds lovely but is she maybe TOO soft with you and lets you get away with murdewr. But then you say you are cheerful on the outside. That is so like me. And if I moan and groan about not being able to enjoy my food, or talk without getting tired they just wait for the mood to pass.
If you are really serious about the worthlessness of life, or your part of it, perhaps s[peak to the Samaritans? Trouble there is they just let you warble on but don't give advice.
Well, I hpe you are feeling better now. Just a little. Eh! Sorry I couldn't be more help. Best regards Ishbel

I am sorry for a deliberaterly provocative letter. I know better, but I engaged in the classic scheme of acting so obnoxiously ill-mannered that what can nice people do but reply nicely. In truth I don't want a kick in the pants. I was picking a safe forum to let out a side of me that I rarely let out to the world.

Yet I do let it out on my wife and I feel cowardly about it. She tries so hard to convince me that life is good, that she does understand, that she will always be there, and that she loves me. I know this , yet I deliberately act horrible. I am destroying my life, my career, and my marriage. It is almost as if I keep pushing myself to the point that I will become so disgusted with myself that I can finally rationalize the excuse to end it all.

I don't want to;... I want to live!! Another truth is the narcotics I take ( I don't all the time..I did the past two weeks for having all my teeth removed, and I will resume on July 8th when I have my fifth oral resection. (But I'm still good looking (smile)..I really am normal looking.

I want friends. You can be on the other side of the earth. I seek genuine people that just want to be friend and supportive. I am paranoid enough, but not enough to keep afraid of the internet. I am peterjheron@msn.com. I need to know more how to be a friend than have a friend because oddly most people rate me as a super, decent, outgoing person. I am..on the outside. But I need real friends I can drop my phoney 'nice' guy routine. Of course I'm a good guy..I just get tired of being the good guy all the time. That's one reason I wrote that obnoxious, self-pitying letter earlier.

I'm still medicated. But I mean it this time. "Hi, everyone" and God Bless us all. (though I am not superduper religous. Bye now.

HI Pete, I am so glad you found the "courage" to say what you wanted.
Listen mate its ok to say what YOU want on here (I think so, well I do)I have posted many times and all
I get is positive responses from some WONDERFUL people who have been there done that ect.
If yo want to chat feel free to contact me I have been there and keeping it to yourself and putting on a brave face only deepens your fears and troubles belive me I go there often.
I am honest and just expect the same and maybe we can chat and you will see that many on here go through the same things.
All I can say is let it ALL out the way YOU feel comfortable with and you will feel alot better for it.
I am sure you will get many replies of help.

Paul

Hello Pete
The only people we have lambasted here are those who write and tell us there is a miracle cure if we click on the so called helpful link they have given us for internet cancer remedies of herbs and vitamins that cure everything etc etc.
It is lousy having this diagnosis. I was diagnosed on the anniversary of my father's death. But I can never forget my cancer date because of that.

So it has not been a good week mentally for me, but the face I showed to the world this week has been a bit like yours. Outwardly I have been out smiling meeting old friends saying I'm fine when they enquire. I've been out and about shopping for clothes until I drop. All this whilst relatives I suspect are fed up of hearing about my needing to hide the treated area from the sun(because I feel like I am in frying pan), the taste problems and my needing fluid.... You know the drill - we are out shopping and relative just wants a snack like sandwiches from Marks which if I could, I would love to have and which she could eat on the hoof. For me, probably like you, that's impossible as I have to go to a cafe and sit down as I need about 3 cups of tea to slowly get a muffin down without fear of choking!


Like you I want to move on and I do on many days and then like everyone here I slip back and have a bad week or panic and imagine every scenario going. So just say what you feel here as we know some days are frankly ******. We all know the fear at the back of our minds whether we look the same more or less as before, or different. We want life to be like it was before. Well I know I do, but I know it can't ever really be quite the same.
You mention depression - about 30 years ago I had anti depressants for reactive depression. They did work - took about 6 months though to work that first time, and on three other occasions later I thought I might be on the verge of depression again and went to the docs before it got too bad. Mostly just one month or so of treatment was sufficient if the depression had not been allowed to ferment out of control. Strangely I have never felt the need for them in past 10 years, so hope it stays that way.

Just wondering if you have tried modern anti depressants. It is not surprising you feel so low if you are on your fifth surgery. Repeated surgery can gnaw at you mentally and physically.
By narcotics do you mean morphine? Heck most of us here have had that and you know like we do, it was for genuine pain. Physical pain is depressing. Nothing is more agonising than bone and dental type pain. It sounds as if you have got into a pattern that you are almost expecting everything to go wrong because of the illness. Stop this destructive action by taking action that is not destructive.

We all create our own experience in spite of external factors. Only you can know what exactly you do or say at work or at home or how you respond to your thoughts in varying situations. Visualise the days when you were in control of life, love and work and despite the illness try to regain some of that former control. You are half way there with a wife that loves and cares about being with you. There are other ways to work in sales such as selling over the internet. I do this - so could you if you have the passion to make it work. Altering your thought pattern may or may not help. Just try one day at a time. Ask yourself how necessary is it to keep repeating the destructive pattern that you know could eventually destroy everything, because you have told yourself it is already destroyed.

Forgive me for attempting to advise you when I am not you and cannot be you, or see inside your head.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: PaulineT,

Pauline , All I can say is what a heart felt message and it was a joy to read if I can put it that way!
You certainly have a way with words.

It helped me to as I am not the only one who thinks like I do

all the best

Paul

Paul noone knows the turmoil inside us except ourselves. To know others have this in spite of cheerful outward appearance makes the rest of us feel we are less alone.

In my diary I say when I had radiotherapy and the MRI etc I repeated the words calm, calm,calm to myself.

I still have to do that sometimes and it does help me. Pete is right that the outward public us is often different to the inner us. But Pete can see his reaction to this illness and I believe because of this he can go a long way "some days" to being like he was before, especially if he knows that some days he can say on here today I'm frightened by all this and fed up of it.

This is definitely one thing I would prefer to have not been there done that!

Good day people.

Like many others I did wonder about Pete's initial posting. With the usual feminine insight my wife said that it was a message to provoke a response - as usual she was proved to be correct.

With my (so far) reasonably easy passage I don't feel anywhere near qualified to comment regarding Pete's "Black Dog". I leave it to people like you Pauline and you Paul who have been through the mill, and indeed are still coping with with your ongoing problems.

I only hope that Pete has drawn some support from the comments you've all given, and I really hope he keeps us advised, he may well be able to give us new insights.

Hello all. I firsr wrote in 2004, after my teeth were extracted so doctors could keep a better visual on my mouth tissues.
What a doozy of a letter. Today I barely recognized myself as the author.
Things have improved. But my wife left me shortly after the first letter. No hard feelings; I wish her well.
Not 'till today did I read all the warm responses. Thank you. In 2006 I received dentures that are worn for cosmetic purposes only. Last week some In Situ showed again, but this is fairly normal. As for my life, I live on a small income, yet am comfortable. I have a pleasant apartment and a reliable old car. Life is still up/down, but nowhere as depressing as 2004. I have come to feel the pride we feel in simply being a survivor. And of course I dance and sing as often as possible - it being a promise I made to myself in '99 when first diagnosed. Well, truely, reading all your warm comments, even 2 1/2 years later, warmed my heart. Thank you so much. I love all you survivors, and all who support us.
Peter Heron
peterjheron@msn.com

Peter,

I hadn't read your post until today, as I only joined this message board a few months ago. I feel that we can all empathise with your need at the time to just 'let it all out'. I hope being able to tell someone how you were feeling deep down helped. I just think it's a shame when there was so much support for you that you didn't read the responses.

I'm glad your life is going well, I think there are times when we apprecioate the small pleasures of life more because of what we have been throuigh, and the fears we have faced. You say you have some In Situ showing again, and this is fairly normal, have you had this before, or is this a new challenge you are facing?

Now that you have come back to this message board, do keep in touch. So many people here have conquered so much, and they are all herre to help you deal with the day to day challenges resulting from this form of cancer.

Jenni Joy