... like they're living a bit of a half life?
Tonight was my first night out in 8 months. There was a big group of us from work. & everyone was asking me CONSTANTLY how i was.
I felt like i wasn't quite with them.
I feel a bit lost. What world am i living in? I'm not sick anymore, but i'm not like them either. I'm not sure where i fit. All night i've had people patting me on the back sayin well done and i don't feel i deserve it. I went along for the ride. I'd love to wipe the slate clean and move on. So any ideas on how would be great! Just when you think you've got it together! *lol*

Hi Michelle
At first only me and my wife went out together ,it took a while to go out in a group as all they wanted to talk about was the the treatment how well your doing ,how brave

after a while that stopped and things returned to normal whatever normal is

this time i have been unable to go out as im only 3 weeks out of rt

but will eventually manage to socialise again

im thinking of retiring this time from work and spending more time with my family and grandaughter

things do imprve the more you go out but i know exactly how you feel

Dave and Sue

Chelle,

Your friends just need a little time to get used to what you have been through. They are trying to show that they care about you with their concern & comments. After a while they'll just start taking you for granted again, and then you'll want to remind them to be easy on you as you have had a really tough time. I'm sure it was a similar experience when you went back to work - I know my boss kept telling me how well I looked when I first went back to work.
When I first started going out, I went to listen to live music at a local pub. This was very much a 'listening' experience as I couldn't raise my voice to hold a conversation over the music. I would quiz my husband on the way home for details of all the conversations he had had with our friends. It was a lot longer before I was able to go out in a group and hold a conversation.
The great thing is that you feel well enough to go out with your friends, keep it up and they'll soon get over it.

Thanks guys! I know it's just because they all care.
There was one guy sitting opposite me, i picked up my glass using 2 hands - cuz of the nerve damage i like to make sure i definately have it *lol* - he said "have you always used 2 hands?: Or has it just been since...." & then he stopped himself. I smiled and said "..what? since i became 'special needs'" & we all laughed. He really didnt understand what R/.T & chemo was. So i was in long conversations trying to explain
Oh well!

Michelle

First of all, can I just tell you that you are a very special lady. Your friends respect you for what you have been through and how well you have come out the other end. I don’t know what you were like before but your illness certainly hasn’t dampened any ardour that you have for life, the empathy for others, or your courage. Secondly, they want to share in the victory you have won by surviving and thirdly don’t ever feel you don’t deserve it because you deserve every last drop of admiration there is in the world.

So, I am afraid you will just have to get used to being special but it wont last, so just enjoy it whilst you can.

Angie

Dear Michelle,
Its very normal for friends who you catch up with after a gap to ask you how you are and give you that feeling of being extra special. I think that they are right in giving you the "being special" treatment as you are one and all of them realise it.
About being normal - I dont think anyone is really normal. Each one of us have our own kinks which we look on being ok - but seems something not so normal to others. Dont that bit worry you.
And once again, thank you.
Ananth

Thanks guys!
Angie you should stop before i get a big head
It is great to see people genuinely do care. And there are some nice people out there!
Guess i should just make the most of the attention before it becomes yesterdays news! *lol
Thanks again!

Hi Chelle
Yes, I experienced that too for a while - but you said this was your first proper night out, the more you go out with your friends the more they will realise you are so much better and stop being so protective. Just smile politely and say you're feeling much better - then change the subject! If you keep doing that they will soon get the message that you don't want to talk about it.Turn the focus back to shared interests - TV, workstuff, whatever you used to talk about before. Before long you'll just be Chelle again and not "Chelle who had cancer". Hang in there - things will improve !

Was never a big socialiser before to be honest.I rarely drink alcohol now and tbh I feel better for it.My social life revolves around sport and I travel a lot with my son watching it.

Whilst I do not get any real pleasure from eating food anymore due to taste I am trying lots of different foods to try and recapture the sensation.Thanks to Pauline T for getting me started on the road to recovery re eating.

I read a lot more and will travel more with Lorraine (my wife) in the future.Also I will resume my final year of my degree in Sept.

My main prioirity is to enjoy life a lot more with my family

This may sound crazy but I feel better within myself.Its almost like I have detoxed.

Hi Chelle, I read you posting with interest.
What do you mean by "not sick anymore but do not feel like them?
I got lots of visitors inthe earlydays but now very rarely and I gues its like any illness in the end your on your own to cope and pick upthe pieces and make of it what you can.

Paul

Hi Michelle
I'm sure your freinds mean well and are genuinely concerned, given time their "behaviour" will return to normal again.
What would be your ideal night out ?
Kate

Dear Chelle
as you have probably noticed 90%of Robs social life revolved around being one of the lads down the pub.It has been the hardest thing for him to lose that side of his life even temporarily.A few weeks ago we were invited to our sister inlaws 50th birthday and also to a friends 70th birthday on the same night.We talked about it and decided that rather than face all his mates and school friends ,it might be easier to go to the 70th birthday.What a mistake we made.After an hour of pitying glances,being patted on the back and the head,being talked over stared at and whispered about Rob got up and walked out.When we got home he cried.No matter how hard we try we cant stop the people who meet him looking shocked and embarressed and some even avoiding him.Cancer is a word that frightens people,and when it touches one so close to their everyday life they dont seem to be abe to handle it .There are also those who wont stop talking about it and that really gets Rob down.Still we must be grateful that he survived and i know in a few months when he has regained his weight and his voice it will all go back to normal.

Love Liz

Hi
Thats an achievment just going out
Well done
Dave and Sue

Hi Chelle,

Well many friends have told you how ordinary is your experience. No we do not like to be different and we do not like to be treated like an exhibit in a Zoo. Friends and family will seriously want to know how you are and give encouragement, that is natural, but then we must move on.

I used to excuse my voice now I do not bother if those I am comversing with don't understand me I don't mind repeating until they get the gist, some folk pick up my "frequency" quickly others never do.

We have nothing to apologise for of course and I am so far along post surgery that no one now takes the blind bit of notice of my stoma or voice. I cannot converse in loud environs and tend to avoid such locations, but if there is a dance or a quieter corner that's fine. Life goes on and you will be a novelty for a while, folk are unsure how to handle you, when they appreciate you have not changed they will revert to style as well!!!!!

Good Luck, Alan

Thank you everyone for their responses.
Robert, i didn't go out to get drunk or anything either. I can't drink wine because of the acidity, spirits are far too harsh. So i had just a couple of bottles of beer. I ate saute mushrooms (gave away the garlic bread) & sea food chowder (so i didn't have to explain why i eat with a spoon ) It was more about getting out of my shell. I wanted to have a dance!

Paul, what i meant by not being sick but not being one of them was, while i was going through treatment i had a reason to sit on the sidelines you know? A reason to go home early or not to dance. I could fit into a bracket. But while i'm not unwell anymore, i'm not like the rest of them who could just go about without having to first check the menu to see if there's anything i could manage. Hold a glass with 2 hands because of my numb fingures. Go outside every 15 minutes because of the cigarette smoke clawing my throat. Spend 15 minutes in the toilet trying to do up my jeans - again because of the numb fiongures i get soooo frustrated & that makes it worse. I guess i meant like i feel i'm in limbo. Not stuck at home anymore, but yet not quite "out there" yet.

Kathleen my IDEAL night out would be good food, good company, a bit of a dance with my closest friends and partner! Can't wait til then! But every week things are a little closer to getting there!

Liz, it's really amazing how differently people react! My mum just wanted to fix it, my nan did everything to help me. My partner - GREAT at physical stuff (running around sorting things) but AWFUL at the emotional stuff. One day, shortly after my 2nd cycle of chemo it all hit me. I lost my thermometer. That was IT! All the emotion i'd been holding on to came flooding out over a thermometer! Like Rob, constantly talking about it gets me down to. I guess it will be old news soon though!

& Alan, once again thankyou for your inspiration!

Thanks guys! If i can't say how i feel here then where else can i vent?!
Michelle

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