Hello to everyone. I am new to this website and I joined with hopes that someone would be able to help me out. My boyfriend of 7 years whom I absolutely love and adore has been chewing tobacco for about 2 years now. It started off as just being an occasional dip every now and then, then to once every few days, to one/day and now he's at two/day. I will be graduating from nursing school in May and I am completely terrified that he is going to get mouth cancer or some other form of cancer. I have talked to him numerous times about how passionate I am about him quitting- even to the point where I am sobbing and begging for him to quit (it truly means more than anything in this world to me-because he means the world to me). It however doesn't matter to him how I feel. He tells me that he will quit when he wants to quit but that he is not ready to do so. He also says that he isn't addicted, which I am pretty sure that he is. This is what scares me- he has increased his daily use in such a short amount of time, that I really do not see any signs of him wanting to quit anytime soon.

Because I am soon to be a future nurse, I fear the worse case scenario- death. If there is anyway to prevent death from happening to my friends, family and loved ones- then I am going to do all that I can do to prevent it. This is however, a situation in where I feel powerlessness and extremely hopeless. I want nothing more than to marry my boyfriend and live a long, healthy and happy life with him. I want to grow old with him and see our great grandchildren be born. For some reason, because of his "addiction" with tobacco- I don't see the "long" part in our future. I have tried sending him information on how to quit and also about the risk factors with chewing tobacco. None of this seems to phase him. I am at the end of my rope here- to the point where I am starting to resent him for it because I feel he is being selfish and doesn't want the same things in life as I do.

My question- what do I do to help someone who doesn't want to be helped? I am tired of arguing with him about it and I have cried all of the tears that I want to cry. Any and all suggestions, tips, information, etc. would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks to all of you.

Hi NurseDawn08. I know it must be difficult but dont be too hard on your boyfriend. I used to be a very heavy smoker. After diagnosis I had upper jaw and palate removal, 6 weeks of radiotherapy, reconstructive surgery and 6 weeks of hyperbaric oxygen therapy and 2 years of counselling. It still took me 6 years after that to give up smoking.
My family went through hell but I just couldn't kick it and I felt so guilty. One day I just decided to stop while I was at work so I threw my fag out of the van window and that was that. Never smoked since. I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't do it to upset you but it can be the hardest of habits to break. When and if he wants to give up he will but I dont think you will be able to do much to speed the process up. Good luck anyway. All the best, Hagg.

Hagg, don't forget to type in American to our friends across the pond. Throwing your fag out of the window would be an unkind experience in the states.

Oops, lucky I didn't write fag butt then . Cheers Angie and I appologise to all american fags .

Hey Angiebaby

Some of us Americans speak English and understood what Hagg meant.

Boy!!! Am I lucky as we Indians speak both Yankee as well as Brit (Her Majesty The Queens) English.

Hello Dawn ,interseting post about your boyfriend .In my experience as an x smoker of 10 years is, there is nothing you can do here .The more you nag the more he will want one ,then.... he will do it on the fly in all sorts of weird places ,lol.
In truth is,it is one addiction that a person has to be in the right state of mind to say No I am quitting and that is that .

It is an addiction that stays with people for a long time ,even after they have stopped .There have been times when I have been so stressed and upset with my husbands condition I have looked at the packets in shop shelves and thought God I could just have 1 !!! but know that would end up being a packet and so forth ,a bit like an alcaholic .It is a hard one and the person has to stop because they want to and not to please anybody else .

This is the first time in years I have counted how long it has been since I last had a wee ciggy and found not to count how long and not to look at packets in shops best plan .I am proud of myself for being able to stop and in begining did all the hypnotherapy ,lazer light, patches etc etc and nothing worked .Finally I thought enough is enough and just said NO .I think it is easier now because smoking is now not allowed in social places like restaurants and pubs etc so you are not tempted by the smell and body language of other people lighting up .

Think you may need to rethink this boyfriend as it could take some time before he conquers this and during this period will get very bad tempered !!.

Hope he listens to you .
Best wishes Bell.

*lol @ Ange n Hagg*

But do you know what Dawn? There's absolutely nothing you can say to stop your fella chewing because if it was as easy as stringing together the right words then we'd all be able to get our loved ones to quit!
My mum & step dad quit when i was over my cancer... My dad & step mum, my sister, my partner all still smoke. Though respect my need to not have it around me.
It's natural to want to help and protect the ones we care about most. But we really cant!I know people with lung cancer that smoked until their dying breath!
I guess you just have to hope he'll not be another statistic.

If you goggle 'how to get someone to stop smoking' you'll get 5,270,000 hits, including "How to get 'Quit Smoking' People to Back off." You can't make anyone quit a habit or addiction, whether smoking, chewing or drinking; he must quit for himself, not for you or anyone else. This is basic addiction/AA stuff and there's tons of literature and programs for this, almost an over-kill in this country.

I've been where he is and found that weeping, quit-smoking do-gooders were an annoyance rather than helpful. Intellectually I knew they were right, but the addiction won every time. Just like the teenager who can never get pregnant, I didn't believe that I would ever have a smoking related disease - maybe a little labored breathing that might prevent running marathons, but I could handle that, right? Who wants to run marathons anyway? You've done what you can do: arguing, crying, lecturing, etc., to no avail. Your drama, although heartfelt, only pushes him away and promotes further resentment.

If you can, enroll in an addiction class or seminar to explain some of this. You're in a perfect position to have access to these programs - take advantage of them.

You're sweet and young and filled with hope for the future. I sound harsh but I think you need a wake-up call as much as he does. He's the love of your life and might be killing himself. Tell him that you need a break; 3 months, 6 months, whatever, to determine whether you want to share your life and his disease with him. Perhaps your leaving will be the trigger that makes him want to quit; if not, you've made part of the break and may have to plan your life without him.

Please take care and be good to yourself.

On the other side of the coin, so to speak, my wife saw what I went through and is a day manager in a hospice and smokes quite a lot.
I would rather she gave up but I dont hassle her and if she ever gets the "C" we will have to deal with it. I could never leave her just because she smokes. The time we have together means so much to me that it's a chance I'm willing to take. Hagg.

Hi NurseDawn, sorry for being flippant earlier. However, I have to say stop worrying and stop nagging, it will only serve to push your boyfriend away, he knows just as well as you do how bad it is for him, you will just make him resentful and deceitful. We know his habit may make is chances of contracting cancer higher but he could also get knocked down by a truck tomorrow. You can’t spend you life worrying about what might happen. My husband never smoked a cigarette or chewed tobacco in his life but ended up with a Stage IV cancer of the tongue.

So stop worrying, dry your eyes and put on some makeup. Your boyfriend needs to look forward to seeing you and spending time with you instead of dreading what you are going to say next – and be happy.

Julia, sorry I forgot many of our members are fluent in English, American, Australian, Irish and Scottish. I wonder how many people like me read postings from people in their native accent?

Hi Nurse Dawn,, That sounds so cool
I have been battling for years to give up like Hagg.
I went the last time from Nov 07 March 08 but struggling again to stop,When I get problems not everyday but problems I tend to reach for a cig .
I feel guilty but what can I do.

Paul(fag)

Good Evening Dawn
In your original posting you told us that your boyfriend had said he would give up chewing when he wanted to. This is the crux of the matter , he will never be able to give up the tobacco habit until he wants to. It is an addiction and needs a lot of willpower to overcome; he did not make that statement to spite you he was in fact being honest. I was a fifty a day man until twenty seven years ago then I quit for health reasons ( not cancer this time that one came twenty three years later)and please believe me it was not easy.
When I was in hospital after having a substantial proportion of my lower jaw removed,left arm encased in a protective foam sleeve and held up in a frame,fifty bright metal staples holding my head on and a dozen drips and drains sprouting from every where they could find to attach one it occured to me that if it was possible that there could be an upside to this it was that my wife and two daughters would look at what mouth cancer can do to a person, and quit smoking. I really felt that if they did quit because of my situation my discomfort would at least have served some useful purpose. I told all three of them this and all three of them carried right on smoking. Yes Dawn, it hurts when your good advice and wishes seem to be ignored. I don't know the answer, I wish I did.Threats and ultimatums don't work.
He knows your position on this so try to live with it and hope that he comes round to accepting your wishes and good advice.
Keep smiling
John

Hi Angie

Like your husband, I was never a smoker (although I did grow up in a smoking household; mom finally quit when she was 50) but I ended up with stage 2. Even my doctor said I shouldn't have had it, but there you are. I used to joke that because my particular cancer usually hits older men who smoke, drink, et c., that some guy out there was going to get my breast cancer. I've stopped saying that because I've met that guy--he's one of the practitioners at the dental clinic I've just started using.