Hi to all and especially Dr.Joshi and his wife who would be a bit preturbed and disturbed my this post. Its been four long years since I last actually stepped into a hospital as I had decided and made it clear that I was not to be taken to any such - whatever the circumstances. So far things have worked just fine and anyone who meets or talks to me does not even believe that I had cancer. A lot of people are scared to even mention the word cancer and prefer calling it the "C".Though I have nothing against anyone calling the cancer whatever they want - it will always remain the same. Lets face facts we all (supposedly survivors - the samurai, the heros, the immortals, etc.)human and cancer just does not go away. There is no surety about it not resurfacing or lie domat for years to come.I am one such person who has survived the ravages of cancer and that is not because I am a "fighter" or a "Samurai", an "Immortal" and am certainly not God who can cure anyone by just touching them. My name may suggest that I am immortal as thats what my name means in Hindi - but I can say with honesty that I am not so under any circumstances. It has been seven long years as of today (my anniversary with cancer)since my cancer was confirmed to be so and also the day when my "war" against cancer began. I have looked for answers and have never managed to find any. Everyone I meet or want to talk about it brush it off saying that as long as I am alive - what was my problem. Yes - I have a problem.

When diagnosed with Cancer - I used to imagine myself in one of those movies where the hero dies to to cancer and the whole world cries and thats the end. Unfortunately in my case, I just refuse to die and I have no anwsers as to why I have been kept alive, why have been made to stay alive and yet go though hell, staying alive after the battering my body has taken. The doctors on more then four occasions had given their verdicts for the various surgeries that I would not survive - but to their and everyone else - there I was and not just was but also ready to work out to get my body back in shape(read Ananths story). Getting back into shape did and never ment building my bisceps or becoming a stud but just prepare my self for the next sugery. I really think I have missed the point here and have gone off the track and to get back to it -

Its has been seven long years since I contracted Cancer of the larynx -considered to be a "lucky" cancer as it spreads very slowly. Lucky??? If I was lucky why did I get the cancer in the first instance. Anyway my so called fight began and I really do not think anyone could have taken the kind of battering my body has taken.

I constantly keep a facade of being happy and even justify why I got the cancer. However, if you delve deeper the only word I can use is that I was and am shattered. I refuse to let the world see this side of me and this is the first time I am actually writing this down as I for the first time, when I look back, have hit rock bottom. The cancer though has remained quiet, the aftermath of the first four years of contacting it has left behind my hell. The cancer left behind a hole in my throat for breathing and a tube in my stomach for eating.

I have always been a man who was proud of himself and had an ego that nothing would really please me. I was a self made man. I love (or rather used)to wear designer clothes, use the best of cell phones. Just name the place or thing one would like to buy - I would have it in no time at all........

But as said the cancer left behind such scars that I have been shattered and there is nothing that anyone can even think of helping me.Its an impossible task and each day I wake up with the hope that today would be my last day on this earth - but it never seems to happen. I have not eaten a solid meal or even had a sip of water orally over the last seven years and all my nourishment comes from the various concotions my wife and mother make fro me. I then come to my throat - where I have this stupid thing called a Stoma through which I breathe. I had an option of loosing my voice totally and eating when I was explained about the cancer but I had a complete mid set about having a voice rather then anything else. Withen a few days of my radiation and chemo getting over I found that I had a fistula connecting my air and food passage. If not rectified there were no chances of survival. Rgarding the talking though I would be able to by blocking off the stoma when I wanted to say something. Its reached a stage today where I have no voice at all an no way I can eat solids or that elusive sip of water.

I am used by various cancer groups as an inspirtaion and living upto that facade of being happy all the time has finally hit rock bottom. Nothing in life mattters to me anymore - material things, friends, family (except my two sons). I do not strive to reach out and get the best of clothing, cells or cars etc. All my wants have just gone up in smoke and instead what I strive for is ultimate peace and pray everyday that it be my last.I have stopped my workouts and even have refused to take possesion of the new Hayabusa bike - a gift from the Company as I have just lost interest. I rarely venture out but give a lot of counselling on the net, which is being the biggest hypocrite. However, I just feel that if someone can be helped - it was my moral duty to try and get that person back on track. As I mentioned I get a lot of mails from people who actually think I am the Almighty and can cure anything ( thats Indian mentality for you!!). I do try my best to accomodate all these people to the best of my abilities which again I feel are restriced due to my "scars".

Dr. Joshi can vouch for me that I always looked happy and full of life when we met on his last trip to India as I have never ever let my guard down. Dropping ones guard is for the sissies and not the "tough" guys like me. Even my family and friends do not know to what extent I am stattered and guess they will once they read this post. They will be long lectures and even a lot of talks about how the boys need a father etc.Yes, my sons mean the world to me and there is noone else who matters to me more and guess I have mantained this facade only because of them. I will never let them no as to what me real feelings are. However, I now feel that both my sons have grown and are very independent though still young. I have ensured they will lack nothing when I am not there and I also have their promise that they will both be a force to be recokned with and live life the way I have - with no regrets.I know for certain that thier futures are are already been decided and I do say think as my sense on intution is (without bragging)is very, very good and most of what I feel will happen not just now but even in the later stages of life usually come true. I do not know if its a gift or a curse.

I long to eat one solid meal through my mouth, I long to have a long cold bottle of beer to wash it down - but then if wishes were pigs, pigs would fly. I know that day will never come.
As regards to my voice, hard as I tried to save it, I lost out and found myself without a chance of eating ever again and neither talking. I was and am a dead man walking and for what, I have no ideas. Consoling me has no bearing as there are no solutions and I am already 49 with not too many years left to experiment on some dramatic surgeries. I am living a nightmare and cannot even show my feelings or let anyone even get an idea of what they are. As I said with this post, I gather a lot will get to know. I have never ever cried and I trust me I have never let anyone - even my wife, mother or kids even see a tear drop falling from my eyes.

It was only on the 21st. of April 2007 evening that my despair surfaced. I still managed to control myself though my heart told me to let go. Yesterday was the day when I was alone at home - the feelings of despair surfaced in the worst form ever. I say the worst form because I really cannot compare the feeling with anything else. I just broke down and cried and cried. It was not justifying anything - as to why, how I got the cancer - but why was a left with a life that was worthless and worse then having died. I cried my way with all my thoughts of everything I have done in my life and I just could imagine I was the same person I used to be before the cancer struck. Travelling around the world, working like there was no tomorrow - everthing gone in an instant.

There is one consolation though, that I managed to create what I call my "Orator" and object in silicon which enables me to talk as normally as anyone else. I have my bad days but usually the Orator works like a dream. I really wish I could show it to all of you who could use it and will sell them to you at a grand amount of a dollar at the very most. I never leave home with out my orator and my stoma etc. well protected. This is one positive that came around due to the cancer but that is it. I just cannot put on that brave act anymore. I want people to know that I have feelings as bad as any of them. I even want to tell the TV channels who have done stories on me and scream that all that is shown is a front for something which I refued the world to see. The problem still continues - I have to act the brave man, the macho, the immortal and to some extent even a make believe God( or the people who are completely illetrate and look around to find some inspiration and hope). Even so, after my breakdown yesterday, I will never be the same ever again. My only wish is that I pass away and if possible in a peaceful manner. I hope I have repayed for all the bad I must have done. I know I have a stepped on a whole lot of toes and feelings without any remorse. I am sorry to each one of them and hope they are all leading a happy life. I want to apologise to my wife for all the heartbreaks I gave her, I want to apologise to my mother, who at his age stood by my side and held my hand and finally all my friends who spent sleepless nights and days and were always at my beck and call even at the cost of their businesses and work, the doctors for having done so much for me and I know it will seem a bit odd - but to the Company I worked for Mercedes Benz who have given me so much love and affection and as it is said once a part of the family - one will always remain so.

Though I am posting this long crazy message, let me assure each one of you that what I put down were my feelings that had to be released in some way and in no manner conclude that I am planning to kick the bucket. I will die only when the time comes and imagine I will find my answers during this course of time.

All the above may have depressed you to an extent - but please never ever sympathise or feel sorry for me. I will try and snap out of this stupid feeling with a little more serious thinking and when I do I am sure I will post a joke and also ensure I have a nice tub of ice cream - chocolate and coffee - whipped and poured down my peg. So my dear friends and all those who are reading this post - "Cheers to Life" after all it we who are alive , in whatever condition which is far better then what a lot of "normal" people are. I respect each one of you and immaterial of ones beliefs - all are equal in terms of being human.

So till my next post - a bye to all and may you all get well really fast.

Tons of love to each,
Ananth
ananthshenoy@email.com

I am struggling to deal with my mother's cancer so Lord only knows how you brave souls deal with your own problems and set-backs on a daily basis.

I am in total awe of you all.

((Ananth))

Ananth,

This is the right forum for letting out your feelings. If you can't talk to us who can you? Nobody here will judge you for the way you feel, because we all have bad days and better days, I just hope that tommorrow is a better day, and you feel able to cope.

We all need to vent our feelings. Sometimes I am fed up of being "brave". I have 2 people who I feel that I can cry infront. Neither of them are family or are even particularly close to me. I think this may be why I can let go- it's good for me. I may only cry for a few seconds but it is enough to release the pressure. Fortunately they don't seem to mind!
Any way keep brave and keep smiling!
Anne

There's no shame in having a cry! It's the ultimate release for me!
I wouldn't patronise you Ananth, by saying i know how you feel. But your story is really remarkably amazing! You've suffered more than i could imagine.
I do hope you have a better day and find your peace - where ever it may lie. You've earnt it.
Michelle

Annanth

I have been moved very much by your openess.Whether you like it or not you are an inspiratiion to many people.Perhaps as you try to come to terms with the suit of cards that life has dealt you you can feel proud of yourself.Nothing I say will make it easier for you but you need to accept that you have a purpose on this board and elsewhere in your day to day life.One day you will be rewarded for giving so much to others.

I love our chats on cricket.your passion is infectious and your pride in your country comes across very clear.Its a pity they did not perform this time but they will be back at the top soon enough

I do not know if you are sharing you current emotions with your family or friends but my advice is to do this as they will no doubt be totally supportive.

Wishing you all the best

Robert

Dear Winnie, I like that name as my ma in law and you share the same and i share a great rappot with her. I truly thank you for your kind words and am sure just giving all those suffering from the ravages of Cancer, a quiet thought is more then enough to get a lot of those going through this pain a little better.

Take care,
Ananth

quote:

Originally posted by Winnie:
I am struggling to deal with my mother's cancer so Lord only knows how you brave souls deal with your own problems and set-backs on a daily basis.

I am in total awe of you all.

((Ananth))

To all you wonderful folks,

I am really touched with your kind words and though the problems will always prevail, it has made the burden a bit easier. The biggest problem is coming from an army family where I was taught that men never cry or show emotions. I did try and live upto all that was taught to me - but what happened had to one day. I am not ashamed of my break down and am glad it is over and done with.I am back with the facade of playing the happy go lucky guy who does not have a care in the world. I will continue to help out as many people as I can as like each one of you, I too understand what is pain. I have taken so much pain that even the doctors are amazed. My body has been opend up so many times that I have forgotten as to how many. My stomach area looks like a battle field with no place left for any more scars.

So Robert, it seems the Aussies will take the world cup after all but thats just for this tournament. I am sure India will rise like the phoenix once again and prove themselves of being one of the best sides in the world once again. I guess I really wont have to take anyone into confidence as most of my family and friends do get into this site and read all the posts and besides my guard is once again up and well firewalled. Yes Robert - even though I studied and lived abroad almost all my life, I am proud of my country and for what its worth - the people. Some of us are lucky that we have the luxury to vent our feelings but we are just a drop in the ocean. Just thinking about the millions who cannot even afford one solid meal in a day and are living on the edge and have no where to turn to is what I term as courage.

I really do not know what I can say to Jennie,Anne and Chelle. Each of you have been wonderful and if there is ever an opportunity that I could lend any of you'll a shoulder - you have a friend.

As the saying goes " May the force be with you" and God bless each one of you. It will be great if you all would post your feelings at times as what I understood from your replies is that all the problems that lie so heavily on ones shoulders cease to become as heavy and are light enough to carry on with a life - a life just reserved for my two sons - Varun and Arjun.

Thank you all once again
Love,
Ananth

Ananth,
It's good to see that all though your troubles are still with you that a little of the preassure may be have been eased.
Even though the Doctors can tell us a little about how we are physicaly they cannot begin to imagine the emotional side of cancer. Depression tapped me on shoulder after treatment finnished. Perhaps yours has been a delayed reaction?
You wouldn't be human if you din't feel a little cheated by the life cancer has left you with.
I know i get frustrated with my situation - and yet i feel instantly selfish when i think of you.
You REALLY are inspiring. Even if you don't feel it yourself.
Again, i do hope you eventualy find some resolve & peace.
All the best,
Michelle

Hi Ananth

We havn't corresponded before but I was very inspired by your story and disturbed by your previous posting.

There is no shame in letting your feelings show and I am so sorry that to hear how upset you are. Be assured that you are of great value and we need to keep you up there to show the rest of us what is possible to achieve.

I do admire your tenacity, stay strong, we need
you!

Love and best wishes

Angie

Hello Ananth

Sonya and you were great guides during my brief visit to New Delhi. You are around for many reasons, and being our guide was just one of them!


'The Immortal', Mrs J and Sonya
in front of India Gate

Best wishes
Vinod (actually it's been raining in Jakarta!)

Ananth,

I couldn't begin to know what you felt until I read your post. I had assumed (per your deliberations) that you were coping well and giving good counsel to all - including me.

I had no idea that you could not eat or drink for example, I contribute to 3 support sites similar to this so I am not shocked because I know of numerous other cases worldwide, but I made an assumption - dangerous thing to do.

I like my food and was eating solids against doctors advice 7 days after my laryngectomy, I did it because I could and did not know I couldn't. On my last day before discharge 7 days after my op and 7 hours after my barium meal to confirm healing and no leaks from the eosophagus I downed the best part of a roast chicken dinner, the nurses scolded me as I had been told to eat gruel, but I was starving and didn't know any better. I still eat too much my friends say. I still have my stoma and my voice is gruff such that I sometimes scare strangers on the phone, but kids love me and clamour to see my "hole". Compared to you Ananth I have been for a walk in the park, I am so fortunate, three years prior to my cancer I required a triple heart by pass and again was out of hospital within 7 days but not back to work for 6 months whereas after my cancer I was back to work after 3 months.

I will have been a lary for 12 years on the 8th of May 2007 in a weeks time and I cannot get life insurance; but my wife is physically less mobile and fit than I because of emphysema and I have become her carer.

I like life - enough to accept what I am and suffer such inconveniences as it brings to me, I don't know what I would be like in your circumstances. I hated with a passion being fed introveniously and it took me a good 18 months to get my full sense of taste back and another 18 months to learn to draw air in through my nose to have the pleasure of a sense of smell again.

Right now I am looking out at a clear blue sky, with the trees in their first burst of leaf that brilliant and delicate green which lasts only hours, the fruit blossom is abundant and it is so good to be here, alive. We are all a long time dead Ananth and we shall meet after that event in a better and purer form than we know and experience today. But until then we can enjoy the limitations of this existance as best we can, easier for me than for you regretably and I wish we could share a meal for example.

Continue Ananth to inspire me and know that your worth is appreciated by me and countless others on this site. Thankyou for your honesty it will be a comfort to a great many more than I. Alan

Dear Alan and everyone who just kept my spirits up and rising,
I really do not think any one of us have suffered more or less. Each one of us have our own hell and for that matter our own heavens right now on this earth. It is only eyond this existence does it become one for all - and hopefully its heaven for all!! .

The breakdown I really do feel made a major difference as it was seven years of pain and frustration that had to emerge sometime and what I am even happier is that the breakdown came at a time when there was noone around to see me in that state or console me. At least it gave me a chance to think on all that I have missed out on in the last seven years and realise that I really have not lost anything. I still have so many people who care and love me, and all your messages have really made me realise that there is so much love still alive.What more can anyone else ask for? All put together it just makes one stronger and it has certainly done that for me. I am back to being my crazy old self and thanks to all your mails I have started hitting the gym once again and finally took out my bike. I start giving Spanish classes to Corporations from May day and all the earnings from the same will be used for the cancer patients.
There will be a time when we will all meet in a purer form as Alan said - and a place devoid of any pain or unhappiness. Till such time comes around, each one of us has an obligation to not just help each other in any way we can but help all those who have no way to vent their feelings. One word said to another out of sincere love is all it takes to help the other overcome a lot of obstacles - and once again thank you to each one of you for getting me back on my feet this fast. I did not want anyone to see me in that state as I was in on the 22nd. of this month and especially both my sons.
So anyone here in rdoc wanting to learn Spanish or go biking with me is most welcome( I wont even charge for the lessons!! )
Lets not break the bond that exisits between us all and if we manage that I think we can overcome any pain or suffering that we may be going or will go through.
Love you all,
Ananth

It is great to see you so positive and your old self once more Ananth, may you continue to know God's Grace and through all your friends here His infinite love too: for you have so much to offer to so many. God sustains us and will not allow us to be burdened beyond our threshhold all we need do is ask for help, even if we do not realsise that is what we are doing. That help will never be denied. Glad to have you back Ananth love you too!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks a ton Alan. Its really a great relief to know that there are so many people one can depend upon when one is in the dire need of some emotional help. The main issue with "our" problem is that though people sympathise, they really have no idea of what it is to go through the trauma and pain. When people see me or meet me - they dont even believe that I cannot eat or drink orally and have been on a peg feed for the last seven years. One can see how shocked they are on getting to know but that still does not register in them the amount of pain, stress and depression we have all been through. Its only when one has experienced it - is it possible to actually help out one another and hoestly I think this is the right place and am midst the most wonderful people.
By the way - I went dragging Sunday morning and really took my bike to the limit. I was such a feeling that I cannot describe. My treating doctor was there to see how we all drag on chosen days as we all drag very early ( he had never been to a drag race )in the morning. It is obviously against the law but at that time in the morning there is no traffic and no cops and we drag for a maximum of an hour or more. My doctor was a bit shaken up after my race and is still to get over the shock . He has decided that I am crazy, but as long as I am enjoying my life he saw no harm in all the crazy things I keep springing on him and the other doctors.

Well my dear friends - am off to do a bit of shopping and so will catch up with you all later tonight.

Once again - love you all,

Ananth