Please can I have some comments. I'm suddenly feeling so lost and confused. I am scheduled to go back to work in early September but don't feel ready. I am still not feeling well all the time, still on the tube and still taking pain medications.I need the money and I'm feeling pressure to come back by the bosses to keep my job open to me. I'm also afraid to go back to working with toddlers ( I'm the lead toddler teacher at a community college) I always seem to getr what they get and it and always starts in the throat. My ear, nose and throat doc says my throat will be even more sensitive now that it's all messed up from the radiation. I'm working with vocational rehabilitation programs here,but they say, even if I am retrained, it will be hard for me to find a job that pays well, has benifits and is part time. I do make a good salary as I've been there for 10 yeqars and it's almost impossible to find a job here in the states that's part time with benefits. Plus I have Lupus and one of the triggers for lupus is stress and catching a virus and of course my job puts me in a vulnerable position. I'm a bit overwhelmed, still can't seen to gain any weight(at 95pounds). I almost feel I should be on an antidepressant but hate to add any more drugs to my list( and they all cause more dry mouth).Just feel overwhelmed. Wish I could just relax and be sick for a while while I recover and make these important decisions. Help, advise, comments, please.

Oh Laurel - poor you. You seem to be going through it worse than me - if I remember rightly your treatment was befor mine (march -April). Just to reassure you, I was hoping to go back in September but dont feel ready I am hoping my employer will support me in this as my job has been made redundant but I will get my previous job back (for less money). I know I am not looking forward to feeding myself through a tube at work but I am hoping that it will come out soon as I am eating more and more.

Sorry I can't be of much help but I do sympathize. Sending you a big hug

Love Chloex

Thank you so much. Somedays I just feel so positive. Then on other days I just feel hopeless and depressed. And I don't see myself as being a depressed person before I got cancer so I'm pretty sure it's the cancer. But a hug felt good. Thanks.

I really sympathise with you Laurel. I dont think you should go back to work before you are ready to. I feel sure you will know yourself when you are ready. Go and talk to your doctor and tell him how you feel. It is unfair of your employer to put you under this added stress. I do know it will all work out in the end, things usually do. Keep thinking positive Laurel you have come so far already. Hang on in there, sending a cyber hug to you

Mum
xxxxx

Whoa whoa whoaaaa there girl...
Now, you need to take this as one of those bad days. A low time in this roller coaster ride of cancer. & even though you despair right now, think about a few days ago when you were eating your blueberry yoghurt and getting your taste buds back... and a few weeks before that when you thought you'd never enjoy food again!
You're getting there girl, slowly but surely. One step at a time!
September may be too soon for you... Or it may get here and you'll feel ready to dip your toe in. Maybe you could put it back a little. Or try going in for just a few hours and see how you feel.
For me, getting back to work was the best thing i could have done! I was having anxiety attacks and my confidence was so low. I started just doing 3 hours, for a week or 2, then 4, then after about 6weeks or so iwas back full time!
You're immune system will get there too. I was on and off anti-biotics for all sorts! & my mouth was a terrible state with ulcers.
You will slowly build up your stregnth again.
It's quite normal to feel lost and to lose your way after you've been fighting for so long.
Take it from someone who knows...
You're doing ok Laurel! Don't panick, take each day at a time. And do what feels right for you.
some more cyber hugs coming your way

Thank you , thank you, thank you! Chelle, Purple kitten, and Mum. Your comments and support feel so good to me. I will follow the advice (a mixture of all) to talk to my doctors and then to my bosses to see if they can give me a slower start. And Chelle, your right about my happy days of eating yogurt: I know they'll be back again. But it's true this disease does send a person on a pretty dangerous, scary roller coaster ride and none of us chose to get on. I was in a cancer support group here in Bellingham that just didn't work for me. Yet here I am on line with people all over the world and I feel so supported!!!

Hang in there Laurel. It does get really tough at times but it's peaks and troughs and you'll soon reach another peak.
I was like Chelle and found that work really helped. Ease yourself in if poss and see how you go. Hagg.

I watched my mum ebb and flow from feeling fantastic, to feeling vulnerable, afraid, no confidence to do the smallest thing, wobbly on her feet.

If I was to sum it up, it would be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back all the time. It's not a steady progression.

She is doing absolutely marvelously now and is just awaiting her new "gnashers" as she calls them (teeth to you and me) and she will be "all fixed" as she says.

It is so desperately hard, but hang in there.

Laurel,

I understand the anxiety and feel for you. I am working between the surgery and starting the radiation and chemo, and have days where I'm sore, tired and really don't want to deal with either work or the looks I get. I also understand that the income is important, as does not wanting to put your job in jeopardy. It can seem overwhelming. If you consider what you have already been through, something that most people can't understand, then in perspective, returning to work is not as big an obstacle. I agree with Chelle that starting part time is a great option. Your employers will see that you are working with them; you can generate some income and also ease your way back into work at a pace you feel comfortable with. My original plan was to work through the entire process, but I can already see (thanks in great part to this site) that the side effects make that a little unrealistic. Keep the faith and remember that feeling overwhelmed is something you have already overcome many times during this process. You got this far because you are a strong person; and you will make it through the next phase as well. I know we have never talked before; but from reading your postings I know that you are strong enough to overcome whatever life throws at you. I just hope I can deal with this as well as you!


Thanks
Mike

Laurel

I am sure everyone's positive comments have helped. All I can do is echo the general sentiment that we all have our good and bad days and it's never a straightforward I'm getting better now so everyday will be better than the last. If only it were that simple. I still find it difficult to cope when i feel i'm sinking back. You just have to do whatever you need to get through and know that the better days are still comming.


It is terribly difficult so much of what we have to do deal with is in the head, in some respects that's harder than any of the physical aspects. But keep plugging away and don't give up.

Every time I check my new messages I am overwhelmed by such lovely supportive people. Dragonrb, thanks for recocnizing the strenth in me. It's amazing how much you can tell about a person without seeing them. I can tell that you are also a strong, compassionate person and I know you'll do well. Winnie, glad your mom is doing so well. Did she lose her teeth because of the dry mouth? Ian, Yes, it IS hard and we can keep plugging. Together, we'll do even better. Cancer forses one to get strong. And I also think it opens up your heart to other people and the hardships they go through.