Dearest ladies,

I would like to pose a question as silly as it may seem but a reply will be very welcome. Would the really intimate girlfriends as man has had ( the selected ones) and have not spoken or met for the last 25 odd years - remember ME with nostaligia? Or is it that once you are out of their lives it over and done with with no feeling from the girls side even though the sepertaion was smooth and circumstantional.
Just to put into perspective if you were my very special girlfriend about 30 years ago, but then got married forcibly due to parents pressure ann moved moved to another country but had a final affair before leaving each other - would you think of me often?

I know this sounds whacky but had to ask, as I have so much time on my hands right now that all is settled and done with and its just a matter of countdown - this got me thinking as I, do very often- not just now but even in my precancer days - would try and imagine how life would have been if I had settled down with one of them.


Lots of love, xxx and hugs,
Ananth

It would seem this board has become your very own psychologist!
I think it's interesting the way you say you have 'no regrets' but pose so many 'what-ifs' in your threads.... You say you dont regret any part of your life - but ask yourself what if you'd lived it another way...
If i were your girlfriend 30 years ago...
Hmm...
Well i'd be minus 16 years old so thats a physical impossibility!!

Hi Michelle,

BABY!!!!!

Lots of love , warm hugs and smoooch.
Ananth

Dear Michelle,,
Further to my post above - I agree with you that I have regrets ( I would not go so far to call them regrets) as far as some the past,but which turned around to be just fine. Its just the mind wandering .......what if this had happened or what would be the situation now if things had gone the way I planned the same.

The question, however,was not about regrets or what would have happened but a look into a womans mind. Would all the girls - more so the very special ones think of me as in the way I think of them - what if......? Do old flames come into a womans mind however long ago you were going around together and loved (not infatuated) each other but had to part ways due to parents pressure. In India the Man always expects his wife to be virgin, which I find very hypocrite, as if a man has a license to go around sleeping with women - why not the woman? A lot of marraiges are broken because of this clause and the only reason why a man would marry - would be because of the "dowry" or the money he would get to marry the girl. Again even this part of giving or buying the groom can fall flat if the groom or his family feel it is not enough what they have received, they would even walk out just before the marraige begins. The girl is normally then treated as an outcast and noone will marry her - unless of course she is either living with the mordern outlooks or has money and the man who is keen the same.However, if the girls family cannot fulfill the grooms demands the wedding just gets called off - leaving the man to choose another girls but leaving the one at the alter an out cast.

However, that was not my question. I just want to know does a woman still think with nostalgia about her love for a particular person even if they have been seperated for 25 years or for that matter even if the two have stopped meeting or talking to one another not due to any fights or anything but each one to save his/her marraige. Do women think like a man?

Love,
Ananth

It's obviously time to share my story...... my wonderful hubby and I have been married for a little over 4 years now. We are 56 and 54 yrs old and were high school sweethearts....... my first love... we met when we were 14 and 16...... way too young to last.. and just not the right time.... we saw each other off and on for the next several years, last being together shortly after Marty's duty in Vietnam........ we each married others, had sons as well as very unhappy relationships....... we had never stopped thinking of each other... always asking old mutual friends of each others whereabouts.... until.... Aug 23, 2001.... when Marty "found" me on the internet through the "Classmates" site and sent me an email that changed our lives forever. True, he was divorced at the time and true also that I was in a marriage where my husband and I had had separate bedrooms for the prior ten years!.... Such a practical gal I am.. so when I responded to Marty's email and subsequently left my miserable marriage, many were quite astounded! Keeping in mind this all occurred in the midst of our horrific 9/11 attack with nothing but "life is too short" on my mind. There is no doubt in our minds and hearts that our coming together after 30 plus years was indeed God's plan. How many people are blessed with such an amazing rekindling with their soul mate?.. sadly too few........ I'm sure I've not answered your question Ananth.. but was urged to tell our story after reading your latest post. Or, maybe I did.. as yes, indeed ... I never ever forgot my first love and am happier now than I have ever been but still am uncertain if you are looking for validation in regards to your love life (which I am certain would be difficult for many women to accept) but did want you to know that, yes.... true love will no doubt endure as many years as it takes!........... to answer your final question.... nope... we do not think like men.... after all... isn't that what attracts you to us???........
Hugs..........
Nancy

Dear Nancy,
You are very close to answering my question. The reason why say close is that your dream which could not be fulfilled at a point was realised somewhere in the future. It became the truth.
I think the question needs a little repharsing. I (for example only!!)have had so many girlfriends, some in the true sense of the word, some small flings, others by the way and so on. I am talking about the girls in the true sense, who I really loved and was loved equally as much - however we were seperated by circumstances. Do you think, they remember me and think of the good times we had and feel something (like sad ) that things ended when we really wanted to be together? Do you think, I often come into a ladies mind, who I loved and still do as she loved me after 25 years. Do you, as a woman, can ever get me out of your system and still think of me and wish we had never left each other of whatever reason? Would you spend money on a nation wide search to find out where he is and try and contact him?I think I have rephrased it as well as I could.I am really happy for you as your dreams turned into a fairy tale from a nightmare. A woman always thinks with her mind and then the heart - what the man thinks with, you ladies are already well aware and this will never change.
I want a answer to the main question - not the one about the men and women really thinking like each other.

Lots of love,xxx and hugs,
Ananth

Hi Ananth,
I was trawling through the posts and found this one from you, this is my first post.
40 years ago I fell in love with a man twice my age, circumstances prevented us being together and after 5 years we had to go our own ways. To answer your question, yes I think of him often and sometimes even dream of him.If I met him today all those old feelings would be back and I would melt but whether he would feel the same I don't know.I wouldn't want to change my life because I would not have had the 3 children I love now.
My philosophy is:- you can't go back you can only go forwards.
But I can still have fond memories that no one can steal from me,and I do.
Best Wishes to you
Nett

Dear Nett,
I think you have given me the perfect answer from a womans point of view and that hardly differs from a mans. I also understand that she is now somebody elses and I have no right to ruin his or her life (whatever the circumstances she was married to him by). I agree with you about not looking back as things will never change from what they were and are - but one can always think of what or how a person may have done had he or she married you rather then the other person.
When one thinks back , its full of nostalgia and one can dream up so many things of what a person would have done if this had happened or that had happened - but never did. Just as I would think would you too think in the same way. Do you ever think if you had married your flame -would your life have been happier? - not forgetting that now with three kids its not possible in reality. Do you often dream about what you would do and where you would have gone if you had him in your life?
Thanks a ton - try and give me an answer to this.
With lots of love and hugs,
Ananth

Dearest Ananth,
Yes I do ponder about how life would have been and yes I do think I would have been happier. However, I tend to think things work out for a reason. My marriage was terrible and the divorce even worse but through all the adversity I became a stronger person, so what appeared to be very negative actually was extremely positive. Now if I had stayed and married my 'flame' I don't think I would be the person I am now, I wouldn't have had to change.
I don't know if any of us is truly happy with the whole of our existence but most of the time I am inwardly content and that is good enough.
for me. I wish you contentment and peace. Nett
He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not, but rejoices in what he has.
-- Epictetus (55-135 AD) Greek Philosopher

Dear Nett,
I think you have given me the answer I was really looking for. We may or we do ponder on things that could have happened under other circumstances. The truth is that -it was never meant to be more then just a memory - some moments that remain with one forever.
Thanks a million,
Ananth

PS : no more of the beat questions!! The old Ananth is back - so watch out ladies - get ready for all those hugs and smooooches.

Hi Ananth,

Sit down, you are going to need too!

I consider you a great friend and I love you to bits -but- bloody hell Ananth, what an arrogant sod you are!!!!

Please tell me why you need to think that "all" your ex's need to think of you with fond memories.
It sounds to me as if you are on a guilt trip and if the answer you want is good, well, you cant of be such a selfish sod after all.

It is human nature for people to look back and feel fondness for people they used to love. Come on, who ever has nice thoughts about the bad times, the hurt caused when a relationship finishes.
It's self preservation to forget them.

My x, in one of his self satisfied, arrogant, selfish, delusional moments, had the cheek to say, that, all of his x's still had feelings for him and any one of them would be willing to take him back at any time. He also got the proverbial kick up the hole too!

Why Ananth, when you obviously knew at some time, you would have to conform to tradition and make an arranged marriage, was it acceptable you to ask and receive a womans love, when at the end of the day, you knew you would leave them.

Don't give me the bull poo either that you explained and they accepted it.

So Ananth, consider yourself having been kicked up the hole. Admit to yourself that you have been and perhaps still are a selfish being!

Susie

Hello Suzie,

I have no answers to give you.
regards,
Ananth

This is for Ananth, Nett and Suzie especially but for all with whom my sentiments strike a chord or assists to face today,

I rediscovered my first love, about 5 years ago. We do not meet but correspond regularly. Maggie knows and accepts that it is no threat to our marriage. Liz also knows the deeper story which I will not publish here.

My point is that we seldom if ever fall out of love, having fallen in love - our love can be rejected or sacraficed, but believe me its effects are lifelong.

As Nett says we cannot go back we can only go forward, I do not regret my marriage but regret some of the decisions I made in living that marriage, I would do things better had I my time again, but there is absolutely no point dwelling upon our mistakes.

If I lose Maggie I cannot expect to go back to where I was with my first love, our relationship is altogether different today, probably better certainly better understood. She is no longer married but in a long term relationship which relationship I would not prejudice for I still love her too much.

I can influence the future but cannot change the past, and the past is what has moulded me and made me what I am; and I am what I am. I will continue to be at least friends with my first love into the future but beyond that I do not speculate.

As for my other girlfriends and there were not many, I recall them all with respect and hope that they had contented lives, for I can truly say that I am content with my life to date and aim to remain content into the future whatever it holds.

I did not read this post before for obvious reasons for it was not directed to a man, but it has now been expanded enough that I feel I can now add my observations.

Living today is as much of a challenge as any of us, particularly those on this board, can really face: looking back or wishing for the future does not help us one iota to live today.

May you all find the will and determination to survive today and receive the Grace to awaken tomorrow.

Your thankful friend, Alan xxxooo

Dear Alan,
That is what I exactly wanted to hear and nothing more. The question was for ladies as I felt they would be in a better position to reply - 'did they ever have memories of their first and if so how much?'.

You've given the right reply I really wanted to hear. I only replied to this post as it was you who posted it or else I would not have even bothered. I do not want lectures on moralities when its just a simple straight foward question and if that is dragged into the question - I decided to just leave it and let anyone think as they wanted to as each one is entitled to their opinion and there are no barriers to stop them.
Take care,
Ananth

I think the amount of time spent reflecting on the past is directly proportionate to how happy you are at the present.

I am in my third (and final) marriage.

Whenever I was unhappy or uncertain, I would spend time reflecting on the past and various relationships, whenever I was happy and content, I would not - and certainly would NEVER rock the boat trying to contact an old flame. What need is there for that if you are happy and content in the present ??