Hi everyone

Feeling a bit down to-day.Suppose it had to come eh? My mind is doing overtime thinking about the therapy & side effects. Can't believe I am going to be going through this.
Went to the doctors yesterday and I think it was the first time I actually said out loud how I was feeling inside, he suggested anti-depressants, but I don't want to go down that road.He wants to see me in 4wks.
I have been thinking should I have the treatment now (can you imagine me in 8wks time if I am feeling like this now!) but then I want to do my hogmannay gig infront of all my family and friends.
I don't know, my head is all over the place, and I find it hard to talk because everyone thinks I am doing fine getting on with everyday things. I feel like screaming sometimes. NO I AM NOT OK!

Sorry I know I am rambling on....
MOAN OVER

TRACEY

<< he suggested anti-depressants, but I don't want to go down that road. He wants to see me in 4wks.>>>

Take them if you are desperate, but avoid them if practical. They just add to the toxin overload. If you do need them, get them, but if you know this is just the trauma of the wobbles dealing with decisions hard to face try saying calm, calm, calm to yourself. At least the anti depressants are on offer which can in itself be a crutch.

Re Hogmanay - I think you should forget about next New Years Eve for now and concentrate on getting well. Recovery from this diagnosis and the resultant treatment is slow. So take it slow and easy. This is a time to be kind to yourself.

Believe me your family will just be happy to see you alive and in attendance at the new year let alone singing and holding the floor at a gig.

Are you in a position to record the songs you might sing then now? If so concentrate on doing that - it may take your mind off the treatment due.

I take it you have 6 weeks treatment ahead of you. Well take it from us with Xmas just 7 weeks away you may well be in bed at new year rather than singing so you must face this possibility now and if you are lucky enough to be someone who breezes through radiotherapy and there are many who do you will at least be able to attend the event. Think no further than the ability to get there. New Year would be the point I should think when you might feel at your roughest.

Maybe others will chip in here with their view of the timescale.

It's not just your voice that will be the problem in 8 weeks - you will feel slowed down generally from poor muscle usage and laying down in bed a lot. Expect to feel lethargic, sleepy frompain relief drugs and also probably not be eating well. In all you will feel that going out is the last thing you want to do.

But to be able to have the chance to do it December 2005 you need to do this radiotherapy now and to approach it in as positive a way as possible. tell yourslef you will beahealed by it however bad it makes you feel mid way. Think of it killing those stray cancer cells.

Without radiotherapy I would have died as my cancer was hidden. 6 months after rads I felt more alive than I had done in 10 years. I felt like I had my body back. I may still die from this some day, but I would have by now the way I felt then without treatment is all I can say.

<<<....I find it hard to talk because everyone thinks I am doing fine getting on with everyday things. I feel like screaming sometimes. NO I AM NOT OK! Sorry I know I am rambling on....
MOAN OVER >>>

You are right everyone will think you are fine now and also in 2 years time, because they cannot see inside your head or know all the doubts fears and often real physical discomfort. Most of us here have these same worries as you just see Paul's anguish in the letter topic above and he is a few years out of treatment.

I don�t mean to sound harsh Tracey. You are in my thoughts. You can get through this but you have to be realistic about the time scale and when things are better on your personal time scale than on say mine or someone else�s you can whoop with joy.

One final word younger people do generally recover more quickly than we who are over 50.

Thanx Pauline

As I said I was feeling a bit low, I have days like that. Other times I am neither up nor down.
Regarding the hogmanay gig, The tickets are already sold out, and it is just me and my band playing so there is no way I can cancel.
My treatment starts the 7th January,but I see the consultant on 6th Dec. for check up.

Speak to you soon
Tracey

Tracey, Reading your post brings back so many memories for me. No one can prepare you for this Tracey. We can all tell you our experiences but no one can do this for you. My heart is just breaking here. You are in a battle the fight of your life. Radiation is a mean and brutal thing to have done. There is no other way to put it. It is used to kill the cancer but it also kills everything in it's path. When I was told this I was like okay. Because this is something that there is just no way to explain. You know Tracey, I had even had the experience of watching my MOMA with CANCER. You would think that I would have got some clue. No not a one. I just could not get over the facts. The fact that this was happening to me. ME!!! The how's and why's appear. There is no answers Tracey. I will tell you this. If you don't listen to anything else, please listen to thig. Try as hard as you can, to enjoy your life right now. Make this Christmas one to remember. Take lots of pictures. I had a family portrait done. Also eat all your favorite foods now. They may never taste the same after radiation. I am not telling you these things to scare you. I am telling you these things because they are the truth. This is how it was for me, remember tho that everyone reacts differently to the treatments. I am telling you this because this is what I wish someone would have told me. My christmas's since CANCER are a lot different now. They have a brand new meaning as does my life. I don't take things for granted. I cherish all those little things that I once was too busy for. Once your treatment starts, your life as you know it right now is over. You will have a brand new life. I know that this will be hard to do but PROMISE me you will try. I know that you are terrified. You have every right to be. The fear of the unknown can and will do that to anyone. I will keep you in my prayers. And meanwhile you live your life right now like there is no tomorrow. Okay? Is it a DEAL? Thinking of you,,,Always Vicki Lynn

Vicki Lynn

Thanx for your words,someone who understands at last, I wish my friends and family could understand, I want to just go for it NOW :alert: do my gigs as best as I can NOW :alert: Just in case these are the last ones I do (can you understand that?)I know some can't, and somebody actually said to my face that I was being selfish! I just walked away from them I couldn't believe they said this. did they honestly think that I hadn't thought about it. MY GOD its on my mind 24hrs a day, but for now I have to think of ME, and I want to sing.
I have thought about the loss of income and how am I gonna manage with bills and the mortgage, I've thought about the guys in the band, the gigs I have to cancel, all the practical things.
Now I think it has just hit me, and I am thinking oh no this is actually happening, so from now till Jan 7th think of ME!!!
Am I being selfish - I don't think so

Best wishes & thanx for understanding
Tracey

I forgot to say, regarding the straight talking I want to know everything as blunt as possible, I don't want to be kept in the dark about anything.If I am going to feel a certain way, If I am going to have a mouth full of ulcers/blisters I want to know, I think it would be worse not knowing.
I have heard that the throat swells with ulcers and therefor swallowing is hard also food tastes dreadful, so I may lose weight. (my husband won't be pleased with that I have already lost 20lbs, and at the moment I have no appetite, I eat because I know I have to not because I want to.
So I appreciate you telling me how it is, as my family keep telling me """it won't be as bad as you think""" if only they knew. I think they are in denial at moment :banghead:

love Tracey

How are you feeling now Tracey?

The treatment is unpleasant, but it is something you can get through. I think you are a STRONG person and you can do this. Concentrate totally on yourself now and be selfish and ignore anyone who finds fault with your decisions.

I said this before - you will notice how unpleasant it is aftera few days, but as it happens gradually as the therapy builds slowly you kind of get used to it - I found my mouth ulcers actually healed even before treatment finished, but that problem was then replaced with another of coping with the burns pain and cope you will. You will be given pain killers like morphine and if not ask for and demand something like it. Don't keep that physical pain to yourself tell some medical authority about it.

The problem is that those who work in your music with you, have no real concept that radiotherapy is nastier when applied to some parts of the body than others. You are not selfish. They just do not comprehend that you are being prepared for a fight for your life. And this is just why Vicki is telling you eat that wonderful meal now becuse it is not the same for a long time after. 2 years on some days, some of my tastes are ok, many are not, but you learn to trade that off with being alive. Those of us who have been through it still find aspects of it hard to understand.
My oncologist told me the head area is the worst place to have rads, but even so you will be able to do this.

Do you have a specific date yet for this treatment. From what you say it does sound as if you will have the chance to have a normalish Christmas.

You can do this I know you can. One problem is that waiting to have it is a sort of constant reminder of mortality and is anxiety inducing in itself. I just know you will be ok.

What a difference having someone to talk to who actually understands. My trouble with eating is I just don't have the appetite, John keeps telling me to eat something, but the most I feel able to eat is a sandwich. The left hand side of my mouth is paralized and I find I bite my lip alot. I also take a long time to eat something as I do not have the saliva to help me swallow. I suppose this can only get worse as treatment continues.

Best wishes
Tracey

Right it sounds as if you are aware that you have no appetite. I agree then it is hard. My suggestion to you is fast shakes. Make banana milk shakes with half a carton of cream and milk and just drink it down in as best a gulp you can manage. Have several aday if nothing else works.

If you are able to - add a bulking product. I found that normal food was best. After my op I bought a huge can of best quality high grade protein powder expecting to be able to use it in milkshake as a calorie supplement. I hated the stuff it is disgusting how it makes the drink thick. £15 waste for me that was.

Otherwise little and often and food on teaplates so you are not overwhelmed.

But the fact is I know what you mean by no appetite. Just the thought of what is hapoening give you no appetite. I still get that now when I have an odd symptom that appears and frightens the life out of me.

Tracey I understand so well what you are going through, professionally. I had/have the same worries, but as a journalist, not a singer. Realising that I could no longer speak to people and charm great quotes from them because my voice might be on a croaky day or dry up altogether was deeply depressing.
Everybody knows their best po9nts, and in my case my voice was, if not my fortune, my most prized asset.
As yours is for singing, probably more so.
Well unless you feel REALLY bad at Hogmanay (fellow Scot so I know what it means especially when you are the entertainment ye Gods) I would sing with your band. Then if your voice can't take it don't be a martyr. Tell the audience that6 yo0 have a bad throat. They'll probably be so merry that somebody will grab the mike, give you a big sloppy kiss and offer you a drink from their flask which I'm sure you know how to pretend drink!
Don't forget though, as Pauline and the others will back me up on, the radiotherapy treatment still actually continues its course for about three months after the physical treatment is finished.
In my case that was when the tiredness set in.I just suddenly haD to go to bed at about 8. (Aren't these funny eights?) In which case your problem will have been solved for you and it might be a wisse idea to have somebody who could stand in for you aware so that you won't feel you've let the band down.
In my ownb case even if I had had an exclusive interview lined up with Condoleeza Rice I couldn't have cared less! Mind you we're talking five years ago and I don't think she was in the public eye so much then.
Good luck with the rest of the treatment. It varies so much from person to person. Which is what I like so much about this site. We can glean bits and pices from everyone which fit our own particular jig-saw.
Lots of everything nice. Ishbel

Ishbel

Thanx for your thoughts, I received my appointments the other day, It is all so real now!, Does that sound daft? I knew it was happening, but seeing all these date written down in black and white just hit me.
Well the voice is sounding great at the moment, although, my problem I have now is the left hand side of my mouth is paralized and my bottom lip doesn't move and I have developed a kind of lisp, but as my husband keeps telling me I am the only once who notices.
Between now and Hogmanay I have 7 gigs to do and after that who knows.

Back to the radiotherapy, how long would you say it took before you felt reasonably normal, or are you still waiting on that day! Have you managed to go back to your work, My last day of treatment is 24th Feb.

Love and best wishes
Tracey