Hi all,
As I said I would only post at times and especially when I felt about something strongly. Would anyone who has not had the cancer feel the actual pain that the person with cancer is going through or has been through.? Would these people realise he extent of beating the body takes with both the cancer and the medication playing havoc with one? Its nice to be a caregiver - but the caregiver however emotional will never ever feel the pain that the one she is looking after - and by pain - both physical and mental.

Life is a straight line - one is born, walks down that line passing various things along the path and finally he has finished his tenure in life and he passes away for someone else to come into this world (its purely a matter of thought). There is no alternative to this (as they say ashes to ashes - dust to dust) and there will never be for a long long time.

Once I have finished with this life -I for one would find it funny from wherever I am ,to see my loved ones moaning and groaning as to how they miss me and how life was with me and what would they do now and what life would have been like and on and on. I would expect them to carry on with their lives and stop harping on things that happened a long time back. Harping is something anyone can do - as I harp on my dads passing away - but that has not stopped me from living my own life and have never thought of him as to what he would be if as alive today except as I mentioned proud for some achievements by his kids. My mum was devasteted but that does not mean she keeps mourning and crying about her "poor Husband " and our'poor" dad all the time. But then we are all different - some thrive on self pity and want the world to sympathise their loss at every instance they get - which is almost all the time. They want the world to keep telling them on how sad life must be for them and how lonely they must be feeling. Why dont these people get something to do then give morose advise to people who are already hurt??

Yes all my loved ones will miss me for a short while but then I will become a fading memory and finally a topic hat would arise once in a while, but thats all. All these people who love me also realise that they did not face the cancer as I did or the others in a similar situation. It we we who went through hell and not them. By holding my hand - it hardly meant my pain was going through them. To feel it one has to experience it. Once the time has come and the path has finished - let the person go and dont keep living in the past and giving advise to other people as to how they should go about leading their torn lives.

I am aware I will recieve a lot of brickbats for this post as the truth always hurts.Telling other people who are going through the hell or have been through is a very personal issue. I may discuss the same with those who know what pain really is - but does not include all those ex caregivers who have become experts in adding to doctors advise and making out on life has been cruel to them !!. Dont they realise that life was cruel to the person who kicked he bucket and that to cruel with a lot of pain? In fact they should be glad that he/she has gone to a better place where there is no pain and just peace all around - I have been there and know it - take it or leave it. Why dont they let the departed make it as though they are at fault for how the caregivers are feeling today and especially if a certain amount of time has lapsed?

Well - I guess thats all I wanted to add and if anyone who has not been through the cancer pains - both in physical, mental and medication wise have actually felt the pain - do write in- it will make good reading.

Regards,
Ananth

Ananthnwher are you in Spain.
Going to Del soon Paul

Sorry...
I've bit my tongue long enough, and not had any input to these constant battles Ananth seems to think he's fighting with good people here.
Now, we are all entitled to our own opinions - thats the wonder of a CANCER SUPPORT FORUM. That we can ADVISE,SUPPORT & HELP eachother through our fears and pains.
Ananth, this is quite blatantly a dig at the carers and ex-carers and its unexceptable! How dare you!! Do you have any ide what its like to sit and watch the person you love most in the world suffering in front of you?? Whilst being completely helpless?! To see them wasting away, breaking your heart while they struggle with their own battle. When everyone around you cares only about the patient and forgets to ask how your coping?!!
You've become selfish and arrogant! & i think it's dispicable that you post these topics to wryle people. This is the most conceted post i've read from you - and thats saying something!
This notice board is for people to share experiences. Not to say "my pains bigger than yours".
Your physical pain and emotional state is awful Ananth. & we miss the fun and good advice.
If my cancer had killed me, Amir and my family would have the rest of their lives feeling devastated! I'm gone!
Liz, Angie, Debbie & Lorraine and all the other carers on here are worth their weight in gold. & as for you? who are you to say they dont know how it feels. They've as much right to help people as you or i do! & they give a whole other perspective on things.
Sorry - but you crossed the line.
& these posts disrespect Dr.Joshi & the good work of the Mouth Caner Foundation. This is NOT what its all about.
Selfish.

Thankyou Chelle

I am a carer and as you can see from my recent posts I am still desperately worried about my son. I write this with tears in my eyes. When I first found this forum I felt a bit of a fraud as I was a carer and not a sufferer. Then I was made to feel welcome here. This post from Ananth left me feeling I had no right after all to be here. I sat for two days holding my mothers hand 11 years ago while she passed away with non - hodgkins. Yes I did feel she had gone to a better place as Ananth put it. But as you said chelle we were left behind to suffer. When my son was diagnosed because a mothers love & instict is to protect her child I even had thoughts that if he went I would have to go to so that he wouldn't be afraid. As you can see from my recents post there is a blip going on at the moment and he has to have a bone scan. Tonight my son is out with his wife partying getting on with his life I am here in agony worrying about him. My pain I feel is real pain, it is absolutely agony. I wonder if it was Ananth's son who had the cancer would he feel no pain. To have cancer at such a young age like yourself and my son is torture for all involved. I never show my pain in front of my son either.

My love always to you chelle hope life is treating you kindly and you are remaining well,

Love from a mother in real pain. Who hope is welcome here as a caregiver altough not a sufferer

xxxxxxxxxxx

Mum,
your advice, support and experinces will in turn help someone else throught their struggle. My eyes were opened to how Amir must have been feeling from watching Liz'z experience. & i apreciate what he went through too now.
Ananth is being conceted and narrow minded.
I'm becoming tired of his constant 'big-ups' and self apraisal!
Everyones cancer is unique - if it wasn't there ouldbe a universal cure and no one would suffer or die.
You've got Dave, who has a second Head and Neck cancer completely unrelated to his first - not a recurrance but a new primary.You hve Trev with his unknown primary. There's Bill with his huge cancer that made surgery impossible yet has a tentative 'all clear' from chemo & rads. Susana, 25, non-smoker. Mel, 23. Me, 23, non-smoker with a cancer more likely to be seen in oriental men. Everyone has a story. We're all equal!!
& i wouldn't have survived MY cancer without Amir & my family caring for me!! I'd not hve taken meds or fed enough!
So Ananths pitiful attempt to raie his self importance over the pain and bravery of our wonderful carers is disgusting frankly!
His pain is worse than Alans??? Who bravely fights and holds together his Maggie. Is Ananths pain more intolerable than amazing Liz?? Who went back & loved Rob to his last breath despite him treating her wrongly?? Who bathed him and tended to his wounds & made his last weeks so special?! Angie had her heart broken while Bill shut her out. Sue who felt the brunt of Daves frustrations despite him loving her more than anything in the world.

Ananth doesn't have a clue or the emotional capability to acknowledge that other people may feel worse than he does. Because right now you are too wrapped up in your own journey to care.
Thats your entitlement.
As it is mine to be enraged my your ignorance!!

Chelle I agree with your comments we are all unique.I thought in my mind would come out of hospital healthy and fine! how disalousioned I was! I have been going through the Cancer with many biopsies on the way and bad times now even with my teeth but I dont or did not have a Carer or family to help me.
I did have a very good friend who died eventually of Cancer in Sept06 and he was divorced and his familY all died so I had to arrange his funeral ect and I had a battle just to get the money for the Funeral out of his bank where he had money and god only knows who got the rest.
My life long partner of 22 years died an agonising death on the 5 th Oct 06 and even through the Radiotheraphy in the early days I was looking after him too.When he went HIS family got everything because he went senile and would not make a will I was left with nothing not even my own possesions in his house and for years he said my famiyl will get nothing of house or money!.
I say this not for praise but to show people |I have been a Carer for many years whilst working then too and now I am alone and cant even get my dam shower fixed after waiting 33 days over xmas to get replacement, nobody here to help me when im low or in pain just have to get on with it and help others where I can.Even after all this pain I have felt and still do have no confidece now to get out and get me a life I think im just emotionally drained.



Paul

Dear All

This forum is about support and friendship and respect for all.

It is okay to ask difficult questions and encourage debate and discussion of topics that are often taboo but the discussion should be respectful of all here. We should ask ourselves if what we say is helpful. Chelle has pointed out that this is a support group.

We are not all the same but it is disrespectful to claim one's pain is greater than another. The fear and worries we all will experience at different times of our lives are all real to us. Opinions, however sincerely held, are only that and so should not displace the need for kindness and understanding of other's fears and worries. We will only be remembered by our loved ones and friends for our love of them for that is what they will miss, not our intellect or prowess in debate.

Everyone counts, and everyone is welcome here.

Best wishes
Vinod

I am very saddened to read Ananth's opinion of the carers. As a carer myself I don't know how I would have got through the past 16 months without the people on this board. I needed advice from both sufferers and carers at times when Robert was too ill to post himself. Although I wasn't the one with the cancer, I too have been to hell and back through all of this. I would like to thank everyone on here for just being there whenever needed and just for understanding. It is a shame that Ananth cannot understand my pain and need for support also.

Lorraine

To Dr Joshi

Amen!

To Ananth

I respect Chelle and if you have offended her you have upset many others here; me included. I do not condone hypocracy, but caring for someone who has problems, be that mental or physical is not easy and tests the degree of love we have for them. Grieving the loss of someone we have cared for with all our love regardless for how long has nothing to do about understanding their physical pain: how many of us can understand the torment in the mind of a schizophrenic? We care because we love and we grieve because we love.

We learn to carry on living when our grief has healed because we can then celebrate the life of those who have left us and the part we had been able to share with them.

There are professional care givers who do not love their patients but respect them but I would not expect them to grieve, for they could never do their jobs properly, but there are some professional care givers that do not have the vocation to be in that job, I have seen them all.

It would be beneficial Ananth if you could reflect on your post and consider your drivers, for it would be better to leave this life with your mind at peace and all your relationships healed.

Take care, Alan

Dear Everyone,

Take it as an oath on everything that I love - I am putting this down that it was most stupid of me to have posted this on the forum. I was impulsive and angry with myself and guess just vented my anger on everyone without thinking.

I love each one of you and am truly sorry that I have hust everyone sentiments so much. I have already written to Dr. Joshi and requested his forgiveness and hope you all will accept the same. I am more then sure, I am no longer the "Angry Old Man" anymore and will come back as the same crackpot I was and am!!

I truly do not know what came over me when I got so mad that I posted such a thing. Its only much later I realsied but by then it was too late to erase the same. I truly care for each one of you and guess thats one reason I went off my rocker here - in this forum. As they say - you only hurt the ones you love. Keeping this in mind I plead with each one of you to please accept my unconditional apologies for all the rubbish I posted which has hurt so many people. As I mentioned I have asked Dr. Joshi for apologies and if he could convince all of you how sorry and miserble I am feeling.

If you all do decide to forgive me - just send me a "smile" and I will get back with a smile to being the same Ananth I was earlier.

With lots of love ,
Ananth

PS : I leave Barcelona on the 16th. early morning for good - to get into Delhi on the 17th. as it Varun, my sons 18th. birthday and it is some kind of a miracle that I am still alive to see him turn into an adult.

Its not for me to accept your apology as it wasn't directed at me. Its for Liz, Angie, Debs, Lorraine, Mum, Alan and the other amazing carerson here.

It's clear you're frustrated and hurting. & i'm sure your on a rollar coaster ride of feelings. What you feel and believe today you may not feel tomorrow. When i went through treatment there were days i wanted to go to sleep and never wake up - and days when i was determined to kick some cancer butt.

But Ananth, you have to truly come to terms with what you have to come and reconcile with yourself. Find some inner peace. & not turn against others who are equaly as special and important as you.
You gain nothing from hurting others because you feel the unfairness of your situation.

Lets support eachother... and let us support you without you being on the attack...

I echo what Chelle has said. Ananth you need to find inner peace. I'm sure my wife suffered my illness as much as me. I would take on the illness again rather than my wife ever get it as I think it is easier to suffer the pain than watch a loved one suffer. Cancer is s**t however you experience it.

Thats more like it, safe journey,

Alan

Dear Liz,Angie, Deb, Lorraine, Mum and all the others.
I really mean it that it was a very stupid impulsive post on my side. I should have thought before posting anyhting like this - but guess the impulsiveness, for which I am known as "caprichoso" just built up and I went on to vent my anger here on this forum. I do realise how much everyone feels and wants the best for each other - I look at everyone who took care of me and wonder what would they have said if they read the post I had made.

However, I promise all of you'll that moment of inasnity, being capracious, being an idiot will never ever come around again. I have no other way to apologise but to keep repeating my sorrys' and your acceptance of the same. I wish I could come face to face with each one of you and ask for forgivenes personally. This is not just talk but directly from deep withen me.

I think all the years that have passed by here in Barcelona and everything coming to an end really got me angry with the cancer and for the first time after a long long time I wanted to ask - why me? I guess I was also thinking of India and how I would cope up there. The idea of leaving something and someone you love so much and know you will never ever see it or that person just played up and I took it out on all of you'll. I once again aplogise. Honestly -I felt miserable when I realised what I had done and wanted to erase the same but could not do so and hence I have to bear the consequences.

There is noone here who I have no regard for or love that person and could never ever hurt that someone ( which I did) who has given me so much support all this time. I am glad that I could make everyone a bit lighter by posting my "achivements" . Liz and Deb( apolgise again to the others) and Michelle- I have thrived on all your posts. I felt by making an ass of myself by bragging about my life would makes (as I said)others happy , it was great. When I asked you all to form a group and come to India I really meant it with all my heart as it would give us all an opportunity to meet each and get closer to all we just talk to via posts or pms. Again I chose India because it was the only country where most of you'll have not seen and those who have - have seen it in a very different manner. I still extend that invitation and with no doubts about my self, promise you all will be treated as royalty if you do decide on such a trip.

Mum too had a good thing to put down - which really took the anger out of me and brought me down to ground zero and - thank yolu Mum for that. I needed it and a good kick on my a***e would be appreciated if my sorries were accepted. I really dont want to miss out on your love as you are truly as I keep saying ( repeatation) an extended family to me and ever since I began posting - I really had fun. I realise how much each one goes through - cancer or not when one is sturgling to keep thei sanity and feel for others. I also realise they too have felt the pain as I have or for that matter - Alan, Trev or Paul - the list goes on are still so full of life even after having been through so much and yet care for each other. I also enjoy butting in at times and creating a bit of diversion but that is more in fun as if a topic is getting serious to make it lighter. I have no excuses and you all can put down whatever punishment you'll want to give me and I will make sure I will do the punishment even if you are not seeing or cannot see.

I truly mean it that I have never been threatend by death on a personal level but imagine what it would do to the others kept me sinking and sinking and before I knew it I had that stupidest thing I have ever done put on the site. I recieved a good strong but very nicely put message from Vinod and I had already dcided to make out my apologies. I imagine at times each one of us have this bout about whats going to happen once you are not around. Its bad enough to think one is the backbone of the entire family and will be ruined with me being around. Again its something wild as noone is indensplined enough to so much that life will come to a stand still without you. Life will carry on - but never be the same again. I faced it twice with my Dad and my Grandmum and should have thought of them when I wrote that rubbish. Their deaths affected everyone but most of all - my mother. I cannot think of her not caring for Dad or Granny or missing them so much and feeling lonely and miserable. I cannot imagine the amount of time she gave me and held my hand in the hospitals and crying all the time. The same applies to Sonya as well and there is nothing I can do to undo my mistakes(and so many) before and after our marraige took place. The same applies to each one of you'll too as far as I am concerned - I know you all will hold my hand when my time comes or be with me in mind and payer(though I am an atheist - sorry Alan). I know its you all who will cry genuinely when the nd is nearing unlike a lot of alligator tears that will be flowing at that moment.

One thing however - I keep bragging about my cancer as I have always treated it as a joke and a joke is meant to be shared and not bottled up withen. If you all agree - I will scan a cutting of todays newspaper (its in English)and post it here and it is something that I should have read three days ago! Its heading is DONT HOLD BACK. The article points to let out all your steam and then get back to bring your normal self with aplogising where its due.

I just have run out of words to put down any more but before I do cut off I would love to congatulate Michelle on her engagement - but have not understood why not marry now instead of waiting another two years?

And now finally( it seems to be going on forever ) as I posted before I want each one to send me a smile if you have forgiven me along with the punshment you want to met out to me. I just want to get back to the bragging, immortal Ananth - who kept posting every wierd thing to keep everyone happy. If I do get the smiles, I promise I will get back to being my normal self - the joker in the pack. Its so wierd that I gave in to the worst side of my split personality where I should have just cut my fingers in a way I could not type. I want that part of my personality out off my life and need all of you to kill it. So let me ebd this message here in a special way for Alan and all of you -
"Our father who hart in heaven, hallowed be thy name , thy kingdom come - thy will be done on hearth as it is in heaven. Give us this day , our daily bread and forgive our trespasses as we forgive the trespasses aginst us and lead us not to temptaion but deliver us from evil for thine if the kingdom the power and glory forever and forever to come"." Amen",

Again with all my sorry apologies , I cut "short" this "long" post of mine and with the hope that all works out well for me on this front.

With lots and lots of love and I still enjoy giving out my xxxxx(to all the ladies) and warm hugs (ecsept in the care of Trev and Deb who will get a cold hug, keeping in view their weather.
Ananth
PS - forgive my spelling mistakes as I just went over to overdrive with my emotions and could not contol my self - just as I am feeling right now.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ANANTH,

Hello All

Ananth has apologized to all of us and me. So let's put him on probation, and a limit of 500 words per post .

Take care, all.

Best wishes
Vinod