While setting in a crowded room, hearing bits and pieces of converstations, I just could not believe how totally alone I was. This was the first time since my surgery, Feb.17,04, that I had felt this. My husband was there with me, holding my hand with his, while turning the pages of those magazines that fill all doctor's offices, with the other. I sat there and watched as people tried so hard not to look at me. I would catch their eyes and they would quickly look the other way. They have cancer too, I just couldn't see it and if I had, I would not have starred. I had to share this amazing day with you. Though I am sure you may have already had one of these, this was my first. It was ovewelming. I felt as tho I couldn't breathe. On the inside I was screaming, what are you looking at, I am a fighter, a survivor and perhaps a miracle in the making. Why are you looking at me with such a horrified look on your face. You only have to see it once, I have to see it all day long for as long as it will take to recover. For what it is worth, I don't look bad. I don't look great, but at least I am still here to look. And might I add, I would never look at you the way you just looked at me. I was just amazed by this. The emptiness of it all. The silence of it all. I am in my one world here. I think I should have a name for my new world, since there is no one in it but me, I could name it anything I wish to.. Boy what a day this one was. I want all my days that I have coming, but I could do without another one like todays. Vicki

This is worth reading,,,,or so I thought

Hi Vicki, Yes we have spoken of this before
ALONE in a room full of people in a differnt world :banghead:
It is so hard to describe to anyone who has not been there.
Fell free to email me and we will chat

Paulxx

Vicki, I don�t often post messages on this board as most people are older than me and feel I would rather listen to advice than give it but after reading your post, I couldn�t agree more and felt I should express myself on this topic.

I have had a few days like you have experienced over the last 16 months. No one can ever know how you are feeling and even members of this board can only partially understand. We have all suffered a similar fate but our different lives make our situations unique. I was recently on holiday with two of my friends, and one night I broke down and cried. They didn�t not know what to do or say and just looked at me. This frustrated me even more as I felt like screaming and shaking them to try and make them understand. .

However it has been over a year since my major surgery and I have to say that sometimes when people look at me, I feel fortunate because I have a new found confidence that says "yes look at me, I have had Cancer and look I am still standing, still smiling and still achieving." These days are what I hang onto when I am feeling low. Having Cancer took away so much from me things that I can never get back, innocence, freedom, a year of university it also gave me things such as emotional and physical scars. And it also gave me this confidence. Confidence that made me go to the gym and train to run 5km for cancer research (race for life). Confidence to return to university as soon as possible even though it meant joining a new class and having to explain my situation to strangers whom I was trying to make friends with. Confidence to complete my first semester back with a 70% average. Confidence to travel the world. (At the end of this month I am going to Hong Kong and Australia for the rest of the summer) And most of all confidence to be ME despite what has happened.

I hope that I am making sense and this isn�t just a message of ramble. I think the point that I am trying to make is that I hope someday soon you can look at the people who stare with the same confidence as I can and think �yeah look at me I am someone special�

PS you are never alone.

Why Clare, You have touched me, what a lovely way of putting it. I feel so much as you do, we should talk more, feel free to email me,, if you would like....I have so much inside and I am not alone with these feelings,, I love how you said you are still standing, this is how I feel 95% of the time, it's that other 5 % that gets me from time to time. I am new tho only 5 months since my radaical surgery, I am not to badly scared on the outside, it is the inside that won't heal,,and is causing all the slow process of getting on with life...I pray it will be soon tho, that they will remove this blasted trache, and I can get to talking some with out a tongue I don't see how,,and to eat, there again how,,,,we will see,,,I am sure it will never end,,,til that one day,,,Always, Vicki LYnn