Hello Dr Joshi or whoever can help

I am nearly 7 weeks post op after having a Radical neck dissection, I thought I was doing really well despite the side effects- the physical appearance, difficulty with eating, altered taste of salt or dry mouth, Restricted movement in my shoulder, neck and mouth etc.

Today I received some photos back of my daughters presentation evening taken last week and suddenly realized just how lob sided my head, neck and mouth are. All the sub conscious feelings have surfaced and feel myself falling into depression this is worrying because I haven' t even started the radio therapy! It really does feel like I am going backwards.

Is it normal to feel like this. - I thought it would of happened just after surgery, or am I just being pathetic. Everyone on this site seem to be so brave, in control and happy despite some really intense treatment and surgery. Where do I go from here?

kindest wishes
sukie

sukie you have such a very long way to go yet.However you look now is absolutely no indication of how you will look in six months or even a years time,and remember no matter how you look you are alive and recovering.
The next few months will bring about many more changes to your outward appearance,some good ,some not so good,but none of them will be forever.
Robin was told his post neck dissection swelling would take six months to a year to go down so 7 weeks is not very long post op.

Depression is not a good state of mind to start treatment in sukie so get some help now before it becomes an issue.Contact the Macmillan help line and talk to someone who can help,and do it now.!!

lots of love and good luck

liz

Hi Sukie,

I have hidden from the camera for about 18 months, after my radiotherapy, I didn't even have any major surgery. My passport needed renewing and I couldn't bear to have my photo taken for ages.
It will take much longer than 7 weeks for your face to heal and the swelling to go down. Give yourself much more time than that. A lot can also be done with hair to flatter your face, so consider altering your hairstyle.
Depression is unfortunately a side effect of this awful disease, so talk to your doctor about how you can be helpeed through this awkward period.

Good luck with the rest of your treatment.

Jenni

Hello Sukie,

The last thing that you are is pathetic, what has happened to you is traumatic in the extreme and takes a long time to come to terms with. I echo Liz and Jenni's advice to seek counselling support through your GP or local MacMillan Group, the latter are very understanding and supportive.

I now live with a stoma, a permanent hole in the front of my neck through which I shall breathe for the rest of my life. It is not nice to see, and when I cough the phlegm can stain my shirts or even escape if I am not quick enough and spray windscreens, tables, etc very embarassing, but I am used to it now as is my family. However it was a good eighteen months before my wife could bear to look at me with my neck uncovered. And you might imagine what a passion killer it could be - certainly in the eary days when I looked a bit like Frankenstein minus the terminals at the sides of my neck.

Cancer and oral cancer in particular is a very disfiguring disease, but YOU are still the same person and your appearemnce will improve over time. I was very self conscious when I started work again 3 months after my treatment but hell that was 12 years ago and I am still employed.

Do not be despondent about your appearance: always worse for the ladies than the men I appreciate, but love cannot see what you see and will never condemn the living for being alive! Face the world with confidence you have nothing to apologise for - to anyone: and enjoy the fact that you are a survivor!!!!! with warm wishes Alan

Dear Suki,
Please do not think you are pathetic, as Alan mentioned I know it would be much harder for women in this circumstance. But you are a truly beautiful person, you hold your head high with the strength that we know you have and be proud of what you are achieving with the struggles you have had to deal with. Time will heal so much, even my husband is gorgeous again after 12months, not that he wasn't of course??? But I bet you have the most gorgeous aura and no matter what you think people will love you no matter what,and that will give you strength also. I know it is easy for me to say but please believe tomorrow will be another day and you won't feel like this, and if you ever do feel low talk about it again that is what we are here for. And to be honest I haven't had anything like what you, my husband and all the others have had to go through and I hate having my photo taken. (Carrying a bit too much weight then what I should be at the moment), but don't tell anyone sssshhh.
I will be watching out for your posts to see how you are going.
Traceyxx

Hi Sukie,
It's been a while!

We are our own worst critics and can notice things that oythers wouldn't look twice at!
After my R/T i had a 'du-lap' develope under my chin and hated my profile! I think people were just being nice but they said they couldnt tell the difference. But i was 7 & half stomne with a double chin!
& thats all but gone, it just shows in the morning and then the fluid drains away.

Time IS a great healer. & i used Decleor Prologene gel on my Groshong & Rig tube scars. I found it helped. & i know some use bio oil.
Dont be so hard on yourself. & be PROUD of your war wounds!They represent what you've faced.

Love Michelle

It is such a shame that people put so much emphasis on appearance.And even more so how much importance we put on it ourselves,but i guess there is nothing any of us can do about it.

All that really matters is that the people who genuinely care about you dont give a toss what you look like and have the intelligence and sensitivity to know that real beauty lies beneath the skin,and is about who you are,not what you look like.

I am fat,and Robins illness and death have taken there toll on my attitude to caring about how i look.He was one of the very few people i have ever met,who never judged me for my appearance,he just loved me for me,and i didnt love him any less with half his face missing and smelling like a cesspit.
Thats a very special kind of love ,and without it there seemed no point caring about how i looked to other people.

Now i want to look good for me and i want my grandaughters to have a nana they are not ashamedto be seen with.i know i am lucky because i can do something about how i look,but i feel very very sorry for the people in this world who cant see beyond a persons percieved difference.so sukie love yourself and to hell with any one else.

love liz

I totally agree Liz. I have posted previously about my teenage son who had an awful accident in March this year where he fell onto some glass slicing through both his upper and lower eyelids. Last month he had his last appointment with his plastic surgeon before he went off to Uni. He was offered the option of more surgery but turned it down. I was very proud that he did this. Although his scars are very noticeable he has totally accepted his 'new' appearance and I believe that his attitude has had a positive effect on the people who meet him. It has not isolated him in any way, he has made a lot of new friends (to the extent where I have had to remind him exactly why he is at University!) and it is not the focus of discussion. He is a very sociable, confident, mature teenager.

Somebody made a comment to me that it was such a shame that Alex was now scarred in this way as he was such a lovely looking boy but may now find it difficult to get a girlfriend. I replied that if a girl didn't want to go out with him now because of his scars then she wasn't worthy of being his girlfriend anyway. How shallow!

And Alan, when I went with Robert to the hospital on Wednesday I saw a man in the waiting room with a stoma and I looked at him with absolute admiration knowing what he had been through.

So yes, wear your scars with pride.

well said Lorraine you must be very proud to have a son with such a great attitude.