My husband's cancer might be spreading - again.

He's having chemo at the moment after his diagnosis(tongue)/surgery/radiotherapy in Feb and recurrence in jawbone/skin in July.

He's had a further lump appear on his skin in the last 2 days. We're seeing his consultant on Tuesday but it looks like his cancer is resistant to the chemo. He's rapidly running out of options.

All I can think of that he is going to die. I can't imagine life without him. He is my absolute world. We've only been married 2 years and I can't lose him so soon.

Also, we didn't have time to sperm bank before his chemo, so not only is it not working anyway, but I will also be losing my chance to have his children.

If the worst comes to the worst, then my life will effectively be over. I'm 30. It should just be beginning.

I just feel like everything is getting on top of me. I can't talk to him about it as I have to remain strong and confident. I can't add to his pressures by letting him see me upset.

I have spoken to the counsellor at the oncology centre, but to be honest she was as much use as a chocolate teapot!

Hello Spouse

So sorry to read that you are feeling so low about your situation. No words any of us can say are likley to comfort you as you are experiencing a terrible shock and sense of hoplessness. You already seem to be grieving.

It does sound as if everything is getting on top of you. Have you thought about speaking about your feelings with your own Gp - he may have some alternative hospice counsellors that may be able to help you cope.

You know your husband is probably not as ignorant of your hidden feelings as you might think. Your worst fears for yourself are probably his too for you and maybe discussing how frightened you are with him may be more realistic than trying to be """strong""".

To have been married 2 years is a very short time I agree. When we get married we set out on our most optimistic journey in life. We hope to live long happy lives together, but none of us knows whether or not we will. It does seem cruel to have your life torn apart in this way. If the worst happens your life will not be over but for sometime it will certainly be different and it may feel for sometime that it is over, but slowly you will pull yourself up and harsh though it may seem to say this, you will build a new life. But of course I know you would prefer the one you have made already.

If you speak with you beloved about it you may find that he would want you to move on. I have told my husband in the worst case scenario he is to grieve for me for a decent time and then move on to pastures new. I'm sure lots of people with cancer would in the event of their demise like to think their loved one was happy rather than grieving for years and years. To grieve for a few years is natural. To feel devastation at the prospect is very normal. There is a natural order for grief I think. When people are ready they do move on. For most this is usually 2 years at least and for many more 5 years. There are some who never come to terms with grief. But right now your beloved is alive and you can talk to him about aspects of this. It will not be easy to get talking about this unless you come right out with your fears.

You sound devasted by what may happen and it is desperate for you. Your anguish is palable. How I wish I could help. But I can only say please take care of yourself and spend your time together now attempting to do some of the ordinary things you used to do. Put on that old CD, go blackberrying or go for a gentle walk and watch some ducks swim on a pond, get out your wedding photos and look at the happy day you had, but do it together.

Do something very ordinary, but memorable together today.. tomorrow. When we are sick we stop doing the little things we used to do like a cinema visit etc. Bring alittle normality back into everyday by doing some of these things together now.

Dear Spouse�My heart goes out to you at this terrible, terrible time in your life. You must now let your guard down and tell your husband your fears. Give him the chance to comfort you, instead of walking on eggshells. He knows its just a fa�ade with you, nobody can be so strong for 24/7. At this time you both must comfort each other. You know Spouse, your husband is still with you. and may well be for a long time to come. Your at such a low ebb, you are naturally thinking of the worst case scenario, all the more reason that you talk and talk with your husband about anything and everything.

We won�t think about grieving�. yeh� try and enjoy your lives � absolutely no one knows whats in store for them�.. not even the Pope.

Kind thoughts

Rosemary

Oh Spouse, Spouse, Spouse

I know what you're feeling. Its not over yet, there is still a chance. Take comfort in each other, I found that even the slightest contact would allow strength to flow from one to the other, not draining either person. Fears don't have to be voiced. Just hold each other.

John is gone now, its his birthday today, he would have been 46. Some people never experience loving and being loved, try not to dwell on what you no longer have, but on what you have been privileged to share. Things are different now, they will never be the same again, but you are still together, comfort each other.

Dear Spouse - Im trying to catch up with the postings I've missed.

I've read your heart wrenching items and logged on hoping to come up with something either relevant or comforting. Then I read the postings from Pauline, Rosemary and Jenbee. These are 3 deeply compassionate ladies who've expressed emotions and thoughts far, far better than ever I could.

The only thing I could think of is something I read many years, which in the circumstances sounds very cold. The quotation said something like """the living have a responsibility to the dead, and that is to carry on with life""".

I do agree with Pauline that you really should try to discuss things quite openly with your husband. He may well wish to do just that but doesn't know how to raise the matter. To have to cope with such a tragedy at such a young age and after such a brief marriage is something I simply cannot imagine. Thank God I've been granted over 40 years of marriage with all its ups and downs so it's much easier for my wife and I to discuss matters very openly - it seems as though I've probably started with lung cancer - and of course at 65+ my outlook on life and death has to be greatly different to yours at 30.

All I can offer in the way of """help""" are my prayers.

Do keep in touch, you can be sure of real support from the ladies already mentioned.

God Bless

Dear Spouse, God bless you my dear. AS I have no clue what you are going thru, for I am on the flip side of this. They all say to spend every moment like it was your last. Everyday like there is no tomorrow. What they don't realize is that that is what you have to do. You don't have a choice. You are so young to have to endure such a heartache and heartbreak. I am just so sorry that there is nothing that I can do to help you. To make the tears stop flowing down your face. For your eyes to stop hurting from the red swollen lids. I know some about hurt and pain and loss. But I have never lost my loving partner, best friend, lover and husband. I see this things in my husbands eyes tho. The anger that he has. The total loss of what to do. Then the tired eyes and the tears that he prays that I dont see. My heart bleeds for ya'll, the ones we will leave behind. I only want to get better or end the suffering for me and for my husband..You ARE in my thoughts, my dear, You ARE in my prayers. Always, Vicki Lynn

Thank you thank you thank you to all of your for your kind words. To take the time out to reply to me when you are all suffering immeasurably yourselves really does restore one's faith in human nature!

We have had some good news today. My husband's consultant thinks the lump is a simple spot so we continued with the chemo therapy.

How can a small pimple cause such heartbreak? (Cos it was 2 cm from the scar from the removal of a cancerous nodule, that is how!)

This is the third 'scare' we've had about the efficacy of the chemo, and it doesn't get any easier.

I guess we will have to get used to it though, as I 'm sure it will happen again.

Hopefully we will have a few 'calmer' days now, and I will try and take the opportunity to talk to my husband honestly about my feelings.

I've decided I want us to find a pond and feed some ducks as that is something we have never done together!

Thank you again so much for your responses.

much love

spouse

That�s really good news Spouse, this is the turning point for you and your husband. There may be setbacks, but you WILL get through.
Spouse, I have a daughter the same age as yourself, she too has been married for only two years.

It was a very emotional day for me the day I read how distraught you were feeling. I had been out to lunch with my daughter at a friends house. Her daughter and my daughter have been friends since Primary School. My friend had remarked on how healthy I was looking and it was amazing how I had come through such trauma and looking better now, than I have ever looked. She then went on to say it was also great to have the bouncy Nikki (My daughter), back. I sort of looked surprised, to me, Nikki was always the same� bright and cheerful. It transpired that during my treatment Nikki would go to my friends house after school (My daughter is a teacher) and sob and sob, convinced she was going to lose me. I knew nothing of this, I just thought she was coping brilliantly with the situation, giving me all the love and support she had to give. I had no idea she was actually breaking up inside herself. . I guess what I am trying to say is�.. I think it is important to talk, had Nikki told me of her fears, I could have hugged HER more, and given her the comfort and reassurance she desperately needed, that I was going to be on this earth for a very very long time. I have to say I felt pretty lousy that day.

We have now made a promise to one another� No more hiding our feelings.

Regards

Rosemary

Good to see you online spouse and I'm pleased that your husband is able to continue with the treatment. We all have these scares at the sight of any change or lump wherever it may be and until someone says it is ok, it's normal, we can't move on. You are not alone worrying about new lumps. I've fretted over an underarm lump since June, but have now had 3 doctors assure me it is a large muscle - just larger in one armpit than the other and is not lymph related. So we do feel abit daft after but its better to ask than worry and delay. And yes do feed those ducks its such a relaxing pleasant way to spend just 15 minutes. Time becomes unmoving for those few minutes. Not knowing where you live I can't suggest anywhere. I am fortunate to live on the edge of a small nature park with ducks, foxes,herons, bobbing moorhens and a colourful kingfisher. Visit a country home witha duckpond and have tea and cake in the tea room all before they close for autumn. It's such a relaxing ordinary thing to do and yet can be uplifting. If your beloved is on Ensure take one with you. I used to in cafes and blazenly take them from my handbag and drink them down whilst my beloved wolfed cake.

It's true Rosemary. Perhaps the deepest feelings do remain hidden. Last week I was scoped at the ENT and was told all ok at 2 years. My husband was working away, but staying at his mothers. The day after my Mother-in-law phoned me and just happened to mention how pleased he was about this on the phone, but hearing his mum say he's been so concerned about you put it into a different perspective. Hearing her say he's been so worried about you the past 2 years made me realise he may have fretted more than I thought.

Re doing ordinary things like the blackberrying. We went out on Saturday and picked about 4 pounds together. It's something we have done most years like an end of summer ritual afew times. I made a huge blackberry pie and you know what next to the fresh blackcurrants that is the best taste of food I have had all year. I ate 3 pieces on Saturday! (sorry to those unable to eat, but I have been there and some days taste is still below par). My husband said to me you seem very happy today and I realised it was because I had eaten and truly enjoyed something - these occurences are still rare, but it's such a joy to be able to taste somethings.

Pikeman dear friend I'm sorry that your news is not as good as you were led to believe the other week. Is there any treatment that can be done for you? Please let us know.

Once again I've read the posting to Spouse from Vikki, Pauline and Rosemary with some considerable envy.

How I wish I could express my feelings as well as you all do. Your words must have helped Spouse immeasurably. And Pauline thanks for your words to me, nothing is yet confirmed even after having spent the best part of last week in hospital. Results from what they did will not be available for 3/4 weeks. The, I've got the bone scan next week.

Ah well, it all keeps me away from mischief.

God bless to you all

Pikeman...... I really really do wish you well. You certainly have had a bouncy ride. You know what they call Bill Clinton �now, now, don�t want to be rude, we do have American friends in this forum. Its the Comeback Kid. That�s you Pikeman, when you are hit with the nasties you just bounce right back up.

Again, it�s the Waiting Game � you know we must all have nerves of steel.

Keep smiling

Rosemary

<<Once again I've read the posting to Spouse from Vikki, Pauline and Rosemary with some considerable envy. How I wish I could express my feelings as well as you all do.>>

Looks like a sex change might do it Pikeman!

Seriouly now I'm very sorry to hear you are going through the mill again. Do you recall the first time you went to hospital it was almost a novelty. I expect most of us are the same here and dread another stay there now though and and those tests that take it out of you mentally from the moment it is mentioned to the result.

Good luck and let us know how things go on.