Does anyone know any good forums where I can chat to other people who are caring for a loved one with cancer?

It isn't the medical side of things I want to talk about - (this site is perfect for that) but I'd like to share thoughts about the emotional side of things (eg my husband was rude to me the other day but I felt i couldn't bring him up on it because of what he is going through... and it has festered inside me since and now I am really angry!)

Hi Spouse, I'm fairly sure there are plenty of carers who at least read this site. Personally I don't know of a site specifically for carers although there must be one.

You know your husband may have been unwittingly rude to you. I could be that he's frightened but either doesn't want to admit it, or worse doesn't know how to express his fears.

We people with cancer are, I think, apt to become very self-centered forgetting how difficult it is for people round us. Equally the people who care for us are usually very reluctant to express their reactions because we don't tell them how we're really feeling.

Not a lot of help am I?

I would say, however, if a person has been really rude then that person needs to be made aware of the distress and possibly heartbreak being caused by such rudeness irrespective of their illness.

However, bet the professionals disagree with me.

hi spouse,

I've looked, but not found a forum as practical as this.

When the situation of John being ill hurts me, I usually do some or all of the following:

• count to ten
  
• count to ten several times
  
• remove myself from the room that he's in
  
• cry my eyes out
  
• take a few deep breaths (alternate breathing calms me)
  
• start all over again
  

I don't recognise any seemingly direct intentionally hurtful actions or inactions as being from 'my' John, rather I look at them as being from a person that I care for, and this helps, they don't hurt so much!

Caring for John is the worst job (hey - I just applied for a Carer's Allowance!) that I have ever had, the terms and conditions are lousy. Hurt happens, I don't shout at John, because he can't shout back, so that seems very unfair. Maybe a good shouting match would clear the air, like Pikeman, I'm not sure what the professionals would say about that. I reckon that if you used to shout and make up before Cancer, and both are physically capable of doing so now, then I'd say don't be afraid of shouting, surely its making things a bit more normal...

Personally, if a 'caree' (is that a real word?) is out of order, I'd let it go a couple of times, but if it continued, then make it clear that such behaviour makes a bad situation worse than it has to be, and might eventually destroy the carer's ability to care - everyone has a breaking point.

keep up the good work - but remember that part of caring for somebody else involves caring for yourself.

Thanks Pikeman and Jenbee

Very good advice from you both.

I'm sure he didn't do it intentionally, and 9 times out of 10 I let it go, but every now and then it really hurts.

One of the main problems is he has lost some intonation in his voice, so it can sound as if he is ordering me about, when really he is just asking me to do something!

Hello spouse

This message board is for carers, too. A common forum allows both carer and caree to share views and understand each perspective. We are lucky to have a great caring community always ready to lend a ear and offer kind advice. The anonymity of a user name (no photograph!) could even allow the carer and caree to post on the same topic !

If someone can make a good case for a separate carer forum, I will consider it .

Best wishes
Vinod :coffee: