quote:

A vampire bat flies back into the cave, his face all bloody. The other bats get excited and beg him to show them where the score is. He looks a little annoyed, but eventually he gives in. "Sure, yeah, I'll show you where."

The bats start flying west for a while, and pretty soon the younger bats get a little antsy. "Are we there yet?"

"Yeah, real soon now, right over that hill there."

They crest the hill, but there's nothing they can see. "Hey, man, where is it? Do you think it got away?"

"Well, you see that tree over there?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, I sure the hell didn't."

quote:

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Yankee fan from the water.

Then using (autographed Nomar) baseball bats, the three heroes in red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"