Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?


Hey everyone, Keep up the laughter! Cricket

Cricket,
That was a riot!!!! I am still laughing! I think its time for me to restart my posting and hope everyone else also decides to join in.
Take care,
Ananth

Ananth, I think these postings are a riot!! I've read everyone of the jokes posted. As the "Readers Digest" magazine joke section states "Laughter is the best Medicine".

I stumbled onto the posting for these jokes by accident. I had no idea when I entered into the topic that it was full of jokes.

Maybe if the subject topic name could be modified, more of us would realize the nature of it's content. I don't know if this can be done though.

I personally think that this area is a great, fantastic and a hysterical site and that if more people realized it was here it would be even more of a success than it already is!

What do you think???? All my best, Cricket

Here we go again::::

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your
horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the
same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round!

Hi Cricket, love your jokes
There is a section further down the page for Light Humour, but somehow the jokes migrated to General chat some time ago.
Keep them coming, as you say, laughter is the best medicine Fran.

Dear Fran,
When I began the post, I did so to get a bit of fun into some serious posts as everyone needs a light moment and other thoughts then what we all went through or are going through. I did not think at that moment the post would grow the way it has done. I also noticed that noone was really posting at the place meant for such jokes.
I hope we can all carry on right here - as Cricket feels that he did not connect the post with a laugh and I do think he is right as "Laughter is the best medicine". It helps you in many ways and am sure most of you'll will agree with me.
Take care, and as always to the ladies - all my love, xxx and warm hugs and also some roses.
Ananth

Hi again Cricket,
I have posted a request to Dr. Joshi and Krishan to change the title of the post as I felt you were right about the same. I do hope its possible.
However, before I end this post here - hopefully many many more will follow (possible -a book called - "The MCF Book Of Laughter" or something as such could be published as none of the jokes here are copyrights and its for a good cause - Dr. Joshi?).

I am not aware if most of you'll know I send out a lot of idiotic mails and receive the same and at times they do get out of hand, so....

.........I Just Want To Thank You all those who did so...for your "Idiot" E-mails sent as "Educational Emails"over the past year.

*Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

*I can't use the remote in a hotel room because *I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

*I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

*I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

*I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

*Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

*I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

*I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

*Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

*I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

*I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

*I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

*I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day as I already made that mistake never to repeat again.

*Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

*Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

*I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

*I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

*I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer - again something I did and will never repeat again!

*And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

*I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

*I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

*I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually parcel bombs from The Al Qaeda in disguise.

*I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

*I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

*I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

*Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

*And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

*I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

* and now......If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
( I suggest you do send it off!!!)
Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....
.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!!!!

Lots of love to all.
Ananth

Hi all,
Could not resist this one.
Love to all,
Ananth


Top 100 Celebrity Jailbirds


You canÂ’t turn on the news lately without reading about celebrities being arrested, and theyÂ’re not all DUIÂ’s either! Charges here (in no particular order) include murder, assault, robbery and more. Who did what to whom? Check out this list of Celebrity Jailbirds to find out.

O.J. Simpson - The glove didnÂ’t fit on the murder charge, but will his recent arrest for burglary be the one to send him to prison?

Paris HiltonÂ’s- The news was saturated with reports of Paris incarceration. She spend almost a month in jail for DUI charges.

Britney Spears - Just turned herself in to face hit and run charges.

Lindsay Lohan - Checked into rehab after being arrested for DUI and cocaine possession. Of course, the drugs werenÂ’t hers.

Mel Gibson - His arrest for DWI put little known TMZ on the map after they broke the story.

Anna Nicoole Smith - Arrested for drunk driving in Texas in 1989.

Tawny Kitaen - Arrested in 2002 for spousal abuse.

Hugh Grant - Arrested after he was found in a car with his pants around his ankles and a prostituteÂ’s head in his lap.

Christian Slater - Arrested in 1994 after he tried to board a plane at JFK airport with a gun in his possession.

Johnny Cash - Arrested in Texas with a variety of pills in his possession.

Bill Murray -Charged with driving a Golf Cart while intoxicated in August 2007.

Michael Jackson - Arrested twice on child molestation charges. The first time charges were dropped and second time he was acquitted.

Hank Williams,Jr. - Arrested in Tennessee in 2006 for assault.

Larry King - Arrested in 1971 for grand larceny after stealing $5,000 from a business associate.

Steve McQueen - Arrested in Anchorage in 1972 for drunk driving.

Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman - Arrested in Mexico and charged with felony restraint. Bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico.

Tommy Lee - Arrested in 1999 in North Carolina for assault and inciting a riot.

Lou Rawls - Arrested in Albuquerque in 2003 for assaulting his girlfriend.

Kimora Lee Simmons - Arrested in 2004 for possession of marijuana.

Nicole Richie - Served 82 whole minutes for DUI charges.

Vince Vaughn - Arrested in 2001 in North Carolina on Assault Charges.

Nick Carter - Arrested in 2005 for drunk driving.

Vince Neal - Did time for vehicular manslaughter.

Franki Valli - The Four Seasons singer was arrested in Ohio in 1965 for skipping out on his motel bill.

Kid Rock - Arrested for his now infamous Waffle House throwdown.

Yasmine Bleeth - Arrested for Cocaine possession in September 2001.

Glenn Frey - Arrested in Columbus, Ohio in 1973 for drug possession and public intoxication.

Haley Joel Osment - He didnÂ’t see this one coming. Arrested in 2006 for marijuana possession and drunk driving after crashing his Saturn.

Vanilla Ice - Arrested for assault in 2001.

Trey Anastasio - Arrested in Upstate New York in 2006 for DWI and Possession.

Tracey Gold - The former “Growing Pains” star was arrested for drunk driving in September 2004.

Jay -Z - Arrested in 2001 after a loaded gun was found in his possession, also arrested in 1999 for aggravated assault.

Sean “Diddy” Combs - Arrested several times for gun possession, assault, bribery, driving with a suspended license.

Jennifer Capriati - Arrested in Florida in 1994 after cops found pot in her hotel room.

Charles Barkley - Arrested for assault in 1992.

John Popper -Arrested for possessing marijuana in April 2003.

Amy Winehouse - Arrested in Norway in October 2007 for marijuana possession.

Kirsten Storms -The “General Hospital” actress was arrested in 2007 for DUI.

Robert Downey, Jr. - Arrested multiple times for drug possession.

Natasha Lyonne - Arrested in 2001 and charged with DUI.

Leif Garrett - Arrested multiple times for drug possession.

David Faustino - Bud from “Married with Children” was arrested in 2007 for carrying…bud.

Tonya Harding - The disgraced former figure skater was arrested for conspiracy after her ex-husband tried to kneecap rival figure skater Nancy
Kerrigan and for assault after abusing a boyfriend with a hubcap. Oh yes and thereÂ’s a drunk driving arrest in there too.

Rick Allen -The one armed drummer for Def Leopard was arrested for assault after beating his wife.

Kiefer Sutherland - Arrested on more than one occasion for DWI.

Jude Law - Arrested in October 2007 for assaulting the paparazzi.

Pamela Bach - David HasselhoffÂ’s ex-wife was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.

Daniel Dae Kim - The “Lost” actor was arrested in Hawaii in October 2007 for DUI.

Nathan Marston - The soap opera star was arrested in October 2007 for assault.

Sean Kanan - The “Bold and the Beautiful” actor was arrested in 2007 for DUI.

Pete Doherty - Arrested about a zillion times for drug related offenses.

Uncle Kracker - Arrested in 2007 for sexual assault.

Winona Ryder - Arrested for shoplifting.

Lily Allen - Arrested in 2007 for assaulting a photographer.

Kristy Swanson - The original”Buffy” was arrested for assaulting her baby daddy’s wife.

Shemar Moore - Arrested in 2007 for DUI.

George Clinton - The P-Funk front man was arrested for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia.

Scott Stapp - The former”Creed” front man was arrested a couple of times. Once for arrest and also for a drunk and disorderly.

Phil Spector - Arrested in 2003 for murder.

Tom Sizemore - The actor is currently incarcerated after being arrested several times for drug possession, assault and being under the influence.

Ty Pennington - The personable “Extreme Makeover” star was arrested in 2007 for DWI.

Brian Bonsall - The former “Family Ties” cutie was arrested for beating up his girlfriend.

Naomi Campbell - Arrested for assault with a deadly cell phone.

Bobby Brown - In 1993 he was arrested for some suggestive stage moves, the there were assault and drunk driving charges. Oh and letÂ’s see he violated his probation and failed to pay child support. Nice rap sheet.

Ray Liotta - Arrested for DUI.

Ryan OÂ’Neal - Charged with Assault with a deadly weapon after pulling a gun on his 42 year old son.

Eminem - Arrested twice in Michigan on gun charges.

Snoop Dogg - Arrested a couple of times on weapons charges.

James Brown - The Godfather of Soul was arrested for spousal abuse.

50 Cent - Arrested when he was 19 for selling heroine and crack.

Boy George - Arrested for drug possession.

Al Pacino - Arrested in 1961 for carrying a concealed weapon.

Frank Sinatra - Arrested for adultery (I jest you not) in 1938.

Ja Rule - Arrested for criminal possession of a weapon.

Foxy Brown - Arrested for assault. Incarcerated as of this writing.

Michael Vick - Arrested for animal cruelty and other charges after it was discovered he was into the whole dog fighting thing.

Joe Francis - Arrested for tax evasion, drugs and a laundry list of other stuff.

Don King - The famous boxing promoter was a well known criminal in the 1950Â’s and 60Â’s. Charges include murder, arson, selling drugs, weapons possession and manslaughter.

Bill Gates - Arrested in 1977 when he failed to produce a license after he ran a stop sign.

George Carlin - Arrested in 1972 for disorderly conduct and obscenity for using bad language in his show.

Dennis Hopper - Arrested in Taos in 1975 for causing an accident and fleeing.

Dudley Moore - Arrested for spousal abuse.

Jane Fonda - Arrested in 1970 after kicking a cop who found a large quantity of pills in her possession.

Keanu Reeves - Arrested in 1993 for DUI

Matthew McConaughey - Arrested in 1999 for resisting arrest after cops found him playing nude bongos and smoking pot.

Mickey Rourke - Arrested in 1994 for spousal abuse.

Nick Nolte - Arrested in 2002 for DUI.

PeeWee Herman - Arrested after he was caught whacking off in a public theater.

Tim Allen - Arrested in 1978 for dealing drugs and conspiracy.

Woody Harrelson - Arrested in 1982 for literally stopping traffic - and dancing in the middle of a busy street. He was charged with disorderly conduct.

Zsa Zsa Gabor - Arrested in 1989 for slapping a police officer.

Jack White - Arrested for aggravated assault in December 2003.

David Crosby - Arrested in 1982 when he was found to be in possession of a handgun.

Mick Jagger - Arrested in 1972 after fighting with a photographer.

Nikki Sixx - Arrested in 1997 for inciting the crowd at a concert in Phoenix.

Sid Vicious - Arrested for the murder of his girlfriend, Nancy Spungeon in 1978.

Darryl Strawberry - Arrested in 2000 for drug possession and solicitation for prostitution.

Dennis Rodman - Arrested in 1979 for felony burglary.

Scott Weiland - Arrested for assault in 2001 for battering his wife.

Macauley Culkin - Arrested in 2004 for drug possession.

Alexei Yagudin - The 2002 Olympic figure skating gold medalist was arrested in 2003 for driving under the influence.

Hey Ananth, Cricket here again! Thanks for getting the name of the post changed. Great job! Hopefully many more of us will join in and send in their "funnies"!

I must correct a slight error you've made though in your posting! I'm afraid you've mistaken my gender! Yup, I'm a she, not a he! No offense taken though, but I do want a hug! LOL!

Here's another joke to read, although I'm afraid the women will get a bigger laugh out of this one! Here goes:

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm
lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy
to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute
little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead a gain. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been
poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And,at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when
the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics
stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a gro up of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the
while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked,"Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Dear Cricket,
I should have checked your profile - shows how idiotic I can be at times ( at times???). I am truly sorry I mistook you for a he then the she that you are!.. and also thank you for forgiving me.
Lets see if the change in name will bring in more people as without laughter there is no life and I want to live every moment of what is left. I am glad I was given a sense of humor - very crude at times! and it helps in making one forget all the pain and misery one has been through for some time.
Keep your fingers crossed Honey,

As I love all gorgeous women - here goes - a whole load of love, lots of xxx and some nice warm bear hugs and also some roses.
Ananth

I've just been banned from B&Q. Some tosser came up to me and asked if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.

Ok everyone, here's another one for the books:



A study in Logic


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling, scalding hot water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Re member to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. So be brief with people.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Thought for the day:

Some people are like "Slinkies". They're not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


(Ok, so this particular joke was a little lame, but smile anyway, you'll feel better!) Cricket

Hi all,
Do have a laugh -its good for your system.
Love,
Ananth



BEN & ALLISON:

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

AND ONE MORE FOR TODAY....
An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

LOL, keep them coming Ananth

Loads of Love and a x

Mum

He he he ho ho ho - y voice is slowly coming back thanks for the laugh