I was told this joke when I was a small child (I'm nearly 44 now). What do you call two hippies and a colored person riding on a bus?
PASSENGERS

(the previous joke was meant simply in a spirit of humor AND it was told to me in 1968).

Finally (for today, at least)
Two guys have been drinking at a rooftop bar for several hours, and they're pretty tanked.
One says to the other
"I bet I can jump off this building, miss the sidewalk and come right back up."
"I'd like to see that" says the other inebriate.
So the man jumps off the building, flips up just in time to miss the pavement and makes a perfect two-point landing on the roof.
"I gotta try that!" says drunk #2, and he jumps off the roof, leaving a nasty SPLAT! right on the street.
The bartender turns to the survivor.
"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman!"

At first I wasn't going to reply to this thread because there's a Humor forum down the line. I thought it kind of cheapened the message board for those who are seeking answers to HNC. Looks like I've been outvoted!
_______

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Dear Mimi,
I well realised there was a place below on the board to post jokes and I purposely began this post as noone really bothered going into that part. I have always felt that laughter is good medicine and bit of it everyday can make a world of difference. We have a number of forums on the message board for seekers of HNC questions and thats why I posted it here in the General category so that it would be read. I think everyone needs a break from being serious or being instructive at times. The same people when they come looking for answers on HNC, seeing the post will def. have a positive outlook towards the site and the people.

I am glad you were outvoted as I really enjoyed the joke and I can say that comfortably as I have just woken up and it brought a big grin to my face. A nice way to start a day.

With love,
Ananth

Well folks,
I see noone is in a mood to post any jokes or post anything for that matter. Dave and Sue have got the "No Cancer" certificate from the doctors and now are planning a holiday. Let us wish them the very best.

As I started this post and I will add a few more jokes and see the response, which so far has been super and has made everyone have a good laugh. I hope you all will carry on with posting any kind of incident or jokes that you have come across. Make someones day. Get a smile on someones face.

What say,
Love you all,
Ananth

I thought Computers would be a nice topic for this day. So here goes the first of the two I dug up. Hope you all enjoy them as I did reading them.

The three Monkeys.

** A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.
"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
_______________________________________________

Without Malice
**Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

" Jesus saves!"

Very good, Ananth!

Not exactly jokes, but funny bumperstickers I've seen recently:

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change.

If you can read this, please turn the car over (it was upside down on the windscreen).

Okay, hope this doesn't offend anyone.
Leann

Just one lady in front of me at the bank; an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars was a little irritated.


She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."


The Asian lady said, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Okay this one is better.

A Cowboy

A cowboy, who has moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud Light. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together .. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders th ree mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers, though.'


Another one:

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs. A
female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what
would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to,
the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise his hand?'
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself.


Okay, here's another one I hope doesn't offend anyone.

Subject: Woman's Shower VS. Man's Shower
>>
>>
>>
>> How To Shower Like a Woman:
>>
>> Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
>> hamper according to lights and darks.
>>
>> Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
>> see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
>> areas.
>>
>> Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
>> mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>>
>> Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
>> cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
>>
>> Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
>> with 43 added vitamins..
>>
>> Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>>
>> Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
>> enhanced with real passion fruit.
>>
>> Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
>> 10 minutes until red.
>> W ash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
>> cake body wash.
>>
>> Rinse conditioner off hair.
>>
>> Shave armpits and legs.
>>
>> Turn off shower.
>>
>> Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>>
>> Spray mold spots with Tilex.
>>
>> Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
>>
>> Dry with towel the size of a small country.
>>
>> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>>
>> Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
>> towel on head.
>>
>> If you see husband along the way, cover up any
>> exposed areas.
>>
>>
>>
>> How To Shower Like a Man:
>>
>> Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
>> bed and leave them in a pile.
>>
>> Walk naked to the bathroom.
>>
>> If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
>> making the "woo-woo" sound.
>>
>> Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
>>
>> Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
>>
>> Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
>>
>> Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
>> them off.
>>
>> Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>>
>> Spend majority of time washing privates and
>> surrounding area.
>>
>> Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
>> stuck on the soap.
>>
>> Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
>>
>> Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
>>
>> Dry off forea! rms and butt only.
>>
>> Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
>> hanging out of tub the whole time.
>>
>> Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to
>> watch water fly off.
>>
>> Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
>> and fan on.
>>
>> Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>>
>> If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at
>> her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
>>
>> Throw wet towel on bed.
>>
>> If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at
>> the truth behind this, there is something so very
>> wrong with you.
>>
>> Have a great day! And, "woo woo" !!!

Dear Leann,
I vouch for the last one!!!! Here is one between the British and the Americans regarding the presidency. Hope everyone will enjoy it:

A letter to all Americans from John Cleese.

Dear Citizens of America ,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium,' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise.'

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out Task no.1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called 'Come-Uppance Day.'

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling 'gasoline') - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps.' Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer,' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager.' American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,' so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American 'football.' There is only one kind of proper football; you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for 'Big Girls Blouse').

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese.

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.

'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.'

The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S manoeuvres, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.

Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!'

'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.'

To all my sweet ladies - I guess I should dedicate this for all the problems you'll go through. Its not meant to offend anyone as it is a true letter and hope even men can understand what a woman goes through during the trying times.

With love to all,
Ananth



Actual Letter to P&G About Maxi-Pads - Award Winner!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company - Proctor and Gamble, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
-------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing,and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudoson being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxipads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "An inbred hillbilly with knife skills."

Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f_ _ _ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

Hello all again,
This was a bit difficult not to share but its not only true but really funny
Love you all,
Ananth


[B]know you're old when....B]

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size

Hi all,
Just a bit of 'Did you know' - its directed more towards the Americans but there are a few for others. All are welcome to comment.
love you all,
Ananth

Texas was one of the first states to adopt capital punishment by lethal injection -in 1977.

Thanks to the electric light, the average American today sleeps 1.5 hours less each day than Americans of 60 years ago.

That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.

That white, powdery stuff on the wings of moths is actually the way moths dispose of waste.

The "57" on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.

The "caduceus" the classical medical symbol of two serpents wrapped around a staff comes from an ancient Greek legend in which snakes revealed the practice of medicine to human beings.

The "countdown" (counting down from 10 for an event such as New-Years Day) was first used in a 1929 German silent film called "Die Frau Im Monde" (The Girl in the Moon).

The "Daddy long legs" spider has venom to be used as a defensive mechanism. Don't worry though, coz it cannot puncture human skin, and even if it did, it would PROBABLY only cause a allergic reaction

the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him.

The "if" and "then" parts of conditional ("if P then Q") statement are called the protasis (P) and apodosis (Q).

The "London Bridge" is now in Arizona in the U.S.A. This fat cat(rich guy) bought it for only $2.46 million dollars.

The "Miss America" pageant made its network TV debut on ABC In 1954. Miss California, Lee Ann Meriwether, was crowned the winner.

The "O" when used as a prefix in Irish surnames means "descendant of."

The "save" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

The "save" icon in Microsoft©®™ Word's toolbar shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

The "Sesame Street" characters Bert and Ernie were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the cab driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Like."

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

The "spot" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now...

The Seniors 2007 Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and
I'll be
good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!


Hope you enjoyed your A, B, C's!

Cricket

Hi Cricket,
That was a great one and am really glad if this post on the forum would keep on continuing as it helps a lot when one can make another laugh and also have a good laugh. As they say - Laughter is the best medicine.

Do continue and lets see how many more get back in here.Lets get it moving.

Take care,
Ananth