COME ON EVERYONE - MAKE THIS POST THE LONGEST ONE EVER!!!! ONE THAT WILL MAKE A LOT OF FUTURE MEMBERS REMEMBER US WITH NOT JUST OUR BATTLES AND WARS WITH CANCER BUT ALSO HOW WE COPED IT WITH HUMOR!!! HUMOR CAN CONQUER ALMOST ANYTHING. IT CAN MAKE ENEMIES IN TO FRIENDS, MAKE FRIENDS BOND TIGHTER AND LEAD A LIFE WITH A SMILE LON ONES FACE AND SEE THE SMILE ON THE OTHERS TOO.
LOVE ,
ANANTH
PS: I have written the abbve in capitals which is supposed to be shouting which I am doing so at the top of my voice to come on and post your humores sides for everyone to read. I am sure everyone has had some outrageous experiences in real life - put it down or a joke which brought a smile to ylour face and am sure that will bring one on everyone elses too.
take care and lots of love,xxx and hugs,
Ananth
My joke for the day or night as may be the timing- an old story about the "chicken crossing the road"

Chickens, Crossing Roads, and Iraq
Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP?s. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.
Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.

Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"

Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!

USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."


NOW HAVE A SMILE ON YOUR FACES OR LAUGH AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!!!
Love you all,
Ananth

Granny and Grandad went to the doctors for something to spice up their love life. He gave them a jar of tablets and said come back in a week and tell me whow you got on. So the following week they arrive at the doctors looking shattered. "Well how did it go?" asks the doctor.
"Well", says grandma - "I tried it with my hand, he tried it ith his hand, we tried it sitting down, standing up, lying down, up against the wall, with my teeth in and with my teeth out - but we still couldn't get the bloody lid off!"


Hear about the Irish woodworm? Found him dead in a brick.

What about the Polish burglar who broke into the betting office and lost thirty pounds?

I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.

My wife said "Take all my clothes off and tie me to a chair." So I did. She said "Right you can do anything you want" So I bought some beer and watched Manchester United on Match of the Day. She said, you love Manchester United more than you do me....I said I love Manchester City more than I do you!

Keep up the good work and I'll see if I can remember any more. My memory is hopeless! Who am I again?

Ta ta for now
Tony

I went for a job as a lion tamer the other week but I didn’t fancy it. The lions were huge with great gnashing teeth. So I just stood there outside the cage terrified. Then a beautiful young girl came in and said, “Look it’s easy this is what you do”. So she walked into the cage, stripped off all her clothes and just stood there. Then these lions all came up to her and started licking her all over. “Now would you do that?” she said. “Yes,” I said…”just get those bloody lions out of there first!”

This is a safe one folks .lol

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)























'THE TEETH.'

Dear Tony and Bell -
Way to go - if the jokes dont bring a smile across peoples faces or roll around laughing their guts off -they have no sense of humor. I loved the jokes - and Bell just to explain to you, I am not that biased aganist drivers and do think they are safer then we men in many ways.

Women car drivers

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.'
'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'

------------------------------------------------

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

------------------------------------------------

Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'

------------------------------------------------

A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought I'd never make it in time.'

------------------------------------------------

My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.

------------------------------------------------

Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'
________________________________________________

Mother in law!!!
______________
A young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket. The young husband was standing by the switch. 'Hello, darllng,' said the mother, 'George has had this marvellous idea for curing my rheumatism.'

------------------------------------------------

You know, I don't know what I'd do without my mother-in-law - but it's nice dreaming about it.
I mean, she's not ugly - it's just that when she makes up, the lipstick crawls back down the tube.
She's found a new cheap way of making yoghourt and sour cream - she just buys a bottle of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.

------------------------------------------------'Do you know, my mother-in-law has vanished, just disappeared from home. Just like that.'
'Have you given her description to the police?'
'No, they'd never believe me.'
-----------------------------------------------

and finally for tonight: The famous Bill Clinton Jokes-

Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.

Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.

A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."

Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."

The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."


looking foward to mors posts from all,

lots and lots of laugh as it certaily makes not just my day but so many others,
Ananth

One more I could not resist-

The Ex US president - Bill Clinton and Monica of the famous cigar story both kick the bucket and go to hell. Meanwhile, Bush too joins the crowd in Hell and he is personally taken of by Satan and taken around to the various chambers of torture that people are going through. Each one is worse then the next and Bush is worried till he reaches the last chamber and sees dear Bill lying stark naked on a bed and Monica doing what she does best - handling of the cigar. Bill is moaning and groaning with all the pleasure.....
..... and Bush decides - this is it and tells Satan. I would love to be in this room so the Devil accepts his desire and orders Monica to get off and go to the one of the other chambers......
,...... and you all can imagine what hell is all about!!!

Lots of love,
Ananth

A young male science teacher is taking an all girls biology class. He asks Mary "What part of the human body enlarges to 10 times its normal size when stimulated?" Mary blushes and says " I can't believe you asked that in a girls class, I am going to tell my father and he will report you to the principal!" Taken aback he asks if anyone else knows the answer. Anna answers "Yes, Sir, it's the iris". "that's correct" he says. Then he turns to Mary and says " Y our answer tells me three things - first you haven't done your homework, second you have a very dirty mind and third at some point in your life you are going to be very disappointed!"

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a wallet strapped to his neck, and approaches the displays. He waits for a man to finish his order, then the butcher leans over the shelf and asks,

"What'll you have?"

The dog places his paw in front of the ground beef, so the butcher asks how many pounds? The dog barks twice, so the butcher packages 2 pounds of ground beef.

The man watches as the dog moves in front of the pork chop display, and places his paw in front of them.

"How many do you want? asks the butcher.

The dog barks four times so the butchers packages 4 chops. The dog walks over to the cash register to pay, so the butcher removes enough cash from the wallet to pay for the meat. The dog picks up his packages in his mouth an leaves.

Intrigued the man follows the dog several blocks until he walks up to a house and scratches on the front door. His owner answers, and lets the dog in.

"That's an amazing dog you have there!" the man from the butcher shop marvels.

"Not really," the owner frowns. "That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Dearest Sheila and Tony just loved your jokes. I was also thinking on the lines of something funny you may have come across or have been involved in a funny situation. This will really make things even better and more personal? What do you all feel.

To give you'll an example - on the second day of my radiation I looked at a notice board near the radiation centre and saw my name there with the words RIP (I always figured it was meant for a tombstone after one kicks the bucket!). My mother and wife were both with me and keeping the same in mind - I entered my oncologists room and asked her if I was already dead. She looked at me as though I was nuts and asked me laughingly why I though so. I replied " Have you seen the notice board?". She said "no". I said "well my name is up there and against it there are three alphabets R I P". She did not believe me and all four of us trooped out to the board and yes indeed it was very much there and noone could give a pausible reply as to why I had been declared dead and should rest in peace!!! She then went back to her room and made some enquiries and it turned out that Ananth Shenoy - RIP meant Ananth Shenoy - Really Important Person!!!!. I asked her what made me so important and she told me that she had recieved instuctions from the very top management to treat me with kid gloves as I was a very good friend of the MD and CEO of the Hospital.
It was really funny at that point and she ensured it was removed at once!!!

Let me give you all a few jokes which I had a blast reading and hope you all also enjoy the same in the manner I did. So here goes:
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes,he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass except when I run with a cosmpolitan!


and one for the night:

A few famous Comedian Quotes:

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Mel Brooks

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home." Bill Cosby

"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St.Bernard coming in through the cat door." Jeff Foxworthy

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more." Jeff Foxworthy

- smiles to share with all of you'll.

Love you all after all said and done "we are family" ( anyone remember the number by the Jacksons? )
Ananth

Hey Ananth

I've got to know--do you have a guy sitting over in a corner with a snare drum and cymbal to kick up the punch lines of your jokes? They're such wonderful groaners.

Speaking of which:

A young man buys a bird for his lonely, widowed mother. He calls her a few days later to see how she likes it.
"It was delicious, Melvin."
"What do you mean, ma? That bird could speak 7 languages, imitate cats and dogs, and sing like George Michael, and you ate it?!"
"It should have said something."

Julia

Dearest Julia,
Trust me - that was a riot and I really had a good laugh. I am sure there are many more jokes that are not heard of, which you know ,and will make people laugh a little more with each day passing. Do keep posting and make our little world here be one of the happiest sites in the entire networks of sites related to cancers!
I am glad you like my jokes and I will carry on posting them. What makes them enjoyable is that almost everyone catches on what the punch line is all about and makes you'll laugh! I will make sure I make you all laugh your way through all your worries!
Love you. kisses and special hugs,
Ananth.
.. and heres one more as a toast to you:

A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?".
The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year -cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on". When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said. The wife answers "he said that you're going to die".!!!! - with no offence to ladies!!!

Cheers me up this page. Good jokes are whatit's all about. Laughter really is the best medicine despite that awful Patch Adams film.

Completely unrelated true story - my father in law was an alcholic. He was put on tablets by the hospital to help him stop and we took him to the hospital to collect the tablets.
We met him in the car park and he took out one of the tablets apprehensively. "Do you want a drink with that?" I asked. "No" he said. "See they're working already!"
Absolutely true story.

I think I've already mentioned the day I went for an X-ray and they took about 5 before I asked them did they realise I only had half a jaw. "Oh they" replied, "that explains it." I couln't then keep my head still for laughing.

Come on everyone else let's have a laugh! Share some funny stories!

Tony

Hi everyone,
As Tony says this page cheers him up and I hope it does the same to all of you who read the jokes or incidents. This is a request to come and put in as much fun stuff as you all can. It need not be all jokes - it could be something new you have seen, something funny that you may have read, something idiotic that you may have done anything that is just plain good (or naughty!!).

,,,,, like the time when I was flying from the UK to India. As there were no flights available to Delhi - they booked me on one which went via Dubai to Mumbai from where I would take a domestic flight home. A smart traveller that I am, put my normal glasses (the ones I wear when I remove my contacts) into my checked in baggage and also put in my eye drops with them. All I was left was with my case and the contacts in my eyes - which after some time began drying up and getting stuck to my eyes. Slowly it turned to pure agony and was forced to remove them and put them in their case. Now, without my contacts or my glasses!!.... I was blind though not as much as a bat - but could just about make out the various shapes around me. The two hour stop in Dubai was a nightmare as I had a big list of shopping that had to be done there and had no idea if what I was seeing was the right thing or not. However, surviving Dubai and reaching Mumbai - getting out of customs was another major problem as I could barely see what I was filling up on the disembarking card. As soon as I cleared immingration and picked up my baggage 9hoping it was mine!!) - I went to a customs officer and requested him if I could open my suitcase. He looked at me strangely as I had been asked to go right out through the green channel and when I told him, he just could not stop laughing and it was really nice of him to have helped me look for my glasses amid all the stuff in my suitcase!! It was really funny at that moment.

Oh Oh,
My unreal jokes for today - I thought let me touch the medical fraternity for once (not exactly but to do with them). So here goes:

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

------------------------------------------------

A man was seriously injured in a car accident, severely damaging his legs. As soon as the emergency room doctor examined him, he knew the one of the man's legs must be amputated. He was taken to surgery, where, due to an administrative error, the good leg was amputated. The mistake was discovered while the man was in the recovery room, so he was taken back into surgery and the bad leg also amputated.
When the man found out what had happened from a nurse who was present during the entire procedure, the man decided to sue the doctor and the hospital. He consulted the best attorney in town, who, after going over the man's claim, advised him against seeking damages.
"What," the man exclaimed, "this is the most clear cut case of outright negligence I have ever heard of."
"That may be true," the lawyer replied, "but frankly you don't have a leg to stand on."

Hope this has brought a laugh to you all and if not a laugh at least a smile and if not even a smile - then you have no sense of humour!!!("humor" for the Americans!!)

Love you all,
Ananth

Hello all,
I could not resist sharing this one from you all as I want to put it down in the post before I forget it.
Lovse you all as always,Ananth

Hell and Heaven

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so profound, that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:-

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:-
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God!'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN 'A'.