Hi Ananth, hope this one passes the Crude Poll.


CAKE OR BED.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

i loved that one bell love shirl xxx

Hi sweethearts,
Just as the comedy series - 'CARRY ON" - its fun to see people join in to have a laugh.

love you all,
Ananth

that was a good one Bell

Here's another. Hope this one gets through the poll as well!

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines, too...and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead.
This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love to my wife...and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Cheers
Gwyn

Hello all my lovely girls and great guys,
Here is my contribution for the day - though Gwyens is way out and I really enjoyed it.
So here goes:

OLYMPIC CONDOMS:

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'

'They're in three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'

'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily.

'Gold, of course!', says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, 'Why don't you wear Silver.... it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.

That was not too crude was it????
Love you all so much,
Ananth

One more for good luck. This is a letter from a mother to a son in the rural English that is very common in India and is known as Hinglish. Enjoy it and get down to posting more and more.
As I will always mantain I love you all. Martyn - this is n offer to join us and is an ofer you cannot refuse!!!
The joke goes like this:

My darling son, my angel, my most loved one,

I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE!!!.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.

Your Uncle Hadafallhad a fall amd fell directly into a fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn't' get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

I hope you are eating well and not flirting around with any of thse white skin girls as they are all skinny. When the time is right we will find the right girl for you - a nice plump girl whose only outing from her bedroom has been to the kitchen.

With everlasting love,
Mummy

OK just one more...


Two women meet in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Jeannie.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house checking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the cellar. Then I went through every wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive!

Cheers
Gwyn

Hi everyone.
Almost all of you'll will know there is always somethig going on between the governments of India and Pakistan. At times it gets out of hand and am putting down here a possible scenario of the possibility of nuke war ever taking place between the two Countries.

PS : The names of the Countries are real but the sequances mentioned are all fiction!!

Love,
Ananth


PAKISTAN/INDIA - OLD FRIENDS AND ENEMIES!!!
------------------------------------------------
During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet
satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5
seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way. This was their
scenario...

Now imagine the scenario if there is a nuclear war between India and
Pakistan.

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.

They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced.

In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets
adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical
failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party
that was giving outside support withdraws it.

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear
missile.

But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government cannot take such a decision because elections are at hand.

A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse
of power by the Election Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.


Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367
miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00 AM.

Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.


In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in
flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and
USA.

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear
missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.

This time all the parties agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, 'pro-humanity', 'anti-nuclear' activists come out against the Government's decision. Human chains are formed and rasta rokos organized .

In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians like
Kalinga and all of you, condemning the government and mentioning 'Please forward it to as many Indians as possible'.

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles
deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing
over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan
army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination -
Russia.

Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a
nuclear missile towards Islamabad.

The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

Thus India never gets to launch the missile. Pakistan never gets it right.

And we live happily ever after :-)

A dog truly is a mans best friend. Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. When you open it, who is really happy to see you?.

Hi Hagg,
I think that stands true to a lot of married men. - I am just joking!! or else will have a tough time!!!
Here are two that I found very funny about the Brits. Hey, you all = grin and bear it!!!!
Love you all,
Ananth

Here goes.......


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

------------------------------------------------

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

1) A young man gave his girlfriend a mobile phone as a present. One day he calls her while she's out with friends.
"How did you know I was at K-Mart?" she says.

2) Two men are just talking and the subject of spouses comes up.
"I've been widowed three times" says the first man, "My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My second wife died from eating poison mushrooms, too."
"How did your third wife die?"
"Fractured skull--she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

3)A Catholic priest, a rabbi and an imam go into a restaurant, eat their dinner, pay the bill and leave because not everything in life is a joke.

I guess you could say that my humor is pretty tasteless but I can't taste very much.

Julia

... and you say your humour is quite tasteless as you cant taste very much !!! Julia you are a riot.

Ananth

A talking duck goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a sandwich, this went on for a week
At the same time the Circus was in town and the owner came into the bar and the Barman tells him of the talking Duck.
Give him my phone number and I will give him a good job with my Circus he says ok said the Barman
Monday arrives the Duck comes in same time 1.30 and the Barman says hey got good news the Circus is in town and they want to give you a job
The Duck looks confused
The barman says whays wrong?
Well said the Duck dont know what a Circus wants with a Plasterer

Dear Paul,
That was reall great - I really enjoyed it!! However, its not enough - you got to get in more jokes and make everyone roll off their chairs, beds etc.

Lots of love,
Ananth