that noone really wants a good laugh and prefer thinking and talking about the Cancer. Its time to take stock and realise that jokes make you forget all that you have been or going through for some time. These times are precious and do not let them by. I thought of posting these jokes on the site for light banter but noticed noone hardly ever visits that part and so I decided to put up a post here in the General, with the hope that each one of you will contribute in making this section a complete success and not let it fizzle out. The jokes should be keeping in mind the delicate balance between what others may feel about the jokes posted and may be related to take a dig at anyone of us or anyone outside our community. Are we agreeable on this??
Ilove everyone here and just want to see everyone smile and bring some sunshine in to their lives and humor is the best medicine to keep your self going and not to have time to brooding over whatever has happened. The posts need not be just joke related but related to doing something new (craft wise, music wise or ven an Aunt/Uncle Agony bit - but ensure the letters to Aunt and Uncle are nor related to Cancer.
Do we all have a pact. If we do - please confirm your participation and even if you do not post any - you will read everything and be made responsible for a big smile on your face - irrespective of how bad a joke may be. May I ask Dr. Joshis permission to put in some as we call it Non- vegitarian jokes - but withen limits. If the answer is yes, I am sure this will be the happiest site in the entire network of the internet.
So - I await everyone reply before embarking on my flirting through jokes and humor and of course making everyone a wee bit happier with life.

Take care all my lovely ladies - I love you all very very much, sending you dozens of cyber roses and extra warm hugs . Guys, I am sorry but you all just get the love and hugs,
Ananth

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Dr Vinod K Joshi,

To kick off - let me begin with some French jokes (as they are the in thing at the moment with the first lady posing in the nude etc.). So here goes:

*Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."

**The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else. Hhe leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

***An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth. "Of course!", said the American. The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States." The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Frenchman. "Of course!", says the American. The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S." "And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American. "We throw them away, of course," replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look. The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France........ and finally for today.....

****The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."...............................................and now folks if you have a smile across your face and even if you dont - think over the proposition and make this a success. Dr. Joshi - I hope the jokes I have posted are not going to hurt anyones sentiments and please give me the go ahead to move this forum further.

Lots of love and hugs (I will not forget ) to Dr. Joshi
Ananth

Thank you for the smile! You made me blush but I got over it and smiled...then laughed...then called my husband at work and read them... then laughed some more!!!

Carry on, Ananth!

Totally agree with you! You have to keep smiling/ laughing as much as you can. People might think your mad but that's their problem.
I think you are a little harsh on the French though - which coming from me is pretty funny as people think can't stand the French. That's only because my wife is part French and I do it for a laugh. My wife has a mind of her own - though - let's face it no one else would want it. I keep a photograph of her in my wallet all the time - just to remind me where my money used to be.
I nearly marrried a German girl but we couldn't agree about the future of the kids we might have - I wanted them to go to Oxford or Cambridge and she wanted them to invade Poland.

All in fun - no slur or insult intended to anyone. Even my wife, god bless her. We have to laugh.

Keep up the good work.

Tony

Ananth

The jokes were wonderful! I laughed out loud. Thankyou.

Hi Anthony,
Remember I had remarked we would get on like a house on fire - well its a start as we have started the with the spark and hope the fire really grows.
I started with the French but that does not let any other nationalities off the hook - even Indian and Spanish!!!
The bit about wanting to marry a German girl was out of the world and its things like this that can bring a smile to a persons face and each smile makes it a better day.
So with much ado and with no hard feeling to any nationality (just laught along), With my love and hugs to all and please dont let me keep repeating it - only the girls get the kisses!!!! Here we go,
My contribution of the day:

MORON OF AN INDIAN
__________________
An Indian finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

"Oh Rama, Oh Krishna,please help me!!I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.Please let me win the lotto". The Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Indian goes back to the temple and moans- "Oh Rama, Oh Krishna , please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Indian still has no luck!!

Back to the temple... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Indian is confronted by the voice of the God: HEY YOU IDIOT, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

A SMART INDIAN
_______________
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"


SO YOU WANT TO BECOME AN INDIAN POLITICIAN?
___________________________________________

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Name of Candidate : _______________________

2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________

3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)

4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Others

5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)

10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No

14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)

Dearest Patricia,
Come on and join in and give us a smile. Post somethings - anythings funny that may have happened to you - just anything that made you smile some time ago - just anything - so you can make others smile.
I am sorry but I just cannot control this urge to be a flirt though I tried ( you noticed - till Hagg told me I should concentrate on what I am best at!!) - so here is looking forward to your active participation.
With all(not all but a large amount!) my love, some nice tender kisses and warm hugs.
Ananth

Dear L'il Sis,

You are really cute and I can imagine the blushes. I am really happy I could get a smile across your face and that also on your husbands (is he normally crabbity?). Why dont you also post a few so that the others to take the cue. The more the merrier.

Lots and lots of love ( I dont know how much more of love I have to give out!!), a lot of smooches and some nice warm hugs and check out the cyber roses - just for you..

Ananth

Hi everyone,
Am sorry but I could not resist posting this one. Any Yank out there- can you help reply to this poor guy with so many questions????

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?Is this true or is it just implied?



Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as
an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet.It's funny,as well as
informative:



Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery , as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25: 44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 1 9:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).He also tends to curse and blasphemes a lot.Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

xxxx


*****PS : This is not to demeen any persons preferences on any subject in any way and should be taken in the right spirit.

Lots of love,
Ananth

Good jokes Ananth. I couldn't post many jokes here as they're a bit too rude but if I come across any good ones I'll let you know. Hagg.

Dear Hagg,
You first get me to become my old self and as you asked or rather told me I have begun flirting again!. Now coming to the jokes - I am sure we are all adults here and know all about the birds and bees (if not more). I am also sure everyone have their own- "a bit too rude" -jokes hidden away. Dont hide them - just put them down and as good adults let us just have some fun!! Thats what this post is - right. dont think it should anyones sentiments as life is such and whatever kind of a joke - crude as it may be as long as it brings a smile on peoples faces - its fine. One final thing, I hope is that noone here is that narrow minded as not to accept jokes of anykind here.

If there are anyone among us who are narrow minded - please post and say - YES, I AM NARROW MINDED". We will take a poll and then decide on the level of crudeness. Is that fair - everyone???

With lots of love and hugs to you Hagg and as usual all my kisses to the lovely girls - (Gosh!! these lucky lips** are killing me!!)
Ananth

** for further details on "Lucky Lips" - please take out all your old tracks by Cliff Richards.
***** Did you all know Cliff Richard ( now Sir) was born in Mumbai, India?

Oh Lord, am I the only one who has jokes to post? Please teach everyone to take some time off and post some good jokes for everyone to read and forget all their problems for while.(I am going to make this into a prayer!) In the name The Father, The son and the Holy Ghost - Amen!!!
I actually found the 11th. commandment, that Moses broke by accident as he carried the tablets to the peak. I pieced them together and the message was very clear - Humor is a gift to Mankind and he who does not have a sense of humor to make another human smile - shall be punished by being made to laugh all the time once he or she comes up to me.He or She will laugh at the tamest or lousiest of jokes till it hurts.

******
If Moses just had not let the 11th. commandment fall - what a lovely world we would have been living in!!!
So -come on, come on and give it your best shot- its never too late to smile and make others smile.


One more from my end on Indians:
________________________________

A guy goes to the employment exchange to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Have you been in any dedicated services?

'Yes' he says. 'I was in Army for three years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you extra points toward employment'. The interviewer then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way'?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...while fighting of the terrorists, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off'.

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O K. I can hire you right now. You can work here. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M.

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00P.M, why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.'

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in your coming in for that!'

.... however this is just the cream - the government does this all day long and not just two hours a day!!!

Bell said:

quote:

Hi Ananth, my sister in law sent me this as she thought it was funny and we would enjoy it as our own daughter gets married next month .Thought it would be a good one for your new joke thread you have set up on the forum.

Love Bell .x

OK Ananth, here's one:

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'

She explained:
'The egg timer's broken.'

love
Gwyn