My friend Dr P, an ENT surgeon in Penang, also believes in laughter being a great medicine and he keeps sending it to me! He must think me sad , I hope the laughs do you good too.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Dr Vinod K Joshi,

quote:

Subject: Jokes Digest Number 527

(Bad) Jokes

**********
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the otherand says "dam"

**********

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

**********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."

**********

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

**********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

**********

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

*********

Two cannibals areeating a clown.
One says to the other:"Does this taste funny to you?"

**********

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

**********

Two cows standing nextto each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you, said Dolly.
"It's true, nobull!"

**********

Two hydrogen atoms walkinto a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?"
The first replies,"Yes, I'm positive..."

**********

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him? "Well,"says the vet,let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

**********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

**********

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the topshelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

**********

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

*********

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Afsh
**********

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

quote:

Subject: Budget Airline - one day we will be there..........

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already know where to sit.

Attendant: We now charge a $5 seat-locating fee.
Passenger: Nonsense. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But I'm going to complain.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy.
Would you like me to put it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: Thanks.

Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! $10, please.
Passenger: What?

Attendant: We charge a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion.

Attendant: Actually, you're right -- you can't stand. You need to
sit and fasten your seat-belt. But first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way.

Attendant: Sir, if you don 't comply, I will call the air marshal.
And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal calling fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything
else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy and my overhead fan isn't working. Can
you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert 50
cents into the coin slot for the first 5 minutes.
Passenger: You are charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is free of charge.
Circulating air costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have 50 cents. Do you have change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only 25 cents change.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: What? And what will I do with the 25-cents change?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it for the lavatory.

********************************

Oh dear those bad jokes are BAAAAAD
But for some reason i couldn't help but giggle...
Thanks Doc!

heard on the tube "the only thing the Gym slims down is my bank account"

My step sister works with kids & she said a group of them went to the zoo. They had a great day, & a couple of kids with down syndrome got to feed the penguins.
So, one of thems in the bath that evening & the carer walks in & he's sat, splashing away in the bath, with a penguin! Apparently the kid put it in his ruck sack *lol*
So the carer gets on the phone to the zoo & say "ummm... one of our kids has stolen a penguin" The lady on the phone says " oh, don't worry, they're only £2.99" The carer replies "NO, not a toy penguin, A REAL ONE!!"
Apparently that's absolutely true!! *LMAO*

from Doc P's Jokes Digest Number 529

quote:

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  
  
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  
  
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  
  
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  
  
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  
  
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  
  
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  
  
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  
  
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  
  
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  
  
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  
  
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  
  
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  
  
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
  
  
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  
  
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  
  
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  
  
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  
  
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  
  
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  
  
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  
  
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  
  
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  
  
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
  
  
• A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
  
  
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  
  
• He had a photographic memory that was never
  developed.
  
  
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  
  
• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
  
  
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
  
  
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  
  
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.

----------- : -----------

from Jokes Digest Number 609

*********************************************
Sin Of Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about
the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

*************************

A student burst into his professor's office and says; "Professor
Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest
grade the University will allow me to award."

***************************

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to
destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why
I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and
snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the
Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe
and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist
Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
******************************************************

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to
grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; "do you want to live with papa bear?"
The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you
want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me
too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby
bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

*********************************************

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him
looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way
behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking
for work."

*********************************************

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him
what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical
insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he
had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history,
then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said,
"I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said,
"Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just
checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The
man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

***********************************

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a
nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did
you have to die?!!?".

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he
walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught
man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".

"No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"

*************************************

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favourite."

*************************************

Latest news.
A Sesna plane has landed in a graveyard in Ireland!
So far they have found 60 bodies and still looking for more

Feel Like A Woman

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by wind, hail and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they're all going to die. A woman jumps up and yells "I can't take this anymore! I just can't sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair."

"If I'm going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raised in the back and a muscular man, tall and buffed, starts walking up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.

Even in the plane's dim lighting, she can see his firm muscles. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says "I can make you feel like a woman. Are you interested?" She nods her head "yes."

He hands her his shirt and says "Here - iron this."


(It must have calmed her down! )

Blonde Government Workers

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."


Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.



"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an imergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."



PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"



Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?..."



PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"



Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"



PM: "I'll call John Howard - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!!"



Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.

With small writing on each one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy