Hi all,
I know I have become a non entity but its not all that bad. I thought for a change let me gang up with the Poms and give them the details of recent developments between them and the Yanks.
Regards,
Ananth

A letter from Her Majesty to the crown´s former Colony.



To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You
should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour,"
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by
the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises suchas
'"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter "u" ' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts andmetrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $ 10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps.. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They
are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

Hi Ananth

Chortle.

I guess we'll have to eat yoghurt, learn the difference between custard and pudding.

We'll keep Cary Elwes, thank you, and Madge Richie can stay over there. (I'd rather have the Dread Pirate Roberts than the Dread Movie Actress here anyway.)

We'll take the NHS but American-style dentistry must remain here.


Julia

For Your Majesties information, we do not all drink Coors and Budweiser. There is a growing number of small and micro breweries producing perfectly good beer. You may wish to try some brews from Sierra Nevada Brewery, located right here in Chico, California. So you may keep your bitters, thank you very much.
Julia, The Princess Bride is one of my all time favorites (no u).

A little harsh!
However ~ Yes please ~ in with the u and out with the ize. It drives me nuts on the computer.
Get rid of the guns.
Drink whatever beer you like ~ nothing like a coldie on a hot summer day.
Save the footy kevlar for the new cricket players because NOTHING will take the sting out of the Aussie bowlers!
(I think it would be a great idea to go with the NHS and ditch the current (lack of) health system)
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi! Oi! Oi! (you'll need to know that for the cricket)
Love from Down Under
Deborah

wow.....for a non entity you sure are wordy - this post combined with the out of line pm you sent to me appears you are looking for friction - that is a shame - i wish you peace - you could use it...

Hi Helpinghand,
Being a non entity does to some extent to pass on a joke that I found funny. It was not meant to hurt anyone sentiments.I am sorry if you did not enjoy the joke - maybe next time - I'll post one to get the Yanks to be one up on the rest of the world.
I am at peace - much more then you can imagine and honestly - you are the one who actually needs it.

I can't fault your proposals Ananth.

Two nations divided by a common language !

This board should be about unity, helping, connecting not intentional insults...

Hi HelpingDad

This is a light humour section and everyone is entitled to their own opinion of what makes them smile. And sometimes one can make a mistake about what might appeal to another. So, I suggest that if you see jokes in that light, you will not see any insults but only light leg-pulling.

Best wishes
Vinod (hoping for some peace )

this post combined with teh out of line PM that Ananth sent to me and then his follow up "the countdown" is not light humor - he is trying to insult and start friction where it is not necessary. It is a shame you did only read this post responding rather than looking at him as a whole but that is OK I don't need to come here - take care......

I again apologise ( its becoming my signature line to all the Yanks)for having hurt American sentiments with a joke and I assure you was not targetted towards you or anyone else.
I am replying to this post as I felt you had no right to say what you said to Dr. Joshi.

If everyone here on the forum feel that I should stop posting totally please feel free to tell me and I will comply if they want the old Ananth, say yes and I will restart. I have no intentions of having a war against the US as I have enough on my platter with cancer - which I feel you tuly do not understand the mental makeup of what happens when cancer strikes and hits hard as it did in my case. I also apologise that being an Indian / Spaniard, I have a decent control over your mother tongue - English. In fact I apologise for having been educated to compete in this world to do well. I guess that is the right of the Yanks and we have no rights to tread on the same.
So people - you all decide - if you want me to start posting just say "yes" and "no" if you'll feel I should not carry on my posting as the fun loving happy guy I was before I got tangled for asking a silly question about a dentist to which you yanks took it as an insult.

Awaiting everyone response,
Regards to all,
Ananth
PS: even my signature was created as a fall out of the tangle.

So may I request all on the forum to please give a response by just posting 'yes' for not wanting me to post or a 'no' if you feel I should carry on. Please do me this favor - so I know where I stand.

if you don't see eye to eye with someone ananth just ignore their posts ... to a new comer it comes across as you are being angry all the time . if i was coming here as a newbie with cancer i wouldn't want to see tittle tattle x

Personally, I don't want to get involved in anyone's politics or petty squabbles.

This section is LIGHT HUMOUR - and as such, I found Ananth's post amusing. It made me smile - it didn't make me think badly about anyone or better about anyone - IT JUST MADE ME SMILE - and on days where I go to see my mum and her mouth is bleeding, she is trying to cope with her new teeth, she can't eat, my dad has been up during the night with her, she is tired out, she cries, she dribbles down her chin - she is generally upset about the loss of her looks and the loss of her life the way it was - then anything that makes me smile is OK by me.

That's just my personal opinion - and I thank God for the support and cyber hugs I have received from this place.

I agree with Winnie - it raised a smile and I didn't see anything too outrageous in it or read it as targeted at anyone. There does seem to have been a breakdown in relationship here, which is sad.

Regards
Gwyn

Keep posting Ananth - that was so funny and Julia and DavidR didn't have a problem - maybe stick to PM's with friends though

Love Chloex

This message has been edited. Last edited by: PurpleKitten,