For the benefit of those untouched by the corroding fingers of the EU, I wish to confirm that there really are grants for “not doing things”. Whilst the following may seem a little outlandish it is not a total flight of fantasy. As Daniel Hannan told us; if he had sat down to devise the most corrupt, unrealistic, pointless and nonsensical legislation he could not have come up with anything as extreme as the EU’s common agricultural policy.

John Spencer


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Date: Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:03:55 +0100

Rt Hon David Miliband MP

Secretary of State,

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London SW1P 3JR





Dear Secretary of State,



My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.



In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?



As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?



My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.



If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?



I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year.

As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.



Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?



Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops.

Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?



I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?



In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.





Yours faithfully,



Jim Snorter

Hi John

Wow! How can I get on this gravy train?

Julia

Sorry Julia,
EU members only

Keep smiling

John

Hi John

Well, I guess I'll have to fall back on my original plan: start a bank, make a complete dog's breakfast of it, sit back and wait for the bailout.

Julia

Oh John!

You must keep up with world politics! The wingnuts here are saying that the New World Order will include us all and we will be led by the Antichrist.

Do you supposed that Julia and I can get the not-raising-pig subsidy then?

Mimi

Hi Mimi

I'd love to get the subsidy, since I've not raised pigs, not grown cereal or any other crops, and not raised dairy or beef cattle for decades. Gosh, just imagine how many tradable carbon credits I have.

Compensation for work I'm already not doing sure would be nice, given the current economy.

Julia

Someone sent me this the other day and I had to share it. A woman looked in the mirror one morning and saw that she had 3 strands to hair, she said to herself I think I'll braid it today. She did and had a fine day. The next day she looked in the mirror and saw 2 strands of hair and thought today I'll just part it. She did, went out and had a fun day. The next day she looked in the mirror and saw 1 strand and put it in a pony tail, her day was great. The next day she looked in the mirror and saw no hair, she shouted YEAH today I don't have to worry about about how I'll fix my hair. It's all in the attitude. Joan P.